Hey,

For the past five years, I've been working towards owning my own truth, and my therapist says the way to do it is to keep sharing my story with others and being heard and validated.

Thought we might all use this thread for that

I just realised part of my story is that I didn't want to be with my parents when I was a child and while growing up. They're selfish people who weren't fit to be parents. Kept me alive but starved and abused me emotionally, and physically through neglect. I wished my godparents had taken me in, but they never realised what was going on, how bad it was. My godmother didn't believe me when as a child I basically told her she and my godfather were more important to me than my own parents.

Thanks for reading

[jelly-bean]

I am so glad that you felt you could talk to us about this. It is a good idea to get it out in the open like your T said. We are good listeners and I am happy to be a tiny part of your therapy.

[nicoleflynn]

I shared my truth by writing my memoir and won a scholarship because of what I have overcomg...and thrived and am a Sophomore at 68. Sharing our stories helps others tosee that we are all more alike than not...validation of our human experience.

Thank you, jelly-bean, you're so kind like so many here in PC I'm really glad I decided to register here!

Wow, nicoleflynn, that sounds amazing..! I tip my hat to you

Another thing I realised today is that I'm never going to 'have' my mother.. That she'll never decide to 'have' me, never choose to know me on a deeper level.. My whole life, I've hoped against hope she would, but now I know she won't. I feel weird. Can't imagine always having an empty space where my mum's love should be.

But this also means I can move on.. I'm happy about that Excited to see what life has in store for me..

Woke up this morning feeling as though I was about to cry, and this little voice in my head went, 'It was SO horrible to be SO alone as a kid - I couldn't have been more alone!' Also been feeling really down about my dad emotionally and psychologically abandoning me.. How could he! I know there are no answers, or maybe there are too many to name - just need to vent..

Thank U for 'listening'

Here again.. I'm so scared to live it's ridiculous! Afraid of getting hurt.. I feel it'd just kill me. To have another person not care about what I need and want.. Not that anyone else should be responsible for those things, of course not! But to have someone else (besides my folks) to care more about what they want, and to hell with me!

But now that I wrote this down, I realised I don't have to care anymore - no one can tell me to do anything I don't want to do! I'm not dependent on anyone anymore..

[Frankbtl]

Hi d.o.a, it's great you've chosen us to share with

And..........."I realised I don't have to care anymore - no one can tell me to do anything I don't want to do! I'm not dependent on anyone anymore.."

YOU are SO right!!!

And the "gap"/"empty space" where your mother/her love is concerned..........well I'd say that's a much bigger "gap" for her, whether she knows it or not!!!
For you.......I know it's not quite the same, but it sounds like you were loved (by your godparents) for who you were......you have come out of it all as a good person and with your own identity/with strength/with fight/with a drive to be yourself.........you have come so far despite everything.
And.......of course thanks to the person you've stayed/you are........you will still be loved by others.
But your mom..........well she's missed out on so much, on having really known you, on missing those priceless moments/feelings/emotions of being a real mother.........and sharing/being able to be there for you in all those first moments, being able to be there for you in every part of your life.
So perhaps try to see it as her loss, not so much yours...........you are still special, still unique........and you haven't needed her to be be that.......and there will still be plenty of people to like, to admire that, to appreciate that in you......and to love that about you.



Alison

Thank you for your words of encouragement, Alison, your help means a lot to me

What hurts the most is that my mum doesn't seem to care about missing out on ever really knowing me - it was never what she wanted from me. I just need to keep reminding myself that it's no reflection on my worth nor does it mean that no one else will ever care about me!

In therapy, my godfather has come out as my 'safe adult'.. As a child, I could sit on his lap as just myself, whether that was sad, angry, happy.. He never rejected me! It seems so simple, and SO little when I think about everything I should have got from the adults in my life.. But it 'kept me alive' - I think that without it, I might have learned I was totally unacceptable and would never have even thought about doing the work to become who I truly am.

[RainbowG]

It can be shocking to realize how selfish some parents can be. Both of my parents use their children as things to meet their needs while harping constantly on how sacrificing and loving they are. They used to compare themselves with every other parent that came into my life (i.e., my friends' parents, their friends as parents, etc.) and they always came out superior. And I believed it!

