The Aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse

Hi all,
I'm new here and thank you in advance for any advice or support. I have been split from my narcissistic ex for 5 months now, and I am finding the rollercoaster ride to be really exhausting. I have been no contact for 3 months but am still finding it hard not to follow his new relationship on social media. I blocked him my phone, e-mail, as well as facebook this week. It's been a big step for me. Long story short, I found out he moved on to someone else after only 3 weeks of us being broken up. Finding out made me feel completely isolated and like I really never existed. They look blissful and happy together, and whereas I know that you can fake anything on social media, I suppose I keep watching to prove myself right. I keep hoping to wake up and see that this new woman of his has finally figured it out.

My ex and I were only together for four months, and it didn't take me long to figure out something was off. When I started questioning inconsistencies and flat out lies, that's when all hell broke loose. I was the one who left, but it has always felt like he left me first. I have read up on this disorder quite a bit and am in therapy and on medication. I feel better some days, but I hit these deep lows sometimes, and I am starting to feel like this emotional nightmare is never going to stop. It's also difficult to discuss this with friends, as no one who hasn't been here truly understands, no matter how hard they try. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep things in perspective? How do you finally get to the point where you stop believing the fake persona that the narcissist builds? How do you accept that happiness is not something that the narcissist is capable of? As my therapist and I have discussed, I understand these concepts intellectually, but I still am not there emotionally. I have good days where I can laugh at what a total nightmare he is, but I still find myself believing that I am the problem, and he can obviously make it work with someone else. All of this while still hating him and knowing I need him permanently out of my life. Sigh. I'm exhausted.

I have never reached the point of accepting the fact that they can not change, because that is bull.

Maybe 5 % of the population are truly without feelings or empathy. The rest of us are just not willing to put in the work.

You are not the problem. You never were the problem. The problem is that people go around in a selfish bubble. They do what suits them and never think about others.

Personally I am sorry they had inconsistent parenting. Join the club.I don't treat people like crap.

Sorry, I am in a mood.

Try to find someone else. That is all I can offer. I am sorry for your BF. Remember, he will never be happy because he is not willing to do the work. You can be happy and should be.

Soon your heart will catch up to what your head already knows: the longer you would have stayed with him, the worse it would be for you. Certainly, there are things you still love about him, but at what cost?

Hi mle1115, welcome to PC.

You were together only four months, luckily you recognized this individual was wrong for you and you were smart and ended it. Some people stay way too long, invest too much in a negative relationship only to have a much harder time once they finally break away.

Never accept any of the blame or that you were not good enough, that was never the case, infact you were good enough and you were smart and saw the signs and got away, so you are very smart. You are also smart not to follow him and don't be surprised at him finding another person so fast either.

Your heart is broken because you lost the "dream of", that is what you lost the most in this. But, he was never going to be capable of fulfilling your dream of a person worthy of your love and trust, a person who loved "you" for you because he is not the kind of person and if he is a narcissist, then he will not fill that "dream of" for anyone else either.

Now work on you, go work out, buy a couple of new outfits and meet new people and don't waste any more time on this individual, go find what you "dream of" instead.

((Supportive Hugs))
OE

Trust me -- she's in for the same terrible bs that you went through. If she's happy, she just hasn't seen the real him yet. Narcissists don't change just because they found a new toy.

He's not making it work with someone new -- he's manipulating her to charm her and reel her in and then the soul-sucking will begin. Narcissists love novelty and as soon as it wears off they begin emotionally abusing.

Don't beat yourself up for being curious. Anyone would be curious about this new development so soon after your breakup. And who's to say he didn't have this other woman on the backburner DURING your relationship. Don't trust a narcissist's timeline of historical events EVER.

Of course you feel like he's the one who left. Narcissists distort reality that way. They flip it around. The one doing something wrong is always you, never them, they're never done anything wrong in their life.

The perspective you need to take is: This is for the best. You got that monster out of your life. Emotional abusive people wreck lives and you got out with yours intact. You also stood up for yourself when you realized he was lying and that's wonderful. You affirmed your self worth and enforced your personal boundaries. That's brilliant work.

The one with a beautiful future here is YOU. There is genuine love, respect, altruism, authenticity available to people like you. That's not a part of a NPDs life. Their world is full of childish defense mechanisms and wholesale selfishness. They won't empathize and in a way that means they never really KNOW you as a person, they just know how you're useful to them. That's not someone you want to give your love to.

It's not that they CAN'T empathize - they just won't empathize. It's not a habit of theirs. They get by without empathizing with others.

Thanks for this. Both of these statements really helped me make sense out of things. I realized this weeks that part of my keeping tabs on his new relationship was to know when it fails because I'm scared of him coming back around again. I have read many stories about narcissists coming back after they discard their new supply, and I guess I wanted to be prepared. I am starting to realize that no amount of my following is going to change anything, though. It's all just a show anyway, and I'm sure plenty of it is to get back at me for daring to break up with him. I was the first person to do so, by the way. He was married for 11 years. I feel badly for his ex-wife and children. Who knows what they had to and still have to go through?

