[Jess1989WI]

It’s the day before Christmas and my family is nearing the point of complete destruction. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me that my parents are at each other’s throats, growing up there was seldom a holiday that did not involve fighting. Heck, I have yet to notice an entire week where there is not a fight.

The Weekend:
My mom went out of state to visit her mother, leaving my dad, sister, brother and I home. We took it upon ourselves to make Christmas cookies (my dad made the dough), and my sister and I had our boyfriends over since they wanted to help out. My dad makes Irish Cream every year for the holidays, and so while he made that my boyfriend and I stuck to drinking a couple of beers (we don’t like Irish Cream – and we sipped the beers so no intoxication resulted). Anyways, we had a great weekend and made lots of cookies.

My mom gets home the night we finish baking and goes to bed, tired from driving. The next day she wakes up and sees the Irish Cream and a few beer cans in the recycling bin and has an absolute conniption. She calls my dad at work and basically accused him of throwing a party (we do not have alcohol in the house often at all, as she is a recovered alcoholic. We do respect her and do not drink around her, but in her mind we should never drink at home, regardless of if she is there or not). On top of it all, she continued to insult his baking, saying his spritz cookies were disgusting.

After the call with my mom, my dad calls my younger brother to complain/vent – something his children are very much against him doing. When my parents fight the kids are always involved, mostly because we turn into their personal “Dr. Phil” as I call it. We are forced to listen to the argument details, then after it all if we have an opinion we are told to stay out of it. I cannot count how many times growing up we were subjected to a weeping father, screaming mother, days with the silent treatment between parents, and just a flat-out hostile household.

I get home that night from work and my dad is sitting in the basement alone, with the lights off, coat still on from work, just sulking. This is typically what he does when my mom is angry with him. I have learned to just ignore this behavior and avoid him, and most importantly do not get involved. An hour goes by and my brother and I make dinner and I ask him to go downstairs to tell my dad that food was on the table. My brother says he cannot find him, he looked everywhere. About 3 hours later my dad comes walking in the basement door – from the looks of it he’d been out walking around the entire time. I hear a knock on my door and he comes in, after he does he turns to close my door and I immediately start saying “I don’t want to get involved, I don’t want to know anything, please do not tell me anything about what is going on”. He immediately gets angry and begins to try and let me know what is going on. I repeat my statement and he walks out.
Meanwhile my mom was upstairs venting to my brother, about what I’m not sure, but it was along the lines of saying how my dad should feel, etc., basically saying that he doesn’t have his own emotions or should be able to express what he feels unless it is acceptable.

At one point she goes downstairs to do laundry, saying, “There is something psychologically wrong with your father”. My brother and I exchange glances, as we both agree the problem is with both of them.

I receive texts from my sister that night:
“I hate listening to mom try and make sense of her unnecessary arguments”
“I like how she tells Jake what dad should and shouldn’t be mad about like he doesn’t have his own feelings”
“I wish dad had somewhere to go so he didn’t feel stuck in this marriage”.

Now:
I’m at work, and will be spending the night out of town. My dad has the day off work and is at home. I’m on lunch break and start getting texts from my sister:
“Dad just went downstairs and screamed that he hated mom and then stormed off outside”
“God I wish you weren’t leaving” (for the night)
“Nooo please don’t. Jake and I need you” (when I tell her its only for the night)
Me: “What is going on?!”
Her: “Mom is threatening to call the cops on dad”
Me: “Why, what happened?”
Her: “Just him slamming stuff and yelling. He is out walking down the road now”
Me: “I’m about 3 seconds away from calling home…what happened though?”
Her: “Don’t call. Mom just came in and told me not to tell you anything. She will kill me if you call”
Me: “Okay. No that part really does bother me because she feels the need to hide things from members of the family that will eventually affect them.”
Her: “Might not have a family by tomorrow”

I just don’t know what to do about all of this. I’m at a complete loss. Any advice would be the best holiday gift I could ask for, besides a happy family. :confused: :(

This so sounds like my family 20 years ago. Im sorry you are going through this torture. If I could go back and talk to me back then, my only advice would be to remove myself from the situation and protect my own interests. Trying to hobble along in the middle ground and trying to keep the unpleaseable pleased is an impossible situation. I should have done what was right for me much much earlier.

I hope you don't mind me saying this - but it seems like your mum enforces you to support her, whilst your dad seems completely unsupported. It doesn't sound like your mum and dad work well together --- maybe the route to a happy family, is if your dad is supported in his decision to leave? If they are away from each other, not fighting each other (probably not talking to each other) would it allow you and your siblings to build positive relationships with both of them separately?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Jess1989WI: Well... Christmas is about over for another year. Of course, New Year's Eve is coming up. I pray that you will be able to find peace in your life. I would have to agree with what CassyO wrote. You have to protect yourself. Your parents are adults, whether they act like it or not. You cannot take care of them. There is nothing you should be doing about this situation.

Of course, if you are living with them in their home that does certainly complicate matters. If you do, the best thing that you can do, perhaps, is to make arrangements to get out on your own as soon as it is feasible. This probably sounds harsh. But the reality is, from my perspective, that your parents will continue to ensnare you in this web of conflict for as long as you allow it to happen. You can't change it. I wish you well...

[Chickenkicker]

Classic case of role reversal. The parents huff & puff & fight, then expect the kids to sort out -their- dysfunction. Sorry you've got to deal with your 'grown ups' like this.