It's only since I went no-contact and started healing that it hit me just how selfish they've always been. They had zero interest in knowing who I really was. They just concentrated on who they wanted me to be and manipulated me as best they could to get me to be that person. Thankfully, I'm made of stronger stuff!

I guess we just have to accept that there are parents who have no right to be parents because they really can't stop thinking about their own needs. They think having kids will make them feel loved because they suck all the love out of their kids and give conditional love or no love back. I take strength in realizing that I have more awareness than they do and can therefore avoid being as selfish as they are. That, to me, is a major triumph in life.

Woke up so angry this morning, angry that my mum subjected me to a dad who didn't want me!

[nicoleflynn]

Sometimes our family are not blood relatives. They are the people who love us.

[Purple Heart]

Originally Posted by d.o.a.

Thank you, jelly-bean, you're so kind like so many here in PC I'm really glad I decided to register here!

Wow, nicoleflynn, that sounds amazing..! I tip my hat to you

Another thing I realised today is that I'm never going to 'have' my mother.. That she'll never decide to 'have' me, never choose to know me on a deeper level.. My whole life, I've hoped against hope she would, but now I know she won't. I feel weird. Can't imagine always having an empty space where my mum's love should be.

But this also means I can move on.. I'm happy about that Excited to see what life has in store for me..

Hi d.o.a. hugs.

This post is one of the saddest I've ever read on this site. I can relate also as my mother is likes yours. It makes a lot of sense when you say there is an empty space where your mother's love should be. I'm currently in recovery and healing but it seems to take a long time. There is so much I missed out on as a child, so much love. My mother will probably die soon and I know I tried everything as an adult to build something close, but she stonewalled me. I know when she dies I will have no regrets as I tried everything.

Peace

PH

Thank you for your response, Purple Heart! I'm really sorry you've had to go through something like this as well.. No one should have to!

I haven't really tried to build a connection with my mum. I realised very early on in life I cannot change anyone else - it's entirely her choice if she wants to get to know me or not. Believe me, it's driven me crazy over the years not being able to change her mind.. But I can't. Just cannot..

My energy's gone into trying to be everything I thought she wanted me to be.. all the while trying to get the love that just seemed to evade me.. Of course I felt like that.. That love never existed. What I earned from her was acceptance - and the part of me that wanted (wants) to be loved for who she is was never going to get what it needed as she can't/won't give it to me.. She was the problem to begin with! Kind of feel like I've wasted a whole lot of my life, but there's no point regretting that now.. Just have to stop trying to please her. Find love somewhere else!

The past few days, I've really been feeling the sadness over her not wanting me.. What's different to how I've felt before is that suddenly, I don't feel like I have to run away from the pain! I can just express it..

[dandylin]

I am so grateful that my abusers are dead and gone. Not having to answer to them or feel any sort of obligation to them is what has saved my life.

Been feeling really weird for a few days.. I feel I've been trying to hide from something and it's coming out as attention-seeking behaviour on Facebook..

I think I really wouldn't want to admit that my mum doesn't like me.. I know she doesn't, but I don't want to take it in.. It's also really embarrassing since I keep posting in order to get 'likes' which would 'prove' to me that I'm funny or whatever.. Feeling really ashamed Even more so when people are NOT liking my posts.. I'm sure I just seem annoying for posting too much!

Don't know why it'd be such a big deal anymore that my mum doesn't like me.. It's not like her opinions say anything about who I truly am!!!

Also, I feel I shouldn't be joking around and trying to seem funny.. What I really need are people who'll support me in believing and following my dreams. My mum doesn't, she hates it if I try to fulfill them or even dare mention them. I think it's too hurtful for her to hear about them or face the fact that it's still possible for me to have and follow my dreams as she never did and isn't going to follow her own..

The worst thing is that even my friends don't seem to support me in this Even they seem jealous even though they're all about fulfilling their own dreams.. But they've adapted their dreams to society's rules and seem miffed if I tell them I'm planning to something out of the norm..

Oh, tell me it's OK to dream!!!

Feeling really sad that my mum left me emotionally alone when I was a child.. Really sad. </3

Hey,

Just feel I need to share that I was incredibly scared of my father when I was growing up.. I'm sure I've already written about it somewhere on this site, but I feel I need to share what it actually was that I was scared of.

