Was this sexual abuse? Possible trigger warning.

I feel like I'm going to throw up. I had a secret that I planned to take to my grave. How when I was 14-16, my mom would get very drunk and she would lock me in her room. Most times, she would just yell at me and pretty much break me down until I was just a crying ball as far on the other side of the room as I could get. At 14, she found out I was cutting myself. Some times she refused to let me put my pants back on. Do you think that's sexual abuse? I always wondered but never let myself know. I didn't want to know if it was. I always felt like it was but I denied it. My ex told me that's sexual abuse. That she's technically a child molester for that. I'm trying to hold my denial in place, the only thing that's kept me from feeling anything... Do you consider it sexual abuse? To force your daughter to strip while degrading and breaking her down and then refusing to let her cover up or get dressed until she was done yelling? How she would wedge a butcher knife in the door frame so I couldn't open the door because she would take off the handle and you would hurt your hand trying to pull it out without the handle.. That's when she would make me take off my pants when I was locked in her room. I moved out of my house the day I turned 17. I'll be 24 in November and I just moved back home a few weeks ago. I never thought I would tell anyone that story. But I told my ex. He is so upset right now. He said that it was straight up child molestation.. If she never touched me, is that true? Is one of my worst fears and hugest denials really true?

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However the subcategory of abuse is used to define this - the bottom line will forever remain - it was abuse, full stop. Her intent was to utterly humiliate you and she had no right what so ever to ever do that to you. The impact, that this has had on you, is huge. And I'm sorry that you ever had to go through this in the first place. There is absolutely utterly no excuse what so ever for your mother's behaviour. It is not warranted. It is not justified.

I'm glad your boyfriend is supporting you. He sounds like he cares for you greatly. My wish for you is that this relationship with your boyfriend will be your strength going forward. You deserve inner peace. You deserve a life full of happiness. For you to have made it this far despite the degrading things that your mother did to you, I take my hat off to you and admire you for your resilience.

I agree with Hooligan that its abuse regardless of the sub-label.

I would hope that she didn't become sexually aroused by forcing you to remove your pants. To her it was probably a quick way to humiliate you. Nor was it uncommon during my generation. The most used punishment for playing doctor (were I lived) was to make a kid walk around the block in their underwear. Regardless we classify sexual harrasment as any form of unwanted verbal, non-verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature occurs, with the purpose or effect of violating the dignity of a person, in particular when creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment. So i would say that yes it was sexual abuse although your mother will undoubtedly not see it that way.

With the way that you stated your previous situation I would move again ASAP. There is little hope that she will change and you may face the same abuse again. And please keep your boyfriend up to date with anything going on in that house.

Wishing you the best of luck

He's my ex. He broke up with me not even a week ago but we're still talking. That's why I had to move home though. I'm on SSI and there's no way I can even move into the cheapest efficiency here and be able to have any money left over for anything but rent and utilities. I have no one to live with. So I'm stuck back at home until.. I don't know. It's so stressful here. I've lost 6lbs just this week because I lock myself in my room and I don't go out of it. I'm not social. My current diagnosis are schizoaffective disorder and panic disorder.

I told my mom the other day I was going to move and she told me if I tried, she would take me to court to get custody over me so I couldn't leave. She called adult cps on my ex and said I was being abused. That's was the final straw from my family that caused him to break up with me.

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Ah sorry, I have working memory problems, I re read it now - gotcha, I see that he's your ex (sorry I didn't process that the first time).

It's a pity that that was the reason behind you having to move home, after having been gone, it probably gave you a bit more of a perspective on what was happening and now you're confronted with the memories all over again being back home.

I know that right now you can't move out of home due to circumstance. But you just don't know, 6 months from now .. different job, different income, time will tell. Because I can fully understand just how stressful it must be now that you're back there. And having the disorders doesn't make the living arrangements easy.

Hmmm. Now I'm not sure why your mother would be threatening to take you to court - it seems like a really unnecessary threat. I don't know, personally, what leg she would have to stand on, given what she did to you in your teenage years. Not much. I think that she's trying to emotionally blackmail you.

Because I reckon when you've got yourself settled finance wise, and if you prove that you are capable of living on your own - I don't think, even if she did take you to court, that she'd be ablet to have much leverage over you being there.

Overall it's not a nice situation that you're in

I'm on SSI. I can't keep a job. No one will keep me. Even though I feel like I'm trying 110%, I'm still too slow and not good enough for jobs to keep me. So I've been on SSI for the last 5 years. Even at max amount, I can't afford to move out. I have no car. No license. Nothing. The other night. I wanted to leave so badly that I considered going to a homeless shelter. Or living in a motel with all of my money going to that rent and hoping I can get food stamps to eat and that I have at least some money to buy basic necessities and my medications.

I feel like I'm so ready to give up. The sick feeling inside of me remembering those nights. Knowing I can't go anywhere. Knowing I have no one. My ex will talk to me but he refuses to see me or anything like that. I just don't know at this point.

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I can't believe I missed that he was your ex as well. If your family was the only reason for the break up you could ask if he would like to get back together on the condition of no contact with your family? For me it looks like a win/win if he will. Then again I've never had a close relationship with my families.

Perhaps an ad in the paper saying you are looking for roommates? However you do it I would get the hell out and fast.

Again I have to agree with Hoolagin that as far as I can tell she doesn't have a leg to stand on when it comes to forcing you to stay with her. In fact you may want to go to the local police station and file a complaint about the sexual abuse incidences if they were less then seven years ago (at least i believe the statute of limitations is seven years in the US) With allegations of sexual abuse on record there is no way that any judge in their right mind would force you to be placed with her.

If your on SSI you might also qualify for section 8 housing. Also try applying for food stamps I believe when I was on SSI I was eligible for $400 a month here in WI. There may also be a WIC equivalent down there in TX. There is also utility assistance to be applied for. I'm not sure what else perhaps someone else has some ideas?

Again I don't know of specifics but I have help others with down syndrome and other mental disabilities get part time jobs in places such as grocery markets bagging and in fast food wiping tables and cleaning.

Best wishes

I'm wondering what you can do to keep your mind busy at times when you really need to distract yourself because living there within itself could be one of the very things that might trigger you?

Are you able to watch good films on your computer (whatever device it is that you use to communicate on PsychCentral?)

The Games Forum on PsychCentral is quite good too (it's under the main category called - Distractions)

Music? Do you have good music? Songs can help distract us and change our moods.

Motivational videos? There are sooooo many on YouTube. If you go to YouTube and simply type "Motivational Video" - hundreds will pop up. Usually one of the more popular ones will show first - I'd recommend watching ones with over 1M viewers