[adj92]

I remember when i was little three years of age until my parents got divorce when I was ten, my dad use to push and shove my mom. Then he started pushing and shove me, I remember thinking to myself when he started shoving my mom, that if I would just get in between them, it would be my body that he crumbled not my moms. I never did get between them because i was so scared, but know looking back I think to myself wow i was stupid for not getting in between them.

Am I valid on my thinking?

I also remember while my mom and dad were in the process of getting divorced my mom had to lock me out of the house because my dad was throwing chairs and being really physical. I won't ever forget the empty space in my soul my hart and in my mind because I couldn't be in the house with them.

[sideblinded]

adj92, It wasn't your place to have to get in the middle of them ever. It wasn't your place to have to do that. I know that you wanted to, but that kind of behavior needs to be dealt with by adults. I am sorry that you got shoved around and abused. You did not deserve that. You could not help them except to call a trusted adult. It wasn't your fault nor was it your place to stop them. I hope this helps and I also hope that you are taking care of yourself. Have you considered therapy or 12 step meetings such as CODA?

I think you were locked out so they could continue their fighting. I am sorry that you were hurt by that, I would have been hurt too. That surely is distressing.

[TimTheEnchanter]

I agree with sideblinded but you did not know what to do as a child. It is very important to forgive them as well as yourself. Try to do that, it is hard and takes time. I think you cannot forgive and love others unless you love yourself first. We have some subconscious self-loathing because we are different emotionally. We must forgive ourselves FIRST! Then we can love ourselves. Well, this is what I've learnt from "The Power of Now"...maybe it works for you too.

Originally Posted by adj92

I remember when i was little three years of age until my parents got divorce when I was ten, my dad use to push and shove my mom. Then he started pushing and shove me, I remember thinking to myself when he started shoving my mom, that if I would just get in between them, it would be my body that he crumbled not my moms. I never did get between them because i was so scared, but know looking back I think to myself wow i was stupid for not getting in between them.

Am I valid on my thinking?

I also remember while my mom and dad were in the process of getting divorced my mom had to lock me out of the house because my dad was throwing chairs and being really physical. I won't ever forget the empty space in my soul my hart and in my mind because I couldn't be in the house with them.

[adj92]

thanks kinkyguy and sideblinded i really am going to consider what u guys have said and try the things u advised me to do

[Mrs. Mania]

While my sister was getting the worst beating of her life, I hid in my closet. To this day, 35 years later, I feel guilty for not intervening. I also still feel like a coward. There would have been little I could have done, but my reaction seems to haunt me. You and I were kids, meant to be protected not protectors. I don't know if this helps, just wanted to let you know your not alone

[adj92]

Mrs. Mania I thought I was alone

[Open Eyes]

adj92, you are not alone. There are so many that have similar challenges, wishing they somehow could have stopped the hurt taking place, but were afraid and did not really know "how" either.

It is very unfortunate, but a lot of adults who are parents don't realize how their behaviors can really do a lot of harm to their children. It's really sad, and countless people who are parents are very uneducated about the affects their behaviors have on their children.

Hi adj92.

I sometimes feel the same as you. However, I will pass on to you what my T keeps telling me... We were little children then. We were not the adults we are today. We had no experience, we were not in a position to do anything for ourselves, except survive as best we could, let alone protect anyone else. Next time you are out, look for a little child at the age you were & ask yourself what that little child could do?
Good luck on your journey & stop beating yourself up for not doing the impossible. Xxx

[adj92]

Thanks JoBo i appricate your feed back