[atam90]

Hello, everyone.

I am really unsure if this is the appropriate place to post this, and if it is, please accept my apologies. My question regards the behavior my mother has expressed towards me both growing up and now as a young adult in my 20's, and I am really starting to have doubts if this behavior is "normal" like I once thought.

Part of me feels really selfish for even posting this, because I know I had a better life growing up than a lot of people. I grew up living in a comfortable home with both of my parents, was able to do things like travel, received a great education, etc. Neither of my parents ever neglected me, or ever mistreated me physically. My question lies more in terms of the way my mother has treated me emotionally.

My mother has always acted rather controlling towards me. It has always been her way "or the highway," which is something that still remains despite the fact that I am an adult. She has always asserted that she is the only one who knows how to do things "right" - she essentially tells me what decisions I should be making, what career I should have pursued, and how I should live my life. Anything outside of a decision she would make is wrong to her, and she makes sure to express that by berating me and refusing to give me any credit for any of the positive decisions I have made without her help. If we disagree over a decision I have made (or really anything), she does everything in her power to completely ignore me and shut me out. She refuses to work out anything like an adult, and makes sure to tell me every time that by disagreeing I am being ungrateful towards everything she has ever done for me. Every nice thing I have ever done immediately goes out the window and is denied. If I ask her to please sit down and talk to me, even to just give me 60 seconds of her time to listen, she will flat out refuse to hear me out, stating "this isn't a democracy," and "sorry I'm not love-dovey, let's work things out with a talking stick." She will walk out in the middle of me speaking, and do everything in her power to suppress what I have to say. If she says something out of line, she refuses to apologize. In fact, I have never heard her utter the words "I am sorry." The blame for everything automatically goes to me.

I have spent much of my life trying to avoid angering her and win her approval, and yet it is still met by complete disapproval of me whenever I am not acting like an extension of herself. She is frequently in a bad mood to begin with, and will lash out at me or my father without provocation, and rationalizes this by saying she is stressed out at work, etc. and has a right to do this. She used to blame me for wasting her time when attending any school functions of mine (E.g. One night at a middle school chorus concert, she made sure to tell me how I made her miss her favorite episode of Seinfeld by making her attend.) Showing affection is a chore for her, she trash talks my father behind his back, and she puts down other members of the family and makes fun of them whenever they make a decision on their own. She also complains any time she has to see family members (holidays are nightmarishly filled with arguments and made miserable, and visiting my grandparents is riddled with blaming them for being too needy - of course, she hides this very well from everyone in the family except me). She does everything in her power to squash any amount of independence I try to gain, and makes sure to let me know that I wouldn't "survive without her" (e.g. "You never would have gotten a car if I didn't help you.") She won't actually teach me how to do important things as an adult that I have yet to learn; instead she demands to do it for me. I honestly haven't even made the move out of my house yet because I am so used to having to seek her assistance and approval.

I almost feel horrible for complaining about this, because again, it is not that my mom hasn't done nice things for me - she is nice to me when I am making decisions in line with her own opinions. I can't deny that she hasn't helped me out tremendously. However, each time she helps me or does something nice for me ends up on a future list to guilt me and make me feel like I owe her my life. Even when things blow over and she reverts to acting nicely, I constantly feel on edge, wondering when the next time things will implode. My self-confidence is at an all time low, I just recently starting being treated for anxiety with medication, and I am having an increasingly hard time dealing with this. Revealing anxiety or depression or anything of the sort is considered a "weakness" in my family and gets no sympathy. Is this a common family dynamic, or does this read as dysfunctional?

Thanks for your help. If I do come across as whining about something unimportant, please again accept my apologies. That is not my intention. Just not sure who to talk to this about, or where to talk about it.

[BLUEDOVE]

Jesus,she has castrated you! She is a 24crt control freak!
And people like that are hugely insecure,that's why they have to
control. Your Kow-Towing only encourages her to control you
even more. Copy the following down: "You get the behavior from people that you are willing to put up with without protest:
YOUR SILENCE IS CONSENT!" You are collaborating in
your own abuse--yes she is abusing you! And YES it IS
EXTREMELY DYSFUNCTIONAL. She is probably doing to
you,what was done to her. Oh,a small point: bullies are ALWAYS COWARDS. Get some books on self-esteem and
assertiveness . . .you deserve better,but it takes courage.
Respectfully,
BLUEDOVE

[nicoleflynn]

Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is an excellent resource.

