[cur0]

For some context, I'm a female to male transgender person. I haven't transitioned physically yet because I'm a minor without parental consent. Anyway, in the past several months (I don't remember much before the beginning of this year) I've noticed my mother displaying strange behavior towards me that she doesn't seem to take seriously. She has slapped my *** a few times, once was while I was lying on her bed and we were having a conversation across the room, she walked past me and slapped me on my ***, her hand came very close to being inside my crack, she left it there for a moment (might have squeezed a bit? I can't remember clearly) before continuing to walk away. She did it again a month or so ago. The first time it made me extremely uncomfortable and I felt violated, couldn't stop thinking about it for weeks. I kept asking myself if my mother has perhaps molested me or if I was just overthinking something which only lasted a moment. The second time I felt uncomfortable but it didn't leave much of a lasting impression. Both times I was only wearing boxers on my lower body.
Then there was another occasion where my mother made a very graphic joke about me having sex with the person I like, one of my closest friends and favorite people, who also interacts with my mother often. (We give them a ride home everyday after school.) This person is a CSA victim and trusts my mother, calls her "mom" even. After my mother made the joke I again felt very violated and uncomfortable. She just laughed about it. I'm only 17, my friend is 18 but both of us are very small and young looking, people tend to confuse us for 12-14 year olds.

I'm just very confused by this lately. Is it normal behavior? I was abused as a child and my mother knows that being touched almost anywhere repulses me and makes me very uncomfortable or can even make me have meltdowns. I don't know if these things have happened more than I remember, I dissociate very frequently and have amnesia.
I would talk with her about these events but I know she either wouldn't remember, or not take me seriously and laugh it off or tell me I'm taking it too seriously. She did those things in reaction to my past abuse too, or really when I try to talk to her about anything serious that's bothering me.
Am I just being paranoid? I worry that my abuse as a child was also sexual, but I don't have any memories to confirm it. Could this be a manifestation of that worry? Sorry for talking so long, thanks for reading....

-Connor

I don't think what your mum is doing is funny or appropriate.

She should not be dismissing your past abuse either.

[starfruit504]

It sounds like she has a very poor boundaries when it comes to her children. It's not your fault. Everyone has a right to their personal space.

I know it seems paranoid, but you need to honor your feelings. They don't just come out of thin air. I can't remember everything that happened to me either, but I had a similar sick feeling about my father my whole life. Your dissociation is further evidence that sexual abuse occurred. I would take these issues to therapy, maybe talk to your school counselor about it. And be firm about your personal space boundaries. You're not a helpless child anymore and you don't have to put up with being touched.

[cur0]

Thank you, the affirmation really helps. <3