[ThingWithFeathers]

I grew up in an abusive and neglecful home. My sister is the only person in the family who will talk about this. Even I, up until a few years ago, did not talk about any of it.

Last week, for the first time ever, my mother and I had a talk about it, her experience, my experience and the impact of some of that. It was a complete shock to be speaking with my mother about those things, especially the sexual abuse. We both cried. I felt, and still do feel, that being that open and vulnerable with her was too much for me. I don't trust her as a parent or confidant. She also asked me if I thought she was neglected. I told her the truth tgat yes she was but, given what she too endured, that it's not surprising neglect occurred.

The next day she wrote me a letter apologising for 'her failings' and gave it to me. In it she expressed her sorrow about my experiences growing up.

I'm not sure how to feel about her letter, it was a nice letter but up til now I've been trying to build strong boundaries to keep her at a distance. I'm not sure what I want to do now. Do I work on a relationship with her or continue on my path of gaining distance?

Would an apology like this make you reconsider your relationship with the person?

[nicoleflynn]

Yes an apology would open the door for trying to repair the relationship.

Yes, absolutely. If my mum apologised... Jeez, if my mum even acknowledged the impact her behaviour has had on me - I would absolutely see that as a building block to a better relationship. I can't see a day that will ever happen though

[Cat_Lover_58]

I think it's a good start, yes. It's okay to take baby steps and do what is comfortable for you.

[Fuzzybear]

If my mum had apologised,.. Then yeah

[RedSun]

I don't think I'd reconsider my relationship, no. I think that would need to come from within me, on my own timescale, not prompted by someone else.

But I guess only you know what feels safe for you right now. It feels important that you put your safety first, before your mums feeling, in my opinion.

It sounds like it was an emotionally draining experience for you, take good care of yourself x

[Open Eyes]

I think the fact that your mother appologized and admitted her faults probably took a lot for her to do with you. I am sure she really regrets and it is probably a painful thing for her to admit. I think she gave you something important, something so many others wish for and never get from a parent that did not protect them better and did not correct the abuse taking place.

I think you have to sit with this for a bit and really think about what it means, know your mother can never go back and fix any wrongs, all she can do is what she just did and hope you find it in your heart to appreciate that at the very least she is appologizing and admitting her faults. I don't think she is asking for anything with this letter, just giving you "respect" by appologizing. It appears she loves you enough to do this, and she knows it can't make up for your "loss", but it can "validate" what you deserve to have validated.

Yes. I had a similar experience with my father. It was the last thing he said to me before he died, although I didn't know that at the time. I couldn't bring myself to say the right things. It was 11 years ago. I regret that more than I have words for. Work on it with your T. Pray. Do what you need to do. But don't just walk away. That can eat you up just as much, but in a different way.

[2B/-2B]

In my personal recovery it was always me who made amends for my part, so I can become clear of any fear (shame and guilt) on my side of the boundary fence. Never heard a whisper from the other side.

After my father (the abuser) died, my step mother asked about my past relationship with him. I decided to tell her the truth.
She said that he never mentioned such things, but he did say something that she had not forgotten.
My father said to her, "You would not have liked me in my past". He never expanded on that, but she now knows what he meant.

You know, that was the only hint of admittance I have ever heard, and it was secondhand.
But that is all I've got, and I take that as an apology, because without it, it hurts even more.

But that is only my truth, and may have nothing to do with your circumstances.

[green0cake]

She also asked me if I thought she was neglected. I told her the truth tgat yes she was but, given what she too endured, that it's not surprising neglect occurred.

She's been also in a difficult times that's why she neglected you. I think she is sincere and she didn't mean to do that to you (she cannot take care of you as she cannot take care herself, too). That may be hard and may take a while for you to heal from her but you need to consider her apology. Who has the right not to forgive? especially your mother is the one initiating for your relationship to start again. Try. Nothing will be lost if you do.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by green0cake

She's been also in a difficult times that's why she neglected you. I think she is sincere and she didn't mean to do that to you (she cannot take care of you as she cannot take care herself, too). That may be hard and may take a while for you to heal from her but you need to consider her apology. Who has the right not to forgive? especially your mother is the one initiating for your relationship to start again. Try. Nothing will be lost if you do.

Sorry, I meant to type neglectful not neglected in relation to my mother's question. I don't have anything to indicate that she suffered anything as a child. But, then again, she would not discuss that if it were the case.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Thank you everyone for your replies!

Based on the letter alone, I'm not sure forgiveness and relationship building between us is what I want. It's a small gesture, albeit a big one for her, and that does not automatically make up for 17 years of abuse and neglect, and the 16 years of denial and anger that followed.

I am waiting to see if her actions are compatible with her words. So far I am yet to see it.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I feel for those who really want this kind if thing happen to them , but I am not happy, relieved or pleased with the letter. I don't trust it. I need something more from her actions.

Honestly, even with hearing from you all, I still feel very hesitant to hang my hopes on this one letter. I will have to see how and if she is a changed mother.

[Open Eyes]

I think it is reasonable for you to feel the way you do. I don't know how old your mother is, but she may not be able to change very much or suddenly give you what you might need to think about developing a relationship with her again. Admitting wrongs doesn't mean a person suddenly "knows" how to be different as a person, that is something that takes time, and, perhaps her working with a therapist.

[marmaduke]

I doubt I would be interested in this letter. Too little too late.

My first thoughts would be why?
Why after all this time has she done this.
Is she getting lonely, friends/ partners gone? Looking for someone to fill that gap, care are for her in a unselfish way? A way she never bothered with when it was required of her?

Don't get sucked in its all BS.

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