[rastel]

Hi everyone,
I'm here because yesterday i had a breakdown as a part of a fight between me and my sister (20 years old). As a part of this breakdown I came to a realization of some abusive traits of my parents, in correlation to my sociopathic sister (sibling perferance) that has become so engrained in our family that it has been going on till today. Im still that lonely 13 year old, but now I have the urge to speak up, pretty much feel ive been awakened. Im very angry, and i feel the urge to defend that little kid from 10-15 years.
important to say that im a fully functional adult just a bit wacky because of all the stuff that was done, including trust issues, depression that leads to periods of low self esteem. It has not stopped me from reaching good things in life, it has just denied me the option of enjoying life and all my acvomplishments seem to come from that pain.

My sister had severe issues and controlled the entire house for years while I was 10-17 years old. She would constantly manipulate my parents and had severe breakdowns where she would literally break the house down just from hearing no. This lead to increased attention from my parents, while I developed a mask and was busy sitting in my room and avoiding for years any real connection to the outside world. My father (from what i have been lead to think, was emotionally abused as well) has been constantly belittling me and stopping arguments because he wanted quite, which lead me to be violent because I have had no other way to express my feelings. My mother had her own self esteem issues because of my sister. The reason for the awakening was my sister telling me that:"she is not the same person" (and she isnt, congratulations) and that I need to move on. And then i thought to myself that there is no reason to move on just because the house has quieted down a bit and now after everything is calmer its my turn to soeak up for that little abused kid.


its a longlife cycle until today, im afraid my kids will be abused by me the same way so i intend to confront my parents because I believe the relationship is important and im sick and tired of running away from the abuser. I will give them the option of coming to therapy together until everything is resolved or I will be forced to stop the connection for good. Feels good taking back control.

[sideblinded]

rastel I hear you loud and clear. I also have an abusive past. We have to somehow move on in our lives. Have you considered any 12 step programs like CODA or seeing a therapist? If you want this cycle to stop then it is time to work on you. It is time to be selfish. Yes in CODA the attention is about ME. Not anyone else. It is about learning our triggers and learning how to be aware of them and how to deal with them effectively. You saw too much and you were left out so it is time to work on you. Best wishes. BY the way.. WELCOME TO PSYCH CENTRAL.

[BeaFlower]

Welcome rastel. The idea to do therapy together sounds good. Hope that they accept and there are some improvements. Take care of yourself and your kids Love

[rastel]

A little update:

The talk went even better than expected. Surprised myself and after a long long time i felt that my parents really got me, there was even a slight acknowledgement of what theyve done wrong. They agreed to start therapy.

Of course I didnt use the word abuse in the conversation, but for me it will be the best closure possible if they will acknowledge this. They are not bad parents, I dont question their intentions but I will not take the fault for the things that are ****ed up in me for what happend. It was like I was the big best friend of myself standing up for him.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you experienced abuse. No one should have to go through that.
you said

im sick and tired of running away from the abuser. I will give them the option of coming to therapy together until everything is resolved or I will be forced to stop the connection for good. Feels good taking back control.

The problem with abuse is that even if we are 10,000 miles from someone who abused us, the abuser's conditioned responses are inside us. Our abusers get old or move away. The conditioning that abuse caused stays within us until we meet it with the help of a therapist, hopefull\y skilled in helping survivors of abuse.

So in one way this is a blessing. You don't have to get your parents to go through therapy. Just find the little girl inside that was abused and find a way to help her get past the roadblocks and on with life. This in part is what a therapist might do. It is really helpful to have a helper or advocate.

Psych Central is another support that many people find helps. There are forums, articles, moderated chat on specific areas (see the calendar above).

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

There are articles that go into more detail about coping
Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information.

Please feel free to private message any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[BeaFlower]

I'm so happy that it's going well rastel Thanks for letting us know.

[rastel]

my mom is starting to understand the extent, she was always more sensitive. My dad was probably so brainwashed that he still juftifies his actions. Its not as easy as I thought. He keeps talking about the fact that both "parties" need to take responsibility in order to move forward, he will say anything and do anything to not admit and take sole responsibility. I feel sorry for my mom, I hope she gets through this.

One thing that keeps coming up is something they said:"we knew that what happend affected you" and they fail to understand that it makes it worse. They knew and didnt act, didnt give a **** about anyone but themselves.

I really feel like throwing up thinking about this.

[rastel]

As it turns out to be, this was the first time I was triggered into the past. I didnt know this just after 2 days. I saw something in the internet called the 4 stages of abuse healing, and apparently the 2nd stage fits perfectly to this. I was reliving that kid and wanted to protect him so confronted my parents. Pretty much PTSD. My parents acknowledge this (that it's erupted), and they are eager to participate in the healing process. I don't think that they acknowledge the fact that it's probably going to be acknowledged as abuse, and dont know how they will react.

Anyways, keep you posted. And thanks for all the support

[BeaFlower]

I can imagine that it's not easy, dear. Hope that everything goes on well, and that you feel better soon also when you are thinking about this.