[SheHulk07]

I've posted before a while ago about my husband doing sexual things to me while I'm sleeping or actually having sex with me while I'm sleeping. I know what most people would say first...is I need to leave him or report him. That is NOT what I need to hear right now.

Right now I need to hear if I'm over reacting about a few things he's said to me this week or if I'm in the right for getting upset about it. Please.

Scenario 1: We're driving and a song comes on the radio, the lyrics sound like "You want to rape me."

H: "I found something on Facebook about saying "Yes means f me, no means rape me. I don't see how people can do that. It's disgusting."

Which is by definition, exactly what he's been doing to me for the past 5-6 months now.

Scenario 2: We bought a new, but smaller bed.

H: "One good thing about a smaller bed is I can't do anything to you in your sleep. It'd be impossible."

Which he proved that very wrong a few days later after that comment.

I see my T tomorrow, and thought about bringing these comments up, but I feel like I'm turning everything into something larger lately.

[Quarter life]

Dear AmyFed.

This is a sensitive area...an area that I have little experience in, as I have never been in a marriage. However...I am a firm believer that everyone has a right to say yes or no, and that our bodies belong to ourselves.
What he has been doing is at the very least disrespectful of both these rights, I'm also thinking that there may be a lack of communication between you both. All this aside, his actions are against the law and are causing you anxiety and concern..this behavior has to stop, as it sounds like it if filtering into other aspects of your life.

Try to be as transparent as possible with your Therapist about your feelings...you deserve to feel respected and safe in your own home and in your own bed.

Be kind to yourself AmyFed.

[Luce]

It sounds like his idea of informed consent is very different toyours (and mine, and the female sector of society in general really.) Some men believe it is a right for them to have sex with their partner whenever they wish - they really don't see having sex wth a non-conscious person as rape, although from a moral standpoint (and a legal one in some places) it actually is. It is certainly not a loving act.

Have you seen the British video about informed consent using a good old cup o' tea as a metaphor? It is worth watching.
If my link doesn't work just google 'drinking tea consent video'.
Your husband should watch it!

A while ago in my country a man was jailed for 20 years for doping his wife and then having sex with her while she was unconscious. She had no idea until she found a bunch of video clips on his computer of the event - some of which included his friends.

Drinking Tea Consent Video - Bing video

[ChavInAHat]

Hmm.
I may well be way off- but in my very untrusting mind, I'd say he was trying to gauge your opinion of what he has been doing and if you believe it is ok for him to be doing it or whether or not it is classed as rape.
Some men don't believe it is as they believe their wives are their property.

I don't know what I would do in your situation. But possibly leaving a print out on the law regarding marital rape and lack of consent available while the person is sleeping.
Here in the uk a charity made a video that really made it simple for those select few who think consent is a grey area

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by Quarter life

Dear AmyFed.

This is a sensitive area...an area that I have little experience in, as I have never been in a marriage. However...I am a firm believer that everyone has a right to say yes or no, and that our bodies belong to ourselves.
What he has been doing is at the very least disrespectful of both these rights, I'm also thinking that there may be a lack of communication between you both. All this aside, his actions are against the law and are causing you anxiety and concern..this behavior has to stop, as it sounds like it if filtering into other aspects of your life.

Try to be as transparent as possible with your Therapist about your feelings...you deserve to feel respected and safe in your own home and in your own bed.

Be kind to yourself AmyFed.

I've tried discussing this several times with my husband, so I'm not sure if communication is the issue anymore. I've told him it's wrong, it really upsets me, etc. Don't know what else I can tell him to take it seriously. He got upset with me again tonight for talking about it and slammed the door.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by ChavInAHat

Hmm.
I may well be way off- but in my very untrusting mind, I'd say he was trying to gauge your opinion of what he has been doing and if you believe it is ok for him to be doing it or whether or not it is classed as rape.
Some men don't believe it is as they believe their wives are their property.