He's a really odd person. When I was a child, it seemed to me that he was around, physically, but with no regard to what was going on around him. My mum is often upset, and my dad never consoled her. I'd understand if he'd been good at first but then got frustrated when her moods didn't improve, but from what I've heard, he's always been quite horrible to her. Emotionally abusive.. Neglecting. Never committed to their relationship and to his part in taking care of her. The few times he did ask her what was wrong, it wasn't in an 'I love you, what's wrong, how can I help' sort of way, but in a 'You're making my life difficult, get a grip!' sort of tone - which to me feels incredibly heartless

Can you see why such a man would scare me? I guess I'm just trying to find validation for my feelings because I've always wondered if I'm not the one who's crazy.. I feel my dad's anger or craziness is so invisible! And I've wondered if I ever even had any reason to be afraid of him.. whether his way of handling people is the right way after all.. But I don't think so! You can't be heartless towards other people, it's not right Imagine him being that way towards a child who's completely dependent on him.. I must have thought I'd die if my mum left me alone with him!

[newday2020]

children are smart......they have feelings......until they find out it isn't safe to feel.

I am so glad to see you can express your feelings now. You matter.

[pmbm]

Originally Posted by d.o.a.

Hey,


I just realised part of my story is that I didn't want to be with my parents when I was a child and while growing up. They're selfish people who weren't fit to be parents. Kept me alive but starved and abused me emotionally, and physically through neglect. I wished my godparents had taken me in, but they never realised what was going on, how bad it was. My godmother didn't believe me when as a child I basically told her she and my godfather were more important to me than my own parents.

Thanks for reading

Seeing this brought me back to a time that I begged my mother to let me go to boarding school. I was 10. She told me that I could not run away from my problems.

[AnomalousCarrotCake]

After a long period of estrangement, my father became seriously ill. My mother asked for my help on his behalf, since I had some knowledge of his illness. This put me back in touch with him after many years of no contact, no communication.

I thought if I gave him a second chance, if I somehow helped him get better, he would turn around and change and become a better person. That he would be the father I hoped for and not the father I had.

As it turned out, he was developing rapid onset dementia and no one knew why. There was nothing I could do to help him, nothing I could do to fix the situation, and now he's gone.

My father has died more than once in my life. He has died three times. The first time was when I realized he wasn't the father I hoped he would be and never would be. The second time when he lost his mind and I could no longer communicate with him. The third is when his physical body died.

I live with the anger that I had to grow up with an abusive, demanding father and nothing I did could change that.

I live with the anger that my mother was ineffectual, codependent, and acted the martyr role.

I live with the anger that the rest of my family didn't extract me from that situation.

I live with the sadness that my father didn't seem like a horrible person when I was young, up until maybe about 9 -- then things turned sideways for some reason.

I live with the sadness that, for a variety of reasons, I have not had children of my own and so my emotional desire to somehow prove I could do it right, be a good mother, and not perpetuate the abuse that was used against me will never come to fruition.

There is so much anger and sadness here, I don't even know where to begin.

I agree we shouldn't run away from our problems - except when other people are the problem. Then there may not be any other choice than to 'leave' if only emotionally, to live our own lives.

AnomalousCarrotCake, thank you so much for sharing your story so honestly. I know all too well what you're talking about and really feel for you

Lately, I've been reading a lot about how to make my Irritable Bowel Syndrome better.. Just now, I read about reconnecting with my sense of my physical body, and suddenly, felt like crying. I asked myself what was wrong and heard, 'It wasn't like that!' When I was a child, I couldn't connect with my body - instead, I learned to fear it I learned to fear my needs as my dad didn't accept them and I thought I was to blame for that. I learned to hate them and didn't want to meet them or even admit I had them. My poor body.. It has had to endure so much neglect over the years!

[dandylin]

I am angry lately, because of the abuse, neglect and manipulation I endured growing up, I can't trust anyone. I cannot let my guard down with anyone. Not even my husband.

Just need to share that I've been SO F'ING HURT!!!!! And it's amazing that I can say this now, that I don't have to be the 'strong' one anymore who causes mama no grief.. Because I do think the strong ones are really the ones who dare open up their hearts and be vulnerable even though they may get hurt.. I'm so glad I'm on the path towards my most authentic self

[pachyderm]

Surprised to see this forum. Was it always here?