[donotusemyname28]

So I'm going to try to explain this as best as possible but it's been decades so bear with me.

When I was 13, I started working with a distant family member who owned their own plumbing business. I volunteered to work with him because I wanted to try having a job and the money was nice too. Due to the type of work we did (usually either replacing pipes or laying new pipes), we were usually alone wherever we were working. A lot of times we would even be the only ones in the house/building.

On occasion we would roughhouse some which I didn't really care for but I was a kid so it was just whatever to me. But one day while roughhousing, he

Possible trigger:

put his hand into my pants and grabbed my penis. He would squeeze it and say something like "don't move or I'll rip it off"

but he said it like it was some kind of game or something. I don't remember much from that day aside from going home and being confused and anxious and debating on whether I should tell my mom. I decided not to and it happened at least 4-5 more times.

The last time it happened we were at his house after working to eat lunch and we weren't even roughhousing but he came up behind me and did it again. I told him to let me go or I would start hitting him. He didn't so I did.

I immediately stopped working for him and went through a few rough weeks of being so incredibly confused and conflicted, wondering why all of this happened. I began to avoid him and refuse to talk to him and he ended up sending me a letter. The letter was basically him telling me I used him for money, I was a useless, manipulative brat, I was a liar who never cared about anybody, etc.

I went and talked to my grandfather because I knew he was a smart person. After a long talk between us, he got the family member in question to come over and sit down with us to talk. The family member said that he didn't mean it in a sexual way but that that's what all the boys he knew did to each other while roughhousing when he was a teen so it wasn't a big deal. My grandfather said it would be best if I didn't tell anybody so I never did. Even to this day, I'm uncomfortable even being in the same room with my family member and I don't really know where to go from here.

So this leads me back to my initial question: is it considered molestation or even just inappropriate touching if there truly wasn't any sexual intent involved? It should also be noted the the family member in question has had really bad diabetes his whole life therefore he's always lived with his mom and never really seemed interested in dating anyone.

How would this really be classified and should I talk to a therapist?

[Creative ToFu]

Well it was abusive for sure. I'm not sure which category to put it in, but all abuse can affect you negatively. How old was this family member? Talking with a T can help you sort it out. It reminds of the type of "horseplay" guys do, or hazing done at universities and in sports, but to me it is still bullying behavior and abusive. It is very abusive as he kept doing this over and over against your wishes. Did he stop after your grandpa set you both down and talked to you?

Originally Posted by donotusemyname28

So I'm going to try to explain this as best as possible but it's been decades so bear with me.

When I was 13, I started working with a distant family member who owned their own plumbing business. I volunteered to work with him because I wanted to try having a job and the money was nice too. Due to the type of work we did (usually either replacing pipes or laying new pipes), we were usually alone wherever we were working. A lot of times we would even be the only ones in the house/building.

On occasion we would roughhouse some which I didn't really care for but I was a kid so it was just whatever to me. But one day while roughhousing, he

Possible trigger:

put his hand into my pants and grabbed my penis. He would squeeze it and say something like "don't move or I'll rip it off"

but he said it like it was some kind of game or something. I don't remember much from that day aside from going home and being confused and anxious and debating on whether I should tell my mom. I decided not to and it happened at least 4-5 more times.

The last time it happened we were at his house after working to eat lunch and we weren't even roughhousing but he came up behind me and did it again. I told him to let me go or I would start hitting him. He didn't so I did.

I immediately stopped working for him and went through a few rough weeks of being so incredibly confused and conflicted, wondering why all of this happened. I began to avoid him and refuse to talk to him and he ended up sending me a letter. The letter was basically him telling me I used him for money, I was a useless, manipulative brat, I was a liar who never cared about anybody, etc.

I went and talked to my grandfather because I knew he was a smart person. After a long talk between us, he got the family member in question to come over and sit down with us to talk. The family member said that he didn't mean it in a sexual way but that that's what all the boys he knew did to each other while roughhousing when he was a teen so it wasn't a big deal. My grandfather said it would be best if I didn't tell anybody so I never did. Even to this day, I'm uncomfortable even being in the same room with my family member and I don't really know where to go from here.