I don't know what I would do in your situation. But possibly leaving a print out on the law regarding marital rape and lack of consent available while the person is sleeping.
Here in the uk a charity made a video that really made it simple for those select few who think consent is a grey area

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This is almost exactly what my cousin has said about him trying to guage my reaction to it. I don't even know anymore, I feel like I've made it clear over and over to him that it really upsets me. He seems to come back with excuses of how if I actually wanted sex he wouldn't have to do it, he's trying to make me want it, how he was sleeping and didn't know what he was doing, etc. I just give up.

[starfruit504]

I know you're in therapy yourself, but have you ever thought about couples therapy? I think when there's a breakdown in communication over an issue, it helps to parse it out with a professional. That way there's no more guessing game, you don't have to keep interpreting what it is he may be trying to say about the incidents. It should also help him nail down what it is he thinks he's doing or thinks he has a right to do to you.

I am married and I agree with Quarter life that we all have a right to approve or deny anything that happens to our bodies, whether we are conscious or unconscious. You're not overreacting. The litany of excuses can't be helping anything.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by starfruit504

I know you're in therapy yourself, but have you ever thought about couples therapy? I think when there's a breakdown in communication over an issue, it helps to parse it out with a professional. That way there's no more guessing game, you don't have to keep interpreting what it is he may be trying to say about the incidents. It should also help him nail down what it is he thinks he's doing or thinks he has a right to do to you.

I am married and I agree with Quarter life that we all have a right to approve or deny anything that happens to our bodies, whether we are conscious or unconscious. You're not overreacting. The litany of excuses can't be helping anything.

I have considered it, but he's made comments before about not wanting to go to therapy. Also, and I don't know if this is the norm opinion, but both of my therapists have said it's not recommended to do marriage counseling when there's abuse ongoing.

[starfruit504]

Maybe he needs to see the Tea Consent video

Obviously his behavior has to change. You can't stay and be subjected to sexual assault every time you go to sleep. You say you don't need to hear "leave him" but then you also say he makes excuses, won't go to therapy, and you "just give up."

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by starfruit504

Maybe he needs to see the Tea Consent video

Obviously his behavior has to change. You can't stay and be subjected to sexual assault every time you go to sleep. You say you don't need to hear "leave him" but then you also say he makes excuses, won't go to therapy, and you "just give up."

I'll definitely look at that video. I just want him to want to stop, you know? Maybe that's too much to ask. I obviously can't control him, and it's really affecting me. I want to save my marriage at this point, so maybe I'll bring up the couples therapy again with him. Maybe it's not with saving, and that scares me too.

[nicoleflynn]

Look up "gaslighting"---that is what he is doing to you. It is obvious he does not care about you and thinks it is okay to rape you. He is acting like a spoiled brat; when he doesn't get what he wants, he gets angry.
You will need to find your own strength to decide if you want to live like this. You aren't making things larger than they are; he is using and raping you. I know that is ugly to hear, but it IS reality. You can either ignore it, or continue living like that; it is your choice, but so disrespectful to yourself

Think about this; if you had a daughter, and a man or husband was treating her this way. What would you say to her?

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

I've tried discussing this several times with my husband, so I'm not sure if communication is the issue anymore. I've told him it's wrong, it really upsets me, etc. Don't know what else I can tell him to take it seriously. He got upset with me again tonight for talking about it and slammed the door.

The minute you decided (consciously or subconsciously) to try to 'help him understand' or 'help him take it seriously', you essentially decided to take on responsibility for his behaviors. It was pretty much game over at that point. He's not an idiot, he understands perfectly well. Furthermore he understands that he can keep treating you however he wants, and your response will be to try to 'fix things' and 'make him understand' and try to 'save the marriage'.

The reason people advise you to leave him is because that is the only way the abuse is going to stop.

[SheHulk07]

That makes sense when it's spelled out that way. The whole situation just sucks.

Yes, it does.

[Firestorm2018]

Tell your husband to stop raping you.

I'm very new to psychcentral so I don't know your previous posts, however being raped in your sleep by someone who's supposed to love and cherish you more than anything in the world is going to lead to a nervous breakdown.

[WibblyWobbly]

He's in denial. Does your T know he's sexually abusing you? What do they say about what you should do? If this was his daughter he'd be in prison right now.