Abuse: Dating is Complicated.

I must explain a problem.

My job requires that I work on material from writers who send in blog posts.

So, today and yesterday, I was forced to work on blog posts with the topic of being single and dating for like 5 hours straight.

I haven't been on a date in nearly three years.
My heart is full of pain and I felt sick.

The last person I dated nearly raped me- he did everything else, dragged me across the floor, pushed me in the shower, took all of my clothes- tears, anger, crazyness.

I randomly started having the desire to date again after nearly three years and this desire is freaking me out.

Does anyone know how to make a transition back into dating after negative experiences?

I could care less about my emotions and/or feelings because I have pushed this issue down so far, it's like a "map" of roads of emotions and you'll just get lost because you won't know which emotion is which or why certain feelings are the way they are- my feelings have been pushed down so deep, I don't even care to focus on them because it would be too confusing and I have ignored it for almost three years, without ever having to think about it, and now, even at my workplace, this topic has been resurfacing. It's like I can't escape it. It's been randomly coming up in conversation, the normal videos I watch, somehow weave the topic of relationships into the theme or plot, and let me tell you, reading blogs about dating for 5 hours when this is a topic you normally ignore is a bit distressing, i really felt sick, i can't even escape this topic at my workplace!

A few months ago, I collapsed in my bathroom and began to weep. I was only on the floor for 5 seconds before telling myself to stand because a family member could walk in and see me. So, I got right up, wiped my face, and continued working in my room.

IT's so weird. I wish I could go back to that moment and finish burning out the sadness in my heart. I am like- what if those emotions to weep are still in me? who knows? Dating ughhh. complicated! for sure!

Hasn't your counselor helped address the issue of how to spot red flags, etc?

I'm so sorry you faced something so traumatic.

I think deep down you know that the fact that you've pushed your feelings and emotions so deep down and never addressed them, is in a way causing you problems. You cannot just push your feelings down. Much like the physical wound, if you don't do anything about it and don't take medicines, it will only get worse.

Addressing your negative feelings and emotional pain is scary. It opens floodgates of emotions that you really never learned to handle. But you should also know, the bravest way and the solution is to face your mind monsters, go through it and fight it, rather than closing your eyes, pretending it doesn't exist and walk around it.

What you fight, strengthens you and what you resist, persists.

Please consider seeing a therapist. It's not a luxury, it's a necessity. The sooner you address your emotions, the sooner you can heal. The more you ignore it, the more difficult it would get, to heal from it. Easier to uproot a plant than a tree.

A good place to start is by writing - in a notepad or blog or diary about your traumatic incident. Write about your feelings and emotions - one incident at a time. Let out all the emotions you've locked in past three years in a confusing map of emotions.

Why should you hide your feelings and emotions from your family? Crying is not weakness. Feeling scared is not weakness. Pushing your feelings down and pretending that nothing happened is. If you feel that your family can be emotionally supportive, then you should tell them and share you feelings with them.

It's also a good idea to take up self-defense classes or kickboxing, or something like that - not because to defend you in future - but because it increases your confidence and makes you feel powerful to handle any situation in life.

Also, there is an excellent self help book for healing from traumatic incident - The Body keeps score - by Bessel van der Kolk. do read it if you can, its very well rated. You can read the first few pages for free in google books.

As you heal, you would also, slowly, gain the trust to date again.

All my love.