[blackout5]

I’m finally glad to have found a form to talk to others who have similar problem to me. A place to discuss what is wrong with me. So to give a brief view of the hell I live every day, we must start from the beginning.

Note there will be some profanity and some shocking things that will say that if I don’t, you won’t understand how messed up I am mentally.

September 26 2001 I lost my father to a rare form of cancer with a 90% morality rate. I didn’t understand very much and I haven’t had any trauma from that, but my mother, not only took it very hard, became a severe drunk and abusive parent. I wasn’t abused as much physically as I was mentally and emotionally. I was never diagnosed with ADHD, but I know I had it, I showed the signs and the symptoms, and my drunken mother punished me for being something I couldn’t control. I was taken out of school early 4th grade year because my behavior made one of my teacher’s want me put on drugs. This is when the abuse was at its highest. From 4th – 8th grade I was homeschooled in hell. Almost every day my mother would get drunk and corner me in the bathroom till 2-3am screaming in my face asking me why I did what I did and when I answered as truthfully as possible I was met with a drunken back hand, slap, punch, or other strike, a face grab, choke hold, choke slam, or shove into the bath tub. All because I acted out for reasons I don’t remember and still don’t remember. I never said anything to child protective services because my mother told me the horror stories of foster care and boys homes, effectively turning me into her personal abuse bag.
I don’t remember the day I first ran away but I remember why. 7th grade year my mother bought a very expensive and very buggy homeschool computer program to homeschool me with. This was the buggiest program I have ever used, and of course my mother didn’t believe me when I said I was giving the right answers yet the program said I was wrong. After another night of getting my usual beating and screaming for “lying about everything” my mother proceeds to scream at me “I’m gonna beat your *** when I get out of the shower, then I’m gonna take that ****ing test, and when I complete it I’m gonna kick your *** again”, that’s when I took off. I suffered a long cold night in 20 degree weather before police found me at 3 am. I was scared of saying what my mom did to me I came up with some bs, and they took me back. Of course after the police left I got my *** beat again, this time my mom slammed me against the wall so hard I went through it, and then again into the kitchen counter, back into the bathroom tub, and again for another all night torture session.
August 2008 I entered high school. Baldwin Middle Senior High School. A school full of the most vile, incestuous, heinous, redneck, southern dicks I have ever met,

Possible trigger:

and I was bullied to the brink of suicide and the point of shooting up the school.

Now I have nothing against anyone from the south, but these kids… these kids were something else Any thing you’ve seen on tv regarding bullying happened to me: Tabaco spit on me, head shoved into **** filled toilets, **** knocked out of my hands walking down the hallway, everything from my backpack, school books, my lunch money, yugioh cards, stolen. I had my shirt ripped off me one time and thrown on the roof. People paid other people to fight me, people would get into groups and blame **** on me that I didn’t do and with 10 people saying they seen me do it, the dumbass administrators followed what they said. My first 6 months of 9th grade consisted of a fight on the bus because I accidentally tool someone’s seat, a near sexual harassment charge that was fake, 2 kids paid to fight me. Why all this ********, because I was different, I didn’t have any social skills, hell I was never allowed outside while I was being home schooled cause mother dear had me grounded cause a) I was struggling with math problems or the one time in a 6 month period I was let out I accidently said damn it and suddenly I’m grounded another 6 months, no outside contact period. I got into at least 20+ fights, all of which I got my *** beat for no reason other than people wanted to watch me suffer. This continued till my 11th grade year. My mother never did anything to try to stop it, and school administration just seen me always as the instigator of everything even though I was not.
April 8th 2011 all I remember that day was this asshole was picking on us, this group of kids that played yugioh and magic. At my breaking point I stood up for my group and confronted him, and this time I threw the first punch, which is something I usually never do. Turns out this kid is good at MMA, and I later awake in the hospital concussed. After getting out the hospital and returning to the school to receive my suspension I thought I heard someone talking about me, I chose to ignore it. I returned on the 12th, a Tuesday, to find out that someone was spreading rumors about me molesting a 6th grader in the gym locker rooms. This broke my mental state and this was I’d say the first time I had a mental break down that wasn’t caused my mother. And this time was out for blood. After asking around all innocently and narrowing it down I found out who it was, I confronted him on the bus, multiple people defended him as he calls his other to pick him up from the bus stop. We get there I confront his mother who tells me that she’s gonna have me jailed for threatening to kick her sons ***. Me being pussified by my mother was unable to stand up for myself and cuss the ***** out, got cussed out in front of everyone that lives in my neighborhood, a good 30 kids. The next day I go to school I basically got **** on by everyone.

