Greetings all. If this post ends up being long, I'm sorry in advance.

Here's what I'm willing to share: I'm a male in his mid 20s who suffered severe emotional abuse and neglect by a highly Narcissistic mother. My mother would do things like manipulate the mental health system by convincing them to put me on a 8+ different medications over minor behavioral issues and use psychiatric wards to control me by locking me up when I didn't bend to her will. She would also tell me how I would never amount to anything and I would always need her for support and would restrict me from playing outside and making friends like a normal kid.

I spent the vast majority of my childhood locked up. As shameful as it is to admit, I frequently cried myself to sleep because I was so lonely and desperate for love.

In addition, I never knew my biological father and didn't have any siblings, therefore, I had an extremely lonely childhood.

The trauma is effecting my life negatively to such an extreme that I have trouble holding a regular job and I can't keep a relationship for any more than a few months because I frequently manipulate and push women who try to get close to me away out of fear of letting them in, I have trouble being emotionally available for them because I struggle with empathizing with others, or I attract narcissistic and sociopathic women who use me further.

I'm emotionally detached and cold around other people. I have issues empathizing with people. I can act normal and I have decent social skills but rarely use them unless it benefits me in some major way. I've become selfish and uncaring not because I wish bad on other people but because I wish to keep people at a distance for self protection related reasons.

I live a reclusive lifestyle that mostly involved making a living off reselling things on the internet. I spend an average of 10 hours a day on the computer working, reading, and playing games. I leave at night to buy groceries to avoid people and I order anything that I need from Amazon when possible.

I don't feel like somebody like me could ever hope to be loved because the nice women will see how emotionally shallow I am and think that I'm a sociopath (it's happened before) and run away from me like a monster and the other not so nice women would form a relationship with me for their own selfish reasons.

I think the only way that somebody like me could ever have anything even remotely close to love and happiness is if I become wealthy and powerful so that people could idealize me and see me as the perfect partner. If women felt like they NEEDED me and there was something physical to keep them attracted to me rather than unreliable human emotions (such as money, contacts, or something else they wanted/needed), I could have the closed thing to love achievable for one of my kind.

[healingme4me]

Effects of childhood trauma can certainly distort the way one views the world. If determined that this is the only path, then perhaps trying to resolve how to maintain longevity in a career, to make the income necessary for this thought process is the key element?

[CopperStar]

Oooooor, you could work on your issues in therapy and become emotionally healthier. It would be a long, tough journey, but probably not as long and tough as becoming rich and powerful (and if you have emotional issues and are just using wealth and power to attract mates, you're likely to attract gold diggers, anyway).

It sounds like you've already made some progress in processing things. You have faced the reality that your childhood was very unhealthy and that you were abused. You have faced the reality that you have been negatively impacted by your childhood experiences, and that it has stayed with you into adulthood and is interfering with your life. Honestly just acknowledging such things is often a huge, rough step for a lot of people, so you have evidence of some psychological resilience going for you already.

[nicoleflynn]

Yes, therapy could be very valuable.

I've tried therapy. In the state that I live, unless you have top of the line insurance or $100-200 to spend on therapy sessions, good luck getting any decent help. I've tried some of the sliding scale therapists and public mental health centers and they either don't seem to have enough experience in dealing with people with my issues or they force me to take medication before they provide me with therapy which I refuse to do.

I'm just saving up my money so I can move out of state and start over in life. Once I move out of state I fully intend on starting regular therapy but I will only start that journey with somebody that really knows what they're doing.

There ARE ways to make money fast online but they involve black hat stuff which is shady and they don't provide anything meaningful to society but I'm starting not to care.

If I get desperate enough, I will become a test subject for medical research or science so I can make some solid cash while making myself useful.

Thanks for the kind words though guys!

[PrairieCat]

Doing something crooked? You can get caught by the law and go to jail. Or be a test subject? These things are just setting yourself up for further abuse - legally, medically or scientifically. Come on, you don't have to do something like that...

You have made it this far, come to this forum for help. Congratulate yourself on doing just that! I think you really want some good advice and some solid help. You can get it here and you can save your money and move and get healthier with counseling. I think you wouldn't be here if you didn't really want to do that.

Originally Posted by PrairieCat

Doing something crooked? You can get caught by the law and go to jail. Or be a test subject? These things are just setting yourself up for further abuse - legally, medically or scientifically. Come on, you don't have to do something like that...

You have made it this far, come to this forum for help. Congratulate yourself on doing just that! I think you really want some good advice and some solid help. You can get it here and you can save your money and move and get healthier with counseling. I think you wouldn't be here if you didn't really want to do that.

No no I'm not planning on doing anything illegal and if I was I wouldn't confess to it on the internet I'm talking more on the lines of shady things in the grey area that are legal but can make money fast in the short term such as running spam bots to rank web pages, running fake female Facebook profiles to bait men to click on advertisements that pay me money, making a porn site, or doing something similar. Look up Black Hat Internet Marketing or Black Hat SEO to know more.

Honestly, I'm done struggling and doing things the hard way. I have no desire or energy to work a regular 9-5 job when I can barely even hold one and continue to struggle or try to build my web business the old fashioned way and have to wait months or years to make a solid income off it. I want change and I want it NOW and will do anything or pay any price to get what I need. I'm ready to do things the easy way even if they might bring me more pain later down the road as long as they help my immediate needs.

I do want help but advice and talk isn't going to help me on it's own; only action will. If I died tomorrow nobody would give a damn so I need to do what I must to make people care about me. It's clear that nobody will ever care or want to help me unless I have money or can benefit them in some other way,

Also, I might have gotten into a clinical trial that pays me $1500 plus $10,000 over the next few years for being there for 4-5 days testing an experimental bone marrow transplantation method. I talk to the guy next week but I'm willing to endure some physical pain and some risks to get ahead.

Besides, I would take physical pain over emotional pain any day.