[shakespeare47]

I've started a few other threads about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of a stranger my parents let me spend the night with. It appears I still suffer from some amnesia from the incident, and I sometimes fear it was much worse than what I remember.

Anyway.... I told my parents about the abuse, but no one else. Apparently, my dad told my brother, because he used it as an opportunity to attack me. He flat out told me once that the reason I was abused and he wasn't was because he was a "tough little kid". At the time, I actually tried to explain and argue with him.... but, the more I thought about it, the more I think he actions are indefensible. He's always been a thorn in my side. Someone who was an attacker and jealous of any success I had.
Around the same time period, he angrily told me that because I had a house and a rental house, that I should just give him the rental. On many occasions, he has gone and told family members I was treating him unfairly... one occasion was because I expected him to pay back money that he owed. How terrible of me, lol.

About a year ago, I decided I was fed up with his behavior, so I wrote an email to every family member I knew with an email address (him included), and asked for an apology for the comments about the sexual abuse... He just denied that it was true and told me that he "loved me". Because of his response, I told him he was never allowed to contact me again. My dad actually took his side, and wanted to know the context of his comments. He wanted to know if we were fighting at the time (we weren't).... I'm so sick of my family. I went about 8 months without seeing or contacting my parents, and my brother has moved far away. Those 8 months have been some of the most peaceful I have known in many years....

Anyway, my mother contracted breast cancer, and underwent a double mastectomy on friday, so I visited them... and, it reminded me of all this... I'm reminded of just how abusive my parents have been in many ways over the years.... they didn't even seem all that concerned when they found out about the abuse... Wouldn't you think they would want the guy that did this to me to be found? They didn't express any concern about the crime he committed (I told them about the abuse about 13 years after it happened).

Anyone else have anything similar happen? Ever had a family member tell you it was your fault you were abused? Have you gotten much support from your family?

I feel I was traumatized in so many ways.... my earliest memories are of my mother saying and doing cruel things to me, of my dad drinking a lot and beating my mom... then I was abused by a stranger who seemed kind.... then I had to deal with a cruel brother, and uncaring parents, yet again... Can't I get a break?

I am getting better at getting rid of unhelpful people... they don't deserve to be in my life. I've had enough crap, it's time for me to find some supportive people to spend time with..

[Quarter life]

Hey shakespeare47....I totally empathise with your frustration when it comes to non existent family support. I have been living with severe PTSD & debilitating Depression for 25 years. My illness stemmed from ‘Torture trauma’ (details withheld at this stage). I have been in and out of therapy, on umpteen different medications, ostracised by family, friends and colleagues, and shunned by society in the search for an answer, just an inkling of how to get myself ‘well’. 18 months ago I said ….ENOUGH!….I mean, really, what’s the point of living a ‘quarter life’. A life with constraints put in place by all those that said throughout those 25 years ‘To hell with you, you’re not one of us’. All those lost years of being afraid to live my life because I was told over and over that I didn’t fit in, that I was damaged and therefore not quite good enough.

I have been a draftsman for a lot of my adult life (albeit off and on). Whenever I would make a big error on hand drawn schematics it was always easier to start again rather than make amendments to a messy drawing……So I have now done the same thing with the old damaged, broken, messy me….Thrown her in the trash, and started again.

I changed my name, moved to a different State and chose to be different, chose to be the me I want to be. Not better, not worse, just different. It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile is. It’s not the solution for everyone, and I totally get that. But I handed myself over to so called professionals and family members for a quarter of a century, and it didn’t do a damn bit of good. So this has to be better than the hell I was living. I don’t necessarily choose happy as that’s a concept I’m yet to become familiar with……..I choose life.

Be kind to yourself shakespeare47. Q.L
__________________

[elisaanya]

"I am getting better at getting rid of unhelpful people... they don't deserve to be in my life. I've had enough crap, it's time for me to find some supportive people to spend time with.." I think it's great that you can realize this. A lot of people is like 'oh, but it's your family! It's your blood'. Well, to hell with that. Family are just people, and people can be cruel and uncaring. If you went through 8 months without them and felt better, then honey it's time to let them go.
I could not tell you my experience because, in fact, my parents don't know about my abuse. I'll never tell them, no use can come of it, it would just hurt them and it'd mean that I'd have to talk about it and I don't want to, so...
But I do get it about having kind of crazy parents. My mum's a terrible parent (and a person): selfish, manipulative, constantly in a bad mood, hypocrite, liar, never listens to me. I know that the day I move to another country, I'll lose contact with her a lot. Not entirely, sadly, cause I do love my dad and him I don't want to lose. And you know what? I don't feel bad about it.
I mean, we've been through enough! We don't need people like that in our lives! Our lives are already hard enough to put up with those guys.