Possible trigger:

Afterschool I pull one of my good friends to the side and ask he do a favor. He does the favor for me in exchange all he asks is for a fair warning. That evening rode my bike to the drop off location and picked up my package. Consisting of a basic level 1 body armor, a Glock 18, and 4 30 round extended magazines. Now I’m not gonna go into discussion of how he acquired these items, cause even I don’t know how he did, all I know is he had a hook up for illegal **** and he was one of the guys I hung out with for protection from the seriously ****ed up bullies. The next day I went to school ready to commit probably what would have been the largest school shooting in history. I knew where everyone was, and I had it all planned out. I don’t know what stopped me. But I couldn’t actually bring myself to do it.

Next day I told my mom what happened and only then did she begin to realize what was happening and how severe it was. She drove me out to the river where I

Possible trigger:

tossed the gun, ammo, and vest, out into our local river.

It was after that my bullying abruptly stopped, a few kids that bullied me really hard were never seen at the school again.
After I got out of high school I didn’t find a job till around March 2013 at the Wendy’s 15 min down the road on bike. It was a fine job till certain people found out I was working there, and those certain people made my work life hell, putting bad fake reviews of me online, purposely acting like assholes, calling me out from behind the counter. Then the coup-de-gra that was more less I brought on myself. I made friends with my assistant manager, and one day at work he was boasting how good he was at call of duty. Of course me, I was almost professional at the time so of course I loved putting down trash talkers. And I did. My manager took it hard considering I wiped the floor with him, and he rage quit, in front of a few coworkers. The next2 weeks I worked with him he tried his best to make work life hell for me. He intimidated me, messed with me while I was working, scared me a lot (after being hit by my mother so much I flinch at anything), and his best work was sending everyone but himself and I to break when we had a massive rush, because he was so good at everything at work and I wasn’t, I was forced to work in an extremely stressful environment with one mistake was gonna lead to termination, because of all the fake bad reviews. The last 3 days I worked with him he tried his hardest to make me crack, and he did twice, once after I ****ed up after the bag containing chili broke open over someone’s car, he called me out in front of an overly packed restaurant, the second time I cracked he scared me, I slipped and fell with a rack of buns pickles and tomatoes and it went everywhere. Many customers seen and I promptly quit on the spot.
Than was June 2013. After my mother and step dad didn’t believe me (as usual I mean who does) my arguments got so bad I left and hung out with my friends all summer. This is where my drug binge started, and by the time august rolled around we became bitter with living with one another, I promptly left and returned home. By the time this happed I had tried every drug available on the street, and had the common sense and the want to only smoke weed, which I had started around January with edibles. I returned home to choose a career in the United States Navy. I was inducted into a delayed entry program in October, a few days after my birthday, and stayed in till July 8th 2014. From October 2013- April 2014 I smoked every 2 weeks just to make sure I was clean for my next monthly meeting it was around this time I because mentally addicted to weed, and after having to abstain I realized how bad I needed it so survive. Weed became a crutch that I needed to survive.
I lasted 3 days in boot camp. I took my recruiters advice and took up Master at Arms position, which was like recruit petty officer, in which I took all the **** my shipmates ****ed up on; they ****ed up a lot. In 3 days my shipmates broke me after not sleeping or eating for, while getting screamed at harder than my mom ever did. The third day I went to one of the petty officers and told him I was gonna jump out the 3 story barracks head first. I then spent a week in the mental hospital up the road. After that I spent 3 weeks in SEPS with the other rejects, who were in my opinion on par with some of the people I went to school with. I had 2 mini break downs both were because my shipmates refused to quiet down during taps. I got out July 29th 2014.
I returned home and found a job at Walmart at the end of October. My job was fine until met my ex whom we both worked outside pushing carts. I had a co-worker who was (dare I say it) a racist bastard. Andi dealt with his **** for a good month. And he was only a **** to me and the other 2 white co-workers, both of whom were disabled. He also liked flirting with my ex, and my ex told me that nothing was going on and they were just friends. On December 12th2014 my I had a REALLY bad day, and posted a rant to my fb. Well it included my racist co-worker, whom I called him a douchbag among other things, I didn’t say anything racist, but when my ex seen it, she showed it to my co-worker, who aggressively confronted me and started spewing hatred and racist comments towards me. I proceeded to breakdown and let loose how I felt about him and I threw my hatred that I kept bottled up at him. Cops came in to break us up and of all things drew their guns on us. I was told to leave the premises and never return.

