[*PeaceLily*]

This post is potentially triggering for people who have experienced sexual abuse.Also, it is long, but I would be so grateful if someone has the time to read it.

I have been recalling a situation when I was 7 years old involving my mother walking in on my father when he was sexually abusing me.

My mother had basically orchestrated this bizarre 'sting' scenario to find out whether my father was abusing me, which was outrageous because it basically put me in danger. She could have just had a conversation with me about it, but instead she chose to create the opportunity for my dad to abuse me, so that she could catch him in the act. It turns out she had overheard me being abused the time before, so what she did was she pretended that her and my siblings were going out, but that I couldn't come with them. She said that they were going to go out to buy me something, so I couldn't come so that it would be a surprise.This was weird, but I was excited because that was so unlike something that would be done for me. Well, they weren't really going out. She looked like she was leaving and parked the car so it couldn't be seen from the house. She then told my siblings to wait in the car, I know this because I heard her mention it afterwards

My father began abusing me. My mother had let herself back into the house at some point during this. I thought I had heard someone come in the front door, so I got my dad to check, and the car obviously appeared to be gone, so i thought it must be ok. She caught me under the covers performing a sex act.

There was a lot of chaos as she pulled me off him, and she hit him . She ran downstairs saying that she was going to phone the police. She was telling my father he was sick. My father was telling her he wasn't well, and begging her not to call the police.

Anyway, at some point during this ruckus, my 10 year old sister walked in.She had obviously wondered what was happening and left the car. I was really scared that my siblings were about to find out what I had done.

Upon my sister coming through the door, my mother calmed down.
I had been told to wait upstairs.After a while, my mother came up to see me. She told me my father was not a well man. She told me it was best not to go to the police because he would go to jail and me and all my siblings woild go into care. She told me to not tell my siblings, and that my father was someone to keep away from, and that she had told him to keep away from me. She gave me some sweets. I didn't even get a hug, or even given the gift she had pretended she was going to get me! The abuse was never discussed again.

My father kept away from me for a few weeks, but before long, he started to act like it had all never happened, and be psychologically and physically abusive to me again, calling me an 'animal' and 'dirty' and a ***** when I started wearing makeup as a teenager and stuff like that. I was frustrated that i wasn't allowed to mention the sexual abuse . My mother was jealous of me due to 'catching me', and she never spoke to me again other than to be mean to me. When she thought I was being sexually abused by other family members,( which I was,) she didn't help me, and she clearly thought it as my fault and that I was bringing it on myself by that point. i was never invited to hang out with her and my sister, so I would be sexually abused in the room next door to them whilst they hung out.

The thing is that I am angry with my parents, but I also have anger toward my sister regarding what happened when my mother discovered my father and I. My mother in the heat of the moment was about to call the police. My sister had been told to wait in the car, but she came in the house, which caused my mother to want to diffuse the situation and act calm so that my sister wouldn't find out my father had just been found abusing me. This meant that the urgency and heat of the moment was lost, and the police weren't called.

I find myself frustrated and angry that my sister walked in at that moment when she had been told to wait in the car. I understand that she was only 10, and that that situation wasn't her fault at all, but I still feel like if she hadn't have walked in at that moment, my mother would have have called the police, and if the police had been called, the past 20 years since would not have had to be hell frankly.

I have anger toward my sister for how she has treated me,so that's probably also adding to this feeling. I know she was a child. I know that she didn't cause the abuse, and that it wasn't her responsibility, but I can't seem to shake my frustration that she left the car and came in the house.

Why can't I shake this feeling? It seems nuts.

[CANDC]

Sorry to hear you have suffered abuse. No one should have to go through that. My heart is sad for all you went through. And the fact your mother did not do anything to stop the abuse was very unlike what a nurturing mother would do.

A child is not responsible for abuse. The adult, no matter how much they are tempted, should find a way to avoid abusing a child. This was not your fault.

I think your sister had fear and she could not stay away. It was your mother's fault for orchestrating this scenario in the first place. She could have confronted her husband without setting up the sting to catch him in the act and put you at risk.

You are not alone. There are many caring and compassionate people here. Feel free to private message me or any community liason by left clicking on their name underlined in blue to the left of the post and selecting Send a private message to .....[their name]

I did read the whole post, but how sad I felt to read it. Do you have a therapist specializing in Survivors of Abuse?