[AmateurEverything!]

I totally agree with you! If you were born into a toxic family - find a new one! Family isn't about blood. It's about people who love you and want the best for you. It's totally doable. I don't buy that argument of "but it's your family!".

My father caught me trying to kill myself when I was 12/13 he laughed and called me a coward.

When I was in my early twenties during an extremely weak moment of mine I tried to tell him I was raped, again he laughed only this time he told me I deserved it. (Have to agree with him there though. Should never have been that drunk and should never have trusted the person in the first place.)

The second time I should have known better but that first time really gets to me.

Who sees their 12/13 year old child swallowing handfuls of pills and doesn't even try to take them to the hospital?

[shakespeare47]

Oh my God. I'm so sorry.... Do you still have contact with him?

Do you ever try to imagine what a good parent might have done instead?

[geez]

My mom found out my abuser and I kissed (she didn't know I was being abused). She slapped me in the face in front of relatives and family. It was my fault.

When I was an adult I told her I was abused by R and she exclaimed: "Why didn't you tell me?!"

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by geez

My mom found out my abuser and I kissed (she didn't know I was being abused). She slapped me in the face in front of relatives and family. It was my fault.

When I was an adult I told her I was abused by R and she exclaimed: "Why didn't you tell me?!"

It's so terrible that parents can be so oblivious...

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Oh my God. I'm so sorry.... Do you still have contact with him?

Do you ever try to imagine what a good parent might have done instead?

I was swallowing the pills because I'd come to the conclusion death was better than dealing with him. The reaction of a better parent seems unimportant. I wouldn't have been in that position with a better parent.

Haven't spoken to him in, I think close to three years, admittedly he did force my hand. After he tried to have me arrested for something he asked me to do I had to accept that there was nothing I could do to help him.

I still carry some guilt over that, like I have abandoned him but at least the nightmares have calmed down.

No contact unfortunately doesn't heal everything.

[shakespeare47]

^No contact may not heal everything... but, it's certainly better than him continuing to hurt you, isn't it?

That's what I've found with my family... No contact leads to a better quality of life.

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

^No contact may not heal everything... but, it's certainly better than him continuing to hurt you, isn't it?

That's what I've found with my family... No contact leads to a better quality of life.

This is true but some would act that NC is the be all and end all of getting better. It helps but they neglect to mention how much more work there is to come or that often it opens up its own can of worms.

[shakespeare47]

I hear you.. but, I've basically decided I'd rather deal with the consequences of not being around my family, than to have to deal with the consequences of actually having contact with them.

[shakespeare47]

I think the last time I had any contact with my parents was Christmas, 6 months ago. I've been enjoying it.
But, yesterday, out of the blue, they called and wanted to come over for a visit. It went fairly well, my 6 yr old son was excited about their visit.
The worst is that they brought up my brother. They've insinuated more that actually suggested that I'm overreacting. But, I think I made the right move by suggesting that if my brother wants to have contact with me, then he can acknowledge what he said (It's my fault I was sexually abused), and apologize. If he continues to play the "I never said that, there's something wrong with you" card, then I see no reason to have any contact with him.

I just now told my dad "I have no idea why you find it necessary to let me know you enjoy being around someone who has let me know he thinks the fact I was sexually abused was my fault."

It will be interesting to hear his response.

[Creative ToFu]

There is NO way abusive people are going to care if you were abused because they are playing for the same teem. I've had to leave many relatives behind who were either abusive or who didn't believe me. It been going on since 2000 and life as been so peaceful getting away from all that poison. Do what is best for you!

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

I've started a few other threads about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of a stranger my parents let me spend the night with. It appears I still suffer from some amnesia from the incident, and I sometimes fear it was much worse than what I remember.

Anyway.... I told my parents about the abuse, but no one else. Apparently, my dad told my brother, because he used it as an opportunity to attack me. He flat out told me once that the reason I was abused and he wasn't was because he was a "tough little kid". At the time, I actually tried to explain and argue with him.... but, the more I thought about it, the more I think he actions are indefensible. He's always been a thorn in my side. Someone who was an attacker and jealous of any success I had.
Around the same time period, he angrily told me that because I had a house and a rental house, that I should just give him the rental. On many occasions, he has gone and told family members I was treating him unfairly... one occasion was because I expected him to pay back money that he owed. How terrible of me, lol.