She is a controller a blamer and shamer. You are an adult and need to make your own life and decisions.

Unless you take steps to be independent, you will remain miserable and stuck for the rest of your life....First step I would suggest is getting counseling....and read the book I mentioned; living in limbo is the worst place to be. She is a narcissist...the whole world revolves around her, and others are just her "pawns" to control. She is a miserable person. Mentally healthy people have no need to disrespect, abuse or control others.

She is excruciatingly insecure, and the first time (after learning good boundaries) that you assert your wants/needs, etc, be sure she will be abusive; that is what happens when the person being abused finally stands up and takes control of their life.

I left home and joined the army at 18 to get away from my mother ; best decision I ever made. Your first step should be finding your own place.......she is afraid of you leaving and if she can control you, you will never leave and she will be free to control you forever.

You will never win her approval, so you must begin to be an adult and make your own decisions.

A child should never have to pay for their parents obligations and responsibilities to them with their minds, bodies and souls!

Be it verbal, emotional, physical or sexual, ANY parent who abuses their child in such a manner is no longer deserving of their presence!

Take it from someone who's been there! The sooner you get away from this toxic woman and start your healing & recovery process the better off you'll be!

I didn't escape until I was 33.5 years of age!

Hope you make your get away sooner!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[atam90]

Thanks for the fast replies, everyone.

To be fair, I have taken some steps in favor of my own independence. I certainly don't follow my mother's ever whim simply because she wants me to. I am slowly building my own life separate from hers, as best as I can at least given the situation. I have even called her out on her behavior when she tries to avoid talking to me and puts up a brick wall. However, even when I do this she still continues to shut down and divert the conversation elsewhere, or skips right to calling me ungrateful and all sorts of things. Her favorite thing to say is, "If you don't like how I am, then fine. Take me or leave me," and then she refuses to say anymore. Talking to her is completely futile in these instances, which is why I now realize that I don't think any amount of persuasion will make her change.

The other problem I have is that when issues blow over, she goes back to being "nice" and then I start to doubt that there is anything wrong at all. She is very convincing in guilting me because of all of the positive things she has done to help me. I always thought someone that was emotionally or verbally abusive couldn't possibly be so nice at times. However, something else inevitably ends up occurring and the cycle repeats. The nice things she has done for me ends up being ammunition.

At this point, I am finally starting to look around for an apartment to see if I can get myself out of my house. As a graduate student without a full-time salary due to the structure of my program, getting an apartment to lease to me is the main challenge that stands in my way. I am luckily attending school on a hefty stipend that would certainly cover a lease somewhere, but in my state it is still hard to get an apartment leased to you without proof of a job or a guarantor (and asking my mom to be a guarantor is something I really don't want to consider, because even if she doesn't try to prevent me from moving out, it will still end up being ammunition against me in the future).

Anyway, thanks again for the help. Trying my best to make changes; I just wish it were easier. I didn't even fully realize that something might be wrong until recently, otherwise I may have done things differently in the past.

[nicoleflynn]

She is behaving like a child/spoiled brat. We ignore that behavior. you cannot rationalize with someone like that. Change is never easy, but it IS necessary.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is the book that saved my life.....Boundaries by Townsend, Cloud...also excellent resource....

Abusers go back and forth with the abuse/nice cycle; that is typical; that is what keeps you "hooked" on the relationship...hoping that maybe she will change.

She can't "guilt" you if you refuse to accept what does not belong to you. Knowing the difference between OUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a big key in being mentally healthy.

What helps is to stop communicating anything about your feelings, or anything of importance, because it wil be used against you. Stop calling her on her behavior; it won't change, and you are wasting your breath

What you CAN do (good boundaries) is to simply state that you will not have a conversation with her if she CHOOSES to be disrespectful. She of course, will want to argue/deny with you. Leave the room/house or hang up the phone.

You can't stop her abuse but you CAN and SHOULD let her know you won't stick around to be subjected to it.