False memory??

I have these pictures in my mind of an Uncle whom I heard about as I was growing up exposing hiimself to young boys.

When I use to drink I use to tell people he abused me. Eventually I told T about this and said I don't believe it to be real and I used it as a way to get "love".

T said we need to keep an open mind about whether it was true or not. The pictures in my mind then moved on to my brother being the one abused and I an onlooker. T said this fits more with what I know about him, my uncle, exposing himself to young boys.

The thing is yesterday a man in a chat room I was in said his daughter had accused him of molesting her and it was a lie. He said she was such a victim and needed to get on with her life.

Man did I go for his throat. I used the *C* word everything. Today my mind wandered back to memorys of this celler of my uncles that has played a bit part of my childhood memorys and it was just me and him, a wooden chair, white walls, a fridge, and wooden staircase.

T asked me I felt this guy yesterday had molested his daughter? I said No I didn't think so. Then she said but my mind then went to the "cellar" and the thinking that I didnt think anything really happened there either.

I said but this guy wouldn't tell peoplel about his daughters allegations if he had done it. T said if he didn't feel guilty he may talk about it.

She said from where she's sitting she cannot say whether anything happened to me regarding this memory or not, but I am looking at it as if it certainly didnt happen. When she said that I ask myself the question "it did happen?" and I just can't even comprehend the answer to that being yes!

I know for sure some other stuff that DID happen to me but this memory and this uncle, I just can't solve it.

But then the evidence is there, this guy yesterday really triggered me, straight away my thoughts go back to the "cellar" stuff. But if its all made up wouldnt it just go away?

Does anyone else have a similar experience????

Thank you for sharing this. I have the same dilema, when I was very young I went to a day home in my neighborhood, I was always the last kid there because of my moms work hours. My caregivers husband used to come home after work and hang out with me, I remember really liking him and getting along so well. We used to watch a show together on t.v. and eat the same snack every day. This is a really rare memory for me becuase I lost my mother about 4 years later and I have barely any memory of my life before then. Later my dad asked me if he had ever done anything weird to me or had touched me innapropriately. I can't say yes or no becuase I had a lot of fears about being intimate with anyone. I waited to be with the man im going to marry before i did anything beyond kissing. i just had this feeling that a man would over power me and want to hurt me, i dont know where that feeling came from. i also have noticed that im afraid of some men and i dont want them to come near me socialy even, they all happen to be the same build and age as the man in question. i also remember feeling sexual feeling when i was to young to understand it. it can be so frustrating trying to find the truth in all of this!

Leisel, As the afternoon wears on, I'm am becoming more and more aware of the belief T is willing to give to my thoughts and fears. I think I've spent yrs and yrs keeping myself quite! even my si is a secretive attempt to keep everything quite. I ingest stuff that keeps all memorys away. I walk around smiling because people on the outside are not aware of this stuff going on so deep inside, the swallowing of stuff no one can see, I can't be found out. I need to give myself as much chance at believing whoever holds these things as T does. I've got to learn to believe myself, trust myself, listen to myself. Whether it turns out to be false or not, I guess theres a reason for every thought, false or not.

I thought it was interesting you don't believe the man coud have molested his daughter either or that he wouldn't talk about it (and that your uncle didn't you). I wonder if you can imagine a man molesting a girl relative at all? That the man in the chat room was doing the "bravado" thing, calling his daughter "names" instead of feeling any sort of concern for her, that would make me angry. Just going by my father, if I'd ever accused him of molesting me, he would have been "puzzled" and hurt, etc. rather than trash me I think. But I can't imagine my father being the "type" to ever even think of molesting me? His character wasn't like that. I have one brother I know would think of it (but never did/would do it).

How about this uncle, what other things do you think about him? What sort of "character" do you recall? Did you do anything out of the cellar, were you "afraid" of him at all and try to stay out of his way or avoid him?

I felt very scared of him. Would move out of a chair if he sat near me. I remember asking my mum when a teenager if I could stay with my aunt, his wife because I adored her but my mum said no and many yrs later explained why she had said no, it was because of what was Known about him.

He apparently had tickled my brother in an unappropriate way and was repremanded for that by my parents. I have a vague memory of sleeping in their bed, then nothing, then standing alone sticking objects up my nose. I'm sure all of this is because of what I learnt as I got older, but T says where would I have learnt to be afraid of him? I said children do sense things in people, but T didn't seem to accept that solution.

I do not believe that I would not remember something terrible happening. I am convinced I would know! and anything beyond my knowing is just false.

I think sometimes you and know and not know at the same times. Images in your mind that are familiar but new to consciousness. Sometimes I would think about it and tell myself that I'm a liar. I made it up. I'm so horrible. My childhood though had all the signs both physical, emotional, and pyschological. I now too have the signs but to me that could be explained by other things. I also think the knowing but not knowing struggle for me was resolved by the overwhelming signs from my childhood. I wont go into detail but you can pm me. I looked at that, and the fact that I had gotten to a point where I wanted to believe it didnt, but got sad inside when I tried to prove it didnt.

