[ThisYearsGirl]

Anyone else here dealing with issues around survivor-ing?

Domestic abuse is the most embarrassing of abuses--it's the abuse you allow to continue day after day in your own home when you are a thinking adult in charge of your own life. There's no gun to your head in the dark alley. Just you and the person you love and the way you're letting them treat you.

I did that to myself. For years. I allowed it to happen hoping it would get better, both of us working so hard, but it didn't get better and I had to end it and HOW DO I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR DOING THAT TO MYSELF???

I didn't know how badly it was damaging me and the damage was done and I don't know how to live with myself. And no one really cares--I tell friends but it doesn't really matter. If I'd told them then they would have helped me, but now, they do nothing. How do I wrap my head around what I've done to myself?

[Harika]

Hey there, I never post on the forum but this thread called out to me. Firstly- hugs please don't and yourself for any of it, I am currently in a DA relationship and I attend Womans Aid, a support group for woman who have been in abusive relationships. Is it possible for you to contact a domestic violence charity or organisation so get some support?

I often get flash backs of previous attacks, it can alter my whole mood in the space of seconds. I now also suffer from anxiety which I take mediation for I never used to be this person. But one think I am certain of- it wasn't my fault. The same way it isn't your fault.

Xx

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[ThisYearsGirl]

Thanks Hairika! How are things going in your relationship? I remember when I was in mine, i saw all the reasons for staying, but since I left, the staying bothers me. I know the abuse wasn't my fault, but the fact that I let it continue is my responsibility at least if not fault. I've gotten a fair amount of support around it, right now what I really need to do is work on feeling okay about *everything* not just that issue. just trying to do a whole bunch of little things to take care of myself.

[nicoleflynn]

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse; it wasn't until I found the answer/book that saved my life that I began the journey to leaving: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

We can only do what we can do....when we can do it. I don't beat myself up; that is a useless waste of time.

If people understood that violence is brainwashing...I wish we could remove that word, "domestic" Violence is violence. If anyone is interested in reading my paper: Society's Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault"--just ask. I presented it at the Michigan Counseling Association (no degree, but a lifetime of experience and research). "When you blame me, you shame me and keep me silent."

There WAS "a gun to your head"------psychological....brainwashing....Look up Biderman's Chart of Coercion.....Stockholm syndrome

I felt no need to forgive myself; I did nothing wrong; the abuser DID.

We stay because we think we can make it better. We cannot..... the abuser needs to get help and stop the abuse. .

Treat yourself gently; little baby steps at a time...maybe get some counseling? I used my life story of abuse to win a scholarship and am a Sophomore at 68....Don't ever give up; live your best life.x.xoxo

[Harika]

Hmmmm things are up and down, but I see things clearly now. I'm no longer made to believe things are my fault and that is because of the support group I go to, it's been so helpful! I can see your point very well, I also agree, the abuse isn't the fault of the victim but there is an element of responsibility there. I'm glad you have received some support for it though you're headed in the right direction

Nicole I also fully agree with you, violence is violence and there is no 'domestic' in it. I would love to read your paper you wrote! Would you mind if I showed it to the support workers in my Womans aid group? I think they would find it so interesting. Also a different perspective as you are in the US, I am in Northern Ireland

Also that's amazing you are a student!! You're an inspiration

Thisyearsgirl, I hope you're having lots of icecream for all of us

Xxx

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[ThisYearsGirl]

[QUOTE=nicoleflynn;4150143]
There WAS "a gun to your head"------psychological....brainwashing....Look up Biderman's Chart of Coercion.....Stockholm syndrome

I felt no need to forgive myself; I did nothing wrong; the abuser DID.

We stay because we think we can make it better. We cannot..... the abuser needs to get help and stop the abuse. .

[QUOTE]

Thanks for responding, but I was not brainwashed. I knew exactly what was going on. I let it happen to myself. It's just a fact.

I blame my abuser for the abuse, but I stayed. No gun to my head. Just my laziness and love and hope and childhood issues.

Clearly I have no idea how to use the quote function.

[justme8]

well thank you all for shareing these stores to help each other get past these dark places we found ourselfs in.
It was not that way at first otherwise we would not have gotten into the relationship to start with although there were things that we did not see that would lead to the abuse . We just need to be sure to have bounderies in all our relationships these are things we just wont be ok with and then stick to them, always.