[jelly-bean]

The feeling that you have for your sister is a part of the whole problem of abuse. Even though you know it was not her fault she sort of got lumped in with the rest of the abuse thing and your mom's anger and all. I hope that you are in therapy for this problem so that you can work on dealing with the anger you are feeling.

[*PeaceLily*]

There just seems to be more and more, and it's hard to believe that I can recover. I can't believe I lived with this man until I was in my mid twenties.It was so unbelievably bad there.

Everyone has let me down-my parents, the other family that sexually abused me, my other siblings who shut me out for years, the social worker who destroyed the evidence against my father when he was starting to be investigated, the numerous police who came round the house but who never helped us and who sided with my father, the teachers at school, the doctors who gave me medications that made me experience manic mixed episodes which helped keep me stuck living in that godforsaken house with my father.

I am planning on pressing charges. It sounds awful, but I think that sometimes people deserve to go to jail, and doing the very worst thing to a seven year old deserves jail.My mother failed to report a crime which is also an offence.I do not get how you can see a man doing that to a kid and not report it.

I think it's frustrating that my sister walked in in the heat of the moment, but perhaps I'm trying to see my mother in a better light by thinking that she would have called the police in that moment had my sister not walked through the front door. Btw. just to reiterate- I don't blame my sister for walking in. She was a kid. I'm just frustrated at the fact it happened. My feelings are all over the place as I try to make sense of things that are senseless.

[*PeaceLily*]

Originally Posted by jelly-bean

The feeling that you have for your sister is a part of the whole problem of abuse. Even though you know it was not her fault she sort of got lumped in with the rest of the abuse thing and your mom's anger and all. I hope that you are in therapy for this problem so that you can work on dealing with the anger you are feeling.

You're right- the feelings get jumbled up and messy and mix together.

I am not in therapy at the moment.My therapist I was seeing was not specialising in trauma, and she didn't really get it.

I am seeing a therapist at the end of this month though.

[*PeaceLily*]

Candc- Thankyou for your kind words on both my threads.Thanks for saying I can always private message too

I feel alone, because due to medication issues which I thought were my fault until a psychiatrist last September told me it was the medications, I ended up staying with this man until I was in my mid twenties. I feel like not even people who were themseves abused will understand that. I understand how it happened, but I hate the loneliness of knowing that no one else will understand.

xx

[Open Eyes]

((PeaceLily)),

It is not true that no one else will understand, even though it feels that way.

You are right, your mother should not have set up a sting where she could catch your father doing something that she obviously was suspecting him of doing. Also, a seven year old has no understanding of the gravity of what is taking place either.

You are older now so the gravity of what you have been through is a lot harder for you to think about now. I am also sorry that you were also treated badly and suffered verbal abuse and basically neglect afterwards too. Your mother clearly did not know how to handle this situation or what to do for "you" the victim either. It sounds like she somehow felt that she would be blamed and have to face the public humiliation if she did call the police. So she went into her own idea of survival mode and part of that was to avoid whatever was hard or uncomfortable. Some of her failures to act come from that old lesson of not airing one's dirty laundry and keeping one's family problems private.

I am sorry, because you certainly deserved to be comforted, to also have your boundaries restored and to know you were not only protected, but that what took place was not your fault either, and that you are still loved. Instead your mother chose to ignore you and the situation, told your father not to go near you, yet she avoided you as well because she was too busy trying to find a way to not have to think about what happened. She probably really felt that what happened, happened to "her" and could not really see beyond that to it happening to you, just a young child. She was traumatized and in that did not handle that situation well at all, after all things like that happen to other people not me. Denial is often the path taken when a person doesn't really know what to do next, which is something your mother clearly did not know.

The sister had no idea what was going on, and she may not have been told either, a ten year old really doesn't have any knowledge or life skills either. A ten year old looks to learn how things are supposed to be handled by observing their parents too. Even today, your sister would not really know what to say or think or do unless she got help herself to understand it.

I am sorry that so many different adults have let you down too. As far as you living with your father for so long, well, that is what you learned to do, you did not have any help to find options so how could you know?

Often people with your history finally find a therapist that can help them mourn their loss of having a better childhood with parents that were not dysfunctional like yours. Then these individuals become advocates to bring on awareness and help other child victims because sadly you are not alone with suffering from something like this. You now know what it feels like to not only be a victim, but to not get the help you had deserved. You "can" choose to become a voice that won't stay quiet and avoid and hide, but instead speak up and bring on awareness.

((Caring Supportive Hugs))
OE