[leomama]

I don't know where else to post this, so this seemed like the best place.

My father has narcissistic traits and he is/was an emotional abusive person, although unintentionally towards me. I have a relationship with him, I love him, but I'm trying to get help understanding how he affected me as a father. I'm in a program of recovery for adult children of dysfunctional families. I wanted to reach out here and see if anyone else identified as an adult child of narcissistic families.

If someone thinks this thread would be better elsewhere, please let me know.

[CopperStar]

In my experience, growing up with NPD parents definitely affected me in various ways.

I actually inherited many of their dysfunctions, but without a malignant, predatory edge to it. But even if I don't go looking for people to victimize, close relations can bring out some serious dysfunction in me, and it's a bit sickening and horrifying on occasion to realize I've been channeling one of my parents subconsciously.

I think probably the biggest conditioned issue was in desperately trying to "manipulate the manipulators" as a child, which caused me to develop my own style of manipulation in relations as an adult.

Both of my parents played constant mind games, and I spent all of my childhood and adolescence trying to figure out what made them tick, what they wanted, how to get positive (or at least not terrible) reactions from them, how to try to hold together some semblance of a peaceful and normal family atmosphere. I never learned how to "just be" or what genuine relations are like.

So as an adult, my default settings when interacting with others is to "perform" instead of "be". I also analyze people heavily and am hypervigilant about concealed, malignant motives in others. Common tactics I use are playing dumb, performing tests and setting traps, experimenting with how people respond to various things, etc.

In others words I share some things in common with my NPD parents.
1. Rarely Genuine
2. Manipulative
3. Performing For Acceptance
4. Resenting Others For Feeling Like I "Have" To Perform
5. Very Pessimistic Outlook On Humanity
6. Prioritize Protecting Myself Over Intimacy
7. Victim / Martyr Complex

That sort of stuff is what I tend to focus on the most. Because I'm not ashamed of having anxiety or depression problems, but traits like manipulative or having a victim complex do bother me. And as if I don't already have enough of the same dysfunctions as my NPD parents, shame bothers me more than anything else LOL.

[leomama]

Thank you for your detailed reply. I don't know enough about narcissism to detail it out like that.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by leomama

Thank you for your detailed reply. I don't know enough about narcissism to detail it out like that.

I don't really, either. I've just got that cerebral narc streak in me. Have tons of posts all over this site carrying on like I'm an expert haha. Sometimes I remember to use phrase like "in my opinion" or "my perception is" but not always.

Here are some articles that might be interesting for you:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...their-children

Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents Resources - Band Back Together

Adult Children Of Narcissists. Narcissistic mother.

[leomama]

Thank you very much. I admire your cerebral approach. I'm feeling triggered right now so I can't really articulate too well.

[leomama]

The first article doesn't apply .

[leomama]

Reading the second one I think my mom is the problem.

[Soy bien]

Originally Posted by leomama

I don't know where else to post this, so this seemed like the best place.

My father has narcissistic traits and he is/was an emotional abusive person, although unintentionally towards me. I have a relationship with him, I love him, but I'm trying to get help understanding how he affected me as a father. I'm in a program of recovery for adult children of dysfunctional families. I wanted to reach out here and see if anyone else identified as an adult child of narcissistic families.

If someone thinks this thread would be better elsewhere, please let me know.

One of the hardest things I've had to deal with is being called a liar, bully, or cynic by my narcissistic parent. My parent vehemently denies any abuse in my childhood. What's worse is my parent often says that my memory is flawed, and I can't remember any good. I've been trying to cope, because holding on to these things is not good for either me or my parent.

[Soy bien]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

In my experience, growing up with NPD parents definitely affected me in various ways.

I actually inherited many of their dysfunctions, but without a malignant, predatory edge to it. But even if I don't go looking for people to victimize, close relations can bring out some serious dysfunction in me, and it's a bit sickening and horrifying on occasion to realize I've been channeling one of my parents subconsciously.

I think probably the biggest conditioned issue was in desperately trying to "manipulate the manipulators" as a child, which caused me to develop my own style of manipulation in relations as an adult.

Both of my parents played constant mind games, and I spent all of my childhood and adolescence trying to figure out what made them tick, what they wanted, how to get positive (or at least not terrible) reactions from them, how to try to hold together some semblance of a peaceful and normal family atmosphere. I never learned how to "just be" or what genuine relations are like.

So as an adult, my default settings when interacting with others is to "perform" instead of "be". I also analyze people heavily and am hypervigilant about concealed, malignant motives in others. Common tactics I use are playing dumb, performing tests and setting traps, experimenting with how people respond to various things, etc.

In others words I share some things in common with my NPD parents.
1. Rarely Genuine
2. Manipulative
3. Performing For Acceptance
4. Resenting Others For Feeling Like I "Have" To Perform
5. Very Pessimistic Outlook On Humanity
6. Prioritize Protecting Myself Over Intimacy
7. Victim / Martyr Complex

That sort of stuff is what I tend to focus on the most. Because I'm not ashamed of having anxiety or depression problems, but traits like manipulative or having a victim complex do bother me. And as if I don't already have enough of the same dysfunctions as my NPD parents, shame bothers me more than anything else LOL.

I am also hyper vigilent when considering people's motives. I often consider how they'll stab me in the back. I also feel like a victim a lot.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Soy bien

One of the hardest things I've had to deal with is being called a liar, bully, or cynic by my narcissistic parent. My parent vehemently denies any abuse in my childhood. What's worse is my parent often says that my memory is flawed, and I can't remember any good. I've been trying to cope, because holding on to these things is not good for either me or my parent.

I'm sorry to hear that. That's an interesting point about narcissist calling people a bully or cynical. My partner has called my mom cynical and me a bully . He denies having any narcissism at all. My mom has also called me a bully and a liar.

[Soy bien]

This article helped me understand why narcissists have "selective memory."
The Narcissist's Child: Selective Memory

[leomama]

Ty I will read that later

I have parents that are NPD. I don't take their **** or their lies.

I dont manipulate or play the victim.
I can come of as very assertive, aggressive or argumentative.

[leomama]

That's funny Valentina , my mother often accuses me of being argumentative and sometimes my SO does too...