So this leads me back to my initial question: is it considered molestation or even just inappropriate touching if there truly wasn't any sexual intent involved? It should also be noted the the family member in question has had really bad diabetes his whole life therefore he's always lived with his mom and never really seemed interested in dating anyone.

How would this really be classified and should I talk to a therapist?

[donotusemyname28]

Originally Posted by Creative ToFu

Well it was abusive for sure. I'm not sure which category to put it in, but all abuse can affect you negatively. How old was this family member? Talking with a T can help you sort it out. It reminds of the type of "horseplay" guys do, or hazing done at universities and in sports, but to me it is still bullying behavior and abusive. It is very abusive as he kept doing this over and over against your wishes. Did he stop after your grandpa set you both down and talked to you?

He was 45. He stopped because I quit working for him and pretty much avoided being alone with him period, and that's when he sent the letter telling me I was useless. Hazing/horseplay could be the case, it just seems sketchy for a 45 year old single man living with his mom does that to a 13 year old boy.

I didn't have too many friends as a teen and I didn't go to a university where this kind of thing happened that often between guys, so does it happen a lot in less conservative areas?

[Creative ToFu]

Hazing usually doesn't happen with such an age difference in people I think, so I am leaning towards sexual abuse but I am not an expert. It could be physical abuse too. Inappropriate touching is molestation if you are a minor and he wasn't, as far as I know. It was abuse, that is for sure. Hazing does happen in the military too, it is abuse too. What he did was wrong to you, nobody should be touching nobody when it isn't wanted. This wasn't horseplay, he should have known better as he was an adult. His letter was emotionally abusive too. I am so sorry that happened to you. Therapy could help you. How long ago did this happen?

Originally Posted by donotusemyname28

He was 45. He stopped because I quit working for him and pretty much avoided being alone with him period, and that's when he sent the letter telling me I was useless. Hazing/horseplay could be the case, it just seems sketchy for a 45 year old single man living with his mom does that to a 13 year old boy.

I didn't have too many friends as a teen and I didn't go to a university where this kind of thing happened that often between guys, so does it happen a lot in less conservative areas?

[donotusemyname28]

Originally Posted by Creative ToFu

Hazing usually doesn't happen with such an age difference in people I think, so I am leaning towards sexual abuse but I am not an expert. It could be physical abuse too. Inappropriate touching is molestation if you are a minor and he wasn't, as far as I know. It was abuse, that is for sure. Hazing does happen in the military too, it is abuse too. What he did was wrong to you, nobody should be touching nobody when it isn't wanted. This wasn't horseplay, he should have known better as he was an adult. His letter was emotionally abusive too. I am so sorry that happened to you. Therapy could help you. How long ago did this happen?

I appreciate the help. Yeah, I've heard about it happening in the military and I imagine that has to be one of the worst situations to be in given the lifestyle soldiers typically have. It happened about 19-20 years ago I believe. It definitely feels good to finally have it off of my chest though. I went a long time just trying to forget that it happened.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

is it considered molestation or even just inappropriate touching It is wrong. He should not have done it. Every adult knows this.

[Perna]

The legal definition of molestation is:

n. the crime of sexual acts with children up to the age of 18, including touching of private parts, exposure of genitalia, taking of pornographic pictures, rape, inducement of sexual acts with the molester or with other children, and variations of these acts by pedophiles. Molestation also applies to incest by a relative with a minor family member, and any unwanted sexual acts with adults short of rape.

[donotusemyname28]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

is it considered molestation or even just inappropriate touching It is wrong. He should not have done it. Every adult knows this.

Thank you. I agree, he should've known. I just hope I was the only one

[donotusemyname28]

Originally Posted by Perna

The legal definition of molestation is:

n. the crime of sexual acts with children up to the age of 18, including touching of private parts, exposure of genitalia, taking of pornographic pictures, rape, inducement of sexual acts with the molester or with other children, and variations of these acts by pedophiles. Molestation also applies to incest by a relative with a minor family member, and any unwanted sexual acts with adults short of rape.

Alright, thank you

[ThingWithFeathers]

I say yes, it was molestation. It wasn't sexual to you, but who knows what it was to the grown man touching you. Totally inappropriate.