As far as empathy goes, it's actually much easier for me to comprehend not wanting to empathize vs. not having the ability. It's not more pleasant, but I can process it a lot more easily. Thank you for all of your kinds words and advice. It helps to be reminded that I'm not the crazy one sometimes. That is how the narcissist makes you feel...like everything that ever happens in the relationship is due to some shortcoming of yours, never theirs.

Hopefully he won't bother you seeing that you were not with him for very long. Usually, in my experience with them if their narcissistic ego is hurt/threatened somehow they can become vindictive and stalkish in that they want to find a way to get back at. They will even try to do it through other people. I got to know one pretty well and he was at times obsessed with needing to out do others or find ways to get back at them somehow.

You learned something from this person. We always learn something from everyone we meet in life.

Something I have noticed because I have dated a few Narcs- They seem to like women that are insecure and little lower in status.

So, there subsequent GFs are a little less pretty, a little less smart, a little less secure.

Because it makes them feel like they are better. Just my interpretation.

I saw this article and could not help but think of you mle1115, notice it actually says in the article "four months" as you have said your relationship lasted.

Why Do Narcissists Lose Popularity Over Time?*|*Scott Barry Kaufman

These individuals never get to know YOU. They have their typical wine and dine charisma, but they don't have the "depth and empathy" that keeps a relationship going long term.

When I said to you, you are only grieving "the dream of", that really is what this individual could never provide you with. It's important to recognize this when spending time dating a new individual that may have might just sweep you off your feet, but may not have any more depth then that first burst of excitement. Many women think it must be their fault, a mistake because the reality is these individuals really never saw "you", but instead were simply looking for yet another individual to praise "them".

This is really interesting. I actually didn't see where it said "four months" but the 3 week time frame really stuck out to me. What was the four months in reference to? Three weeks is when I first started realizing something was off, and when I first started questioning him about it. He didn't like that at all. The deeper I dug over time, the more horrified I became. I actually ended up severely ill by the end of our relationship, and my therapist thinks it was largely a result of the anxiety I was experiencing from the relationship.

I also found the "self sabotage" part really interesting. I told him literally those exact same words several times. I kept telling him he was self-sabotaging by purposely putting things in the way of our being closer. I could go on forever about that. Let's just say the final straw was him changing his custody agreement so that he had his kids all week every week instead of every other week. He initially claimed it was his ex-wife's idea. It came out later that he had come up with it so he could give them "more consistency at home with their homework." Another control tactic. He claimed this change "didn't affect me at all." We lived an hour away from each other and only saw each other when he didn't have his kids. I had just met them, and when I told him I would change my work schedule to come spend one night a week helping with the kids' homework and whatever else he needed, he told me it "wasn't what he had asked for." He had asked for me to stop arguing with him. Of course. How dare I question his decision making abilities? He also refused to cut back on work on extra work he had taken over the weekends to so we could spend more time together even though he claimed that work paid for our vacations and going out to dinner. I told him I didn't need that and would much rather us have more quality time together. It didn't matter. My asking him to do anything to accommodate me and my needs was out of the question.

It became very clear to me at that point that nothing I did was ever going to be good enough, even though I had offered him everything he "claimed" he wanted. I bailed about a week after that, even though I actually had already changed my work schedule to help with his kids. Even in the several conversations we had post-breakup, he still refused to believe he would ever self-sabotage our relationship while at the same time claiming that he was "terrible at relationships." So confusing. You never know who the real person is that you're talking to.

Anyway, thanks for this article and the thought! The timelines were particularly interesting to me, as they synced up so clearly to my own.

Yeah, that seems to be the case here. This woman appears to be about middle aged and attractive, but she is CONSTANTLY posting pictures of she and my ex together and writing 5 paragraph essays about how happy they are with little hearts next to it. *vomit* First of all, it strikes me as pretty immature behavior for someone that age. Secondly, I always wonder how happy people really are when they feel the need to constantly prove it on social media. I know I purposely posted pictures of us in the "suddenly happy" stages after our fights just to make myself feel better. I was trying to fool myself more than anyone else, really.

Ok, I had to find where the article said "four months".

While narcissists tend to win during that "emerging zone", narcissists have been found to report less commitment in ongoing romantic relationships and higher numbers of marriages and subsequent divorces. W. Keith Campbell has found that relationships with narcissists tend to show a dramatic decline after just four months..

My dad was a narcissist and he left my mom/brother/I destitute. But in the end it's so much better having him gone. I can heal the scars as deep at the marianas trench just as long as he's gone gone gone.

And more and more DEPENDENT personalities. They need a woman who's willing to subjugate all her thoughts and desires because she's dependent on him. If she's got low self esteem, then they're really in business.

Ugh...that is creepy. At least I know I'm not alone, and at least I got out when I did!

Yeah, my therapist has said she sounds lonely and desperate for attention. I found my whole world starting to revolve around him after the first few month...something that is NOT my usual. I have always been very independent. I felt extremely anxious when he wasn't here but always had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach when he was here. 5 months out, and I'm only just now starting to feel a little more like my "normal" self.

Thank you, you don't know how much what you wrote just helped me.