Fast forward to the end of January 2015 my parents tell me I need to find a place and get out. Thankfully my current roommate got me out and away from my parents. But I just got out of one hell and into another. My roommate and his mom fight about as much as my parents did. Their grandmother has Dementia and Alzheimer’s and living with her is enough of a mental toll of its own. Since Feburary my mental health has been getting worse and worse, only saving grace has been weed, which I only get sporadically, and it’s just enough to keep me going about a week at a time. But now I got to quit to try to get a job so I can get health insurance, so I can figure out what’s wrong with me, but I can’t get a job because I’m so messed up, and the only thing that keeps me sane is weed, and can’t smoke cause I can’t find a job that doesn’t drug test. I’m currently in a hellish cycle that I can’t get out of. I can’t stop smoking otherwise my health begins to drop off. Hell I actually got a call for a security job, but since my body relies on weed so much I didn’t have time to detox my body and I failed the drug test a week ago, I had a breakdown then, I had one a few days ago, and today as I type this, on 7/20/15 at 11:20 I blacked out and had my worse one yet.
Today I blacked out and woke up uncontrollably crying, being held down by my roommate, and as I looked up there are 2 holes in the wall. One the size of my head, the other my elbow. The room was a mess, and from what my roommate said, I went from uncontrollable extreme anger, to uncontrollable psychotic laughter, to uncontrollable crying, in which I awoke to the fact I couldn’t breathe cause I was face down in the bed crying. This black out is also the 5th time vie blacked out in a 3 month period, 1st time was minor I ended up from my bed to the bathroom and I didn’t understand how it happened, 2nd time I blacked out I lost my phone, 3rd time I got angry and smashed my Xbox, 4th I got into an argument with my mom after having near death experience with dehydration, and my mom didn’t want to hear it, I got so mad I smashed my second phone( that was also the last time I talked to her), and 5th was this morning.
Now that you know my life lets move on to what mentally wrong with me. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything yet, but through self-observation and peer observation this is what I have:
PTSD I know for a fact. I flinch at anything that moves, bugs, people, and sudden movement. I suffer from flashbacks almost on a daily basis, sometimes my dreams are flash backs themselves, and sometimes i dream im back in boot camp, or highschool, or back at home, but its not bad. Its also these flashbacks and night terrors ive had that’s pushed my pursuit to master lucid dreaming, which believe I have, though there are times I don’t try to control my dreams, and id rather the dream run its course. I also exhibit other signs such as angry uncontrollable out bursts and just feeling emotionally numb. There are some places I can’t go and there are songs I can’t listen to otherwise it causes very bad, almost paralyzing flashbacks.
Depression. I have not been legitimately happy for a while. Unless it was drug induced. My depression has dropped me into the suicidal state, and vie attempted suicide at least 7 times. I also don’t eat, ever. There are days I won’t eat period, and considering I used to eat all the time my body hates me every day, and when I do eat its painful on my stomach.
OCD Trichomania. I have had this for as long as I can remember. Since I was 7 years old and any attempts to stop it have failed. This is another thing I was punished for as a child. I got beat multiple times, hell my mother even made me pull every strand of hair out of my body, I honestly think that only made it worse.
Blackouts and mental collapses, as I’ve explained above, and they only get worse every day.
Insomnia. There are nights I don’t sleep at all cause of flashbacks, nights I’ll stay up till 6am withering away trying to sleep and when I do finally sleep I wake up at 2 in the afternoon. Which is bad when you’re trying to find jobs.
ADD/ADHD. I’d say as a child I had ADHD, which as I grew older lost the Hand just became ADD. I cannot concentrate and I’m always jumping from one thing to another, and I am easily distracted.
So yea that’s where I am now. Stuck in hell in an endless cycle of not being able to find a job, with no mental help, on the verge of probably a worse breakdown coming up. I just need others to talk to. Thank you for listening.

[ensconce]

Wow all of that sounds rough. I was also a victim of bullying and I get flashbacks because of that sometimes too. I was also abused, drunk mother and some other stuff that haunts me. You came to the right forum we are all here to help each other out.

[Yoda]

I have been abused too. The details vary but I relate to a lot of what you said.

It is 3am now so writing a coherent post is difficult but I hope you find support here at PC. PM me anytime. Check out the ptsd forums.

Welcome to PC.