About a year ago, I decided I was fed up with his behavior, so I wrote an email to every family member I knew with an email address (him included), and asked for an apology for the comments about the sexual abuse... He just denied that it was true and told me that he "loved me". Because of his response, I told him he was never allowed to contact me again. My dad actually took his side, and wanted to know the context of his comments. He wanted to know if we were fighting at the time (we weren't).... I'm so sick of my family. I went about 8 months without seeing or contacting my parents, and my brother has moved far away. Those 8 months have been some of the most peaceful I have known in many years....

Anyway, my mother contracted breast cancer, and underwent a double mastectomy on friday, so I visited them... and, it reminded me of all this... I'm reminded of just how abusive my parents have been in many ways over the years.... they didn't even seem all that concerned when they found out about the abuse... Wouldn't you think they would want the guy that did this to me to be found? They didn't express any concern about the crime he committed (I told them about the abuse about 13 years after it happened).

Anyone else have anything similar happen? Ever had a family member tell you it was your fault you were abused? Have you gotten much support from your family?

I feel I was traumatized in so many ways.... my earliest memories are of my mother saying and doing cruel things to me, of my dad drinking a lot and beating my mom... then I was abused by a stranger who seemed kind.... then I had to deal with a cruel brother, and uncaring parents, yet again... Can't I get a break?

I am getting better at getting rid of unhelpful people... they don't deserve to be in my life. I've had enough crap, it's time for me to find some supportive people to spend time with..

[nicoleflynn]

I am SO proud of you. Boundaries!

xo

P.S. My t gave me the most valued words I ever heard; "Restorative Justice"---meaning, this is what you did, this is how it made me feel...A way of taking your power back.

[shakespeare47]

My dad responded and did apologize for not keeping me safe all those years ago. So, that was encouraging. He also said he doesn't take sides, and that he wishes my brother and I could work out our differences.
I told him that I have no idea how we can move forward if my brother continues to deny he said what he said and reiterated that I see no reason to have any contact with someone who claims it's my fault I was sexually abused when I was a child.

[Open Eyes]

I think that you did well in standing your ground on this issue shakesphere. You "do" deserve an appology from your brother and he needs to grow up and recognize that he was wrong to blame you, or any victim for that matter.

I do think is was good that your father did appologize for not better protecting you in the past. However, IMHO, he should at least step up to the plate for you now and say something to your older brother. In a way he is repeating that same old error in not coming to your defense. What he is showing you is that even though he recognizes he failed you, he is also saying he still lacks the knowledge to not fail you in the "now" too.
It's like saying "well I did not tie my shoes right in the past, I can see that now", however, "I still don't know how to tie my shoes right even now", see what I am saying shakesphere? Your father has not really "learned" how to "tie shoes the right way", but at least he is aware that he did not do it right in the past.

When a person asks "you" to find a way to figure out how to deal with another dysfunctional individual, what that means is that while they can see the dysfunction, they still don't know how to address it effectively and stand "with you" in a supportive way.

What you are learning to see is how this individual who was your father lacked in his abilities and the fact that he did admit fault with you is actually a biggie. If you want more than that however, he can and probably will get angry, that has been all your father knows how to do. That is what he showed you in his past. And guess what, your brother can't even get to the part where he is capable of at least admitting how he treated you was wrong.

Your brother can't even get to the first step of growing as a person, which ofcourse is admitting to a wrong. Admitting one has a "problem" is the first step to growing as a person, often that is the hardest step as one faces the risk of being "judged" and most men don't like that, most people don't like that as people feel vulnerable when they admit wrongs.

You have been willing to open up, you have been willing to "be vulnerable", that TAKES COURAGE. However, you also stand a much better chance of "growing as a person" too.
You don't want to shove it down anymore, you want to "learn" instead. Well, that is a challenge, but you deserve respect for being willing to take on that challenge. That being said, often when a person needs to distance from toxic family members is because these family members are not interested in being "vulnerable" and yes they can be unsupportive too. When someone is going through the process of opening up and healing and growing as a person, they need to grieve the others in their lives that choose to self sustain based on developing and maintaining toxic behavior patterns. It is important however that when any one of these individuals happens to admit "fault", it's a big deal. That doesn't mean they have the wisdom or where with all to do any more than that, often they don't. That will need to be grieved too.

[shakespeare47]

This is how my dad responded. "Your parents failed miserably. That man should have been charged and jailed. It was NOT your fault. It was ours. We were completely asleep at the wheel but . No blame at all. None. On you. None. It's on us and on that bastard man."

And I do appreciate it. Maybe there is room for healing, at least between my parents and I.

[Open Eyes]

Good, it was nice that your parents are willing to "validate" you. This is how more public awareness begins to help people slowly learn how to "listen and validate".

I am so glad to hear you experienced that, it's very healing when that happens. You need to be patient in wanting more, often that may not be something that is a "know how to" for one's family members.