Re my recovering from childhood emotional neglect and emotional abuse

Oh, geeze, it is Sunday night again... I think that something bad happened to me. When I start to think about it and then start to talk out loud, I begin to stutter really badly. I have never, ever stuttered in my life! This is new. I've had four nightmares, one about an ex, two of my mother trying to kill me and one of my father and i walking into the living room and the room had exploded, no wall on the far end of it, then a creepy sound like aliens coming to get us - and one instance of screaming under my covers and now this.

I just don't really want to get into it but I know that i have to in order to figure out just what happened to me. I think I will also have to allow myself to do the screaming thing again. Oooh, so unpleasant. Has anyone else had anything like this come up? Stuttering? Or screaming? I realize those may be dumb questions but I gotta ask.

I was a little girl and was left all alone, my mother had to go somewhere in her car. I was told to work at the family business all by myself. This always terrified me. I was not ever taught how to wait on people. I was just told to DO IT. Many items did not even have prices on them. I just hated this and it scared me a lot. I would always go to behind the store and close the gates at each end of the store which were always left open. Why the hell were they even there in the first place? They had very mickey-mouse locks on them, hook and eye, which would not have stopped anyone. I would close them and lock them because I didn't want anyone out of my eyesight sneaking into the store behind me. The stuttering starts when I think of what the gates looked like, tall and made of white wood which my father had made. I can't go on from there. But I will, as soon as I can.

In the nightmare with my dad where our living room had exploded, I asked him to call the police. I had to ask him a second time and I said, "Please call the police" the second time. I then realized that I was the one who would have to call the police. I never felt safe as a child or teenager or adult, I think.

I should make it clear that my parents were severely workaholic parents. Their business seemed to be the most important thing in the world to them. My dad would get up from a Christmas dinner to wait on people if anyone drove up our driveway since the store was closed. So, even holiday dinners were not important is the only message their four kids could have gotten from that kind of behavior. I swear, we were NOT that poor!

When I was in my 30's, I drove four hours to visit my parents. I needed to tell them that I was divorcing my husband. They were both out at their store but not busy waiting on people. They couldn't even greet me nicely and talk to me. My dad had to make a crack about me helping them wait on people. There weren't even any people there at the time. It was not funny. I ran away from them crying. It was like the last straw. They never stopped. It was obsessive and compulsive workaholic-ISM and it was sick. They did not have a clue.

I never had a clue until this year.

I am 74 and only now that I am in therapy and working on all of this stuff do I feel somewhat safe. Not totally but almost. I feel that this is all so pitiful.

My parents had absolutely no emotional intelligence. They did dumb things like I related above. I think that if anything bad had happened to me, I would not have dared to tell them. Because that's how i was raised. I would like to think that all it was is that I was just scared witless as I was a very shy little girl and also big girl. But the stuttering - and the screaming - seems to tell me it was more than just being scared. I just hate this.

My T is on vacation for another week. She knows about all of the above. She thinks I am doing great and working hard at this.

Thanks for reading. If anything sounds familiar to you, please let me hear from you. Any feedback will be appreciated. How do I get to the point where I might know what it was? Please help.

I do relate to your post. It is a hard and healthy, healing path, keep going. There a lots of us here to listen.

be gentle with this tender part of yourself.

sincerely,
Jade

Thank you, Jade. Today I am feeling as if my parents smashed me to smithereens. Boy, that's an old term I haven't heard in a long time. Well, that is exactly how I feel. I am confined to bed but I have to go move my car because of a garage sale here tomorrow morning at my apt. complex. I am too messed up to even take part in that, have some things I need to sell. Well, there's always craigslist. Meanwhile, I am just confined to bed where I don't have to deal with anyone. My cats keep me company there.

Right now I also have other important things to deal with that involve lots of paperwork and money and straightening out things that need fixing, like getting a new email, getting my new credit card, buying some necessary items and more. All of these things seem so very complicated to me right now when I know that they really aren't, taken separately. But, oh, my God, they have all occurred at the same time!

I have lived my life as if I was smashed to smithereens. I see my T Monday AM. There is never enough time. I don't know how to get to a better place. I will take it more slowly and carefully.