I totally believe it is possible to have a false memory.. but it also possible to think your memory is false when its true. Sorting out which situation we fall in is more confusing. Things my T asked me to help is:
- How would you feel if it was true?
-Is it okay to not have 'evidence'?
-If it wasn't true, why do you believe it keeps coming up?

mouse, I posted a similar thread about March- VERY similar! For me I have had a memory since I was 6 of a particular incident, and approx 1 1/2hrs is like a video tape in my brain; I can remember pretty much every single detail except for a crucial 15mins or so in the middle... it could be completely innocent or it could be the opposite. I had sat down on the grass waiting for the school bus, gotten it dirty and went to my friends house to get some help (the bus-stop was at the bottom of their property). The crucial part I can't remember is going into my friends bedroom when 'he' got me a new dress to wear. I remember every single thing up til then, and going to school, arriving at school, even where some of the children were sitting and what was happening... My T is concerned that something has happened altho we are keeping an open mind- but WHY would I hold a memory from when I was 6 for so many, many years, and such a vivid memory at that. I sat down at the computer one day and just let my thoughts flow. I know that I actually filled in that 15min blank by writing down details, but I did it from both perspectives (innocent and not-so-innocent) so I am no closer to knowing. I even rang a hypnotherapist last night about regressive hypnotherapy but he refused to take me on because he doesn't like dealing in this sort of thing...
So I guess what I am saying is that unless you know for sure either way, or can can let it go (which I can't at all) you may be stuck wondering until you can prove it either way. NOT an ideal solution, and you may never know- that is what I fear the most. I just want some closure either way. I don't care what the truth is, I just want to KNOW the truth for now and deal with the rest later.
Good luck with this all, and if you want to PM me any time please do
irish

mouse,

I can relate to your feelings and your reactions. My best advice is to accept your feelings and not deny them or question whether they are real. That's the thing about feelings, they are real. The information you are remembering may be incomplete or distorted, but feelings about the hidden past can come out faster than complete memories. For many abused children, feelings are supressed along with the memories. This is why I would tell you to accept your feelings and instincts for what they are -- they could be trying to tell you something now that it is safe to do so. They may be distorted at first, but they will likely clear up over time. The man in the chat room seems to me to be a catalyst to bring more of your experiences and memories to the surface. It sounds like you reacted to him in defense of the child. In your psyche, that child could very well represent you when you were younger. In a way, you could have been defending your right to speak your truth just as much as you were defending hers -- without being told you must be making it up.

In my experience, for so many years, I had persistent memories of what was done to me as a child. I denied them every time they came up. "I must be making this up," I said again and again and again. And then the memories got more and more intense until I could no longer deny them, not to mention all the other signs. I knew so many things as a child that I could only have learned from abuse. I said and did things that matched the abuse. A cellar -- I was abused horrifically in a cellar. As an adult, I couldn't (and still can't) stand to be in a room with no windows (like that cellar), and that pale shade of gray on the walls would make me ill and afraid and want to run.

The amazing thing is, I volunteered for years -- thousands of hours -- working with abuse survivors, never admitting why it was so important to me to help them and never admitting why I could relate so well to them. Perhaps this sounds a bit like you standing up for that girl whose father you met in the chat room? You would have to look at your feelings to know the answer.

It is frustrating not to be able to bring all the memory up when you want to. Memories will return, but in my experience, being patient with it and allowing myself to heal along the way is important or I just keep shutting down and shoving the memories away again -- each time becoming more and more dysfunctional in my daily life. Memories and recovery from them unfold when people are ready. My advice to anyone in this process is to be gentle with yourself and know that you are courageous to even face any horrors of the past.

Hope this helps.

be well,

mtd

Thank you all for the imputs!

Mtd, Man your post kinda of scares me, not that you should not have posted but because somewhere inside i know exactly what you are saying!

All morning at work I heard an inner voice saying "shut up, shut up" it was my voice. When I try and think about it, try to remember it seems so distant, so unbelievable, but when I say to myself ok what if you were just the onlooker while "j" my brother was abused how does that feel? It feels more awful than if it were me. When I think of it being me it feels like I have more control over it, but when I think of it as my brother being abused I feel more panicky, less in control.

I'm gonna have to talk about this more in T, but I will start of by saying I still belief this to be all fantasy but for some reason it has planted itself in my mind in this way.

This is driving me mad! I want an answer. I looked up false memory syndrome and couldnt make a conclusive yes or no. Then I looked up attention seeking disorder and maybe thats it! maybe i've spent so much of my life as an attention seeker bordering on maunchesen that as I grow out of this I'm left with all the "lies" I've created???

ANyone have any thoughts on this??? Its like I've got no need to the attention I'd always felt screaming abuse would bring but I've programmed my mind now????

I believe that your feelings will reveal your truth, whether something happened to you or to someone else in your presence. It sounds like you are trying to get control over feelings and memories that are frightening. If you really crave information to get control over them, understand that the feelings and memories are probably being triggered -- like by the guy in the chat room. This is the time to take good care of yourself. Try expressing what is coming up by drawing it or journaling it. For me, closing my eyes and drawing on paper with a crayon helps the information come out. I use my non-dominant hand. Other times, writing quickly in a journal takes my defenses down and the truth comes out.

I would suggest staying away from the psych diagnoses. That's someone else's job and a lable won't take away the feelings. You don't have to hide from the past -- you can be safe for yourself in the present.

Remember, mouse, you are not alone. You have courage -- I can feel it in what you write. It's o.k. to breath, mouse. You're gonna be fine.

be well,

mtd