[lilpeanut0024]

Well, i am a 'survivor' of sexual abuse, even though i don't feel like much of a survivor because i spend every day reliving what i went through, haunting me!
I've never really spoken about it before, I told my mum when i was 14 but she didn't believe me. she thought i was attention seeking. My family know and it went to court and stuff, i was referred to counselling as well, but it wasn't effective as there was so much other stuff going on
The person who abused me was my dad, it went on for 7 years. I was 5 years old when it started and i didn't tell a sole until i was 16. People thought he was this perfect dad to me and my siblings but he wasn't.
He got sentenced to 22 years in prison in 2009 and too be honest i still haven't come to terms with everything.

At 16, my whole life fell apart. All the threats my dad made to keep me quiet started to happen. My sisters got taken into care and my mum met a new guy and ended up losing our home. We became homeless and she started living on the streets. My nan took me in and tried to help me but my mum refused to live there as my nan wouldn't accept her new boyfriend. he dragged her down to the gutter and she started drinking, she was an alcoholic and the doctors told her if she continued to drink she would die.

In 2011 I got received some money for compensation and managed to rent a house, i allowed my mum and her boyfriend to stay as i couldn't bare the thought of her living on the streets. But we ended up being kicked out due to her always coming in drunk and disrupting the neighbours.

In 2012 she found some inner strength and weened herself off the alcohol.
We moved into a new house, and fought to get my sisters back!
It took along time, but by 2014 they were both back home.

Due to such an upheaval and having to deal with my mum and stuff i have never had time to really come to terms with what happened to me.

For a long time i blamed myself, was i really that bad a child? why me? i have even thought about going to see him in prison to get answers, but i don't think thats a very good idea.

Recently i have struggled with depression, and for as long as i can remember i have suffered with social anxiety.
my moods are all over the place, i can be very irritable for no reason and if I'm not manically depressed, I'm OTT hyper.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

All my friends lost interest as soon as news spread, so it gets pretty lonely.
No-one seems to understand.

[kindachaotic]

Am so so sorry you had such a rotten childhood.
You were a good kid & none of it was your fault.
I am in U.S. and from what I've read, on here, the
NHS can be difficult to deal with when it comes to
mental health.

Do you see/or can get a therapist? Maybe get a referral
for a pdoc to possibly try meds. Some people believe in
them some don't.

Thank you for sharing your story. You are very courageous
and compassionate. Time to take care of yourself.

Hopefully you'll get more responses & better advice.
Just wanted you to know someone read your post and
believe in you.

Take good care. (((gentle hugs)))

[sideblinded]

lilpeanut0024, wow your story is so sad. You have been through a lot. I am sorry that you lost your friends. Many of us do understand here. I suffered a lot of what you did but not to your extent. You have been abused sexually and emotionally. Same as me. You are an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) and so am I. A lot of our problems stem from toxic unwell parents and we reap the awful consequences well into our adulthood if we don't get help. I got help late but it is never too late. None of what happened to you was your fault. Your mother can only help herself as you are powerless over her drinking.

It is no wonder that you are confused, moody, anxious and depressed. I have been there and I still have my problems. I have triggers from my childhood that I am working on with a therapist.

You could benefit from talking to a therapist as you have been through so much. I don't know what is offered in your area as you live in another country but here there are 12 step support groups available like ACOA, CODA and Alonon. If you have any questions about these groups you can PM me. Please see what your options are for getting some help. Therapy would also help with the sexual abuse. I wish I had sought help much earlier in my life. Best wishes.

[5sos_2000]

I am so sorry this all happened to you. This is horrible. I hope everything gets better for you and you feel better about yourself.