[Simone70]

I am new to the forum, so hi everyone I just wanted to share some thoughts and vent a little about my mother, whom I have very little contact with.

I won't go into a lot of detail about my family history other than to say I think my mother has NPD and I have distanced myself from her in a big way since having my son. She is an unremitting control freak and I wasn't going to have her involved in parenting my child. She failed miserably at that role once, she wasn't getting the opportunity to mess up my son's head like she did mine.

I have moved to another state, partly to get away from a diagnosed NPD ex and partly to get away from her (I think I have been attracted to narcissistic partners due to the parental abuse I lived with from both parents who are/were both narcissistic). During a hellish family court case and living in safe house etc, due to my ex, I knew I couldn't trust her to keep her mouth shut about where we were, so I didn't I didn't tell her. Apparently, in her little fantasy world, she is blameless in that respect also.

The contact I have with my mother is infrequent phone calls. But I am inching ever closer to no contact at all. Since I have distanced myself from her, she is doing her usual little manipulations and game playing to try to mess with my head. As per usual, it's all about her and how I have wronged her by 'withholding' my son from her. She never does anything wrong.

Today I went to the post office to send a gift card, xmas card and photos of my son to her for Xmas and I realized that I didn't have her new address. So I rang her and as per usual, she didn't answer the phone. She is doing this deliberately now as a 'punishment' because of me going low contact. She won't answer the phone, or she won't return a call if I leave a message.

Just recently I told her in a phone call what I thought of her. I told her straight up that I thought she had a personality disorder and that if she didn't make an effort to call and speak to my son (she shows no interest in being in his life because it's not on her terms) then I will cut contact. She has called once since then.

I cannot tolerate the thought that my distress about this pathetic excuse for a mother might destroy my peace of mind at Xmas. I want to enjoy it and not feel the deep sadness I often feel at this time of year. My son needs me to be happy. So I think I'm going to play her card and not answer the phone if she rings on Xmas day. I want the day to be about my son and I.

I did end up phoning and leaving a message for her to go and pick up her Xmas present from her old address, only because there was a $50 gift card in there and some professional photos. I'm not answering the phone if she rings back.

I hate my mother.

[ChavInAHat]

Sorry to hear that your mum is so difficult.

I have a similar situation although my T believes my mother and older sister have BPD and both are shocking humans.
I have a 7 year old autistic girl and I don't want my mother or sister near her.

The only catch is I will be at my brothers house this xmas and he lives round the corner from my mother.

So who knows if she will drop in. I'm hoping my dad is enough of a deterrent!

I hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas with your son

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[Simone70]

Like you, I don't have contact with my sister either, for similar reasons. I don't think she has BPD, she just treats me like crap and always has. I'm the scapegoat in my family. My sister has not developed any insight into the family dynamic and would happily continue treating me like crap if I hadn't cut contact.

I hope for both your sake's that your mother stays away on Christmas Day. Christmas should be a happy time, shared with people you love. I'm going to do my very best to kick my mother out of my head this Christmas.

Merry Christmas and thanks for responding. I really appreciate the support.

[spring2014]

hi simone ,
you have every right to hate your mother. if she is that self centered then stay away from her . she just want to control and manipulate you to hurt you . she doesn't want to admit to her faults they will catch up to her in the future . she needs help and if she can't see it will be like the titanic ready to .







Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds : Cymbalta 60 mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs at night for insomnia with an additional 25 mgs=75 mgs at night for insomnia when up past 1:00 in the morning

[Simone70]

Thanks Spring. I don't like to feel hate for another human being, but it is what it is. I have just reached a saturation point where I just cannot tolerate any more crap my family. She won't ever admit that there is something seriously wrong with her, it's everyone else's fault in her world.

[globularrae]

Good for you, protecting your son from the abusiveness. I know that couldn't have been easy. I'm sorry your mother won't take responsibility for how she makes everyone feel. Try to focus on the other things in your life, the non-soul-sucking things, the things you're trying to preserve and protect from your narcissistic mom. Put yourself into those things and people, be there for them, make your own Christmas. If you make it a tradition not to be with your mom then it'll be a better holiday every year, it will get easier and easier and soon you won't be thinking about how she'd wreck it.

[starfruit504]

I went no contact with my NPD dad this year so this will be my first xmas not speaking to him at all. I limited contact with him for about 5 years, but he'd just find a way to be controlling and belittling to me in the short span of time I did see or speak to him.

Earlier this year I had a health scare and was screened for Parkinson's. I told my husband "If I get diagnosed with something chronic, I'd stop talking to my dad immediately." That kneejerk thought told me everything I needed to do, the control and the emotional abuse was never going to end until he was completely out of my life.

He's more terrible every year. The day before my wedding he told me that he wishes my brother was dead because he's such a disappointment to him (because my brother has schizophrenia). My brother was deeply traumatized by physical and emotional abuse from our NPD dad up until his psychotic break -- so yeah, my dad also takes no responsibility for anything. It's not his fault he forgot to bring home corn flakes and it's not his fault he cheated on his wife and it's not his fault he emotionally tortured his kids, etc etc.

I didn't confront my dad. He doesn't recognize that he's abusive at all. He won't own the fact that his behavior hurts others - if someone feels hurt he says that's their fault. He has to be right about everything otherwise he explodes with anger and will disown/alienate/estrange someone in a heartbeat. He won't speak to either of his elderly parents and they're both very ill and in hospice care.

So I just literally changed my phone number and didn't give it to him. He lives in another state and hasn't shown up on my doorstep yet. I know there's all this hate and venom sitting there waiting for me but I'm not going to pick it up.

At Thanksgiving I had a bad moment when I realized me and my mom were talking about dad and I quickly changed the subject -- I didn't want him to be here, not in person and not in my thoughts. Most of the things he's said and done are poisonous things that wear me down to a miserable pile. He's toxic. I'm practicing really hard to stop hearing his judgment and caring about what he thinks of me.

I feel bad sometimes that he's alone, that he's been so manipulative and toxic to everyone in his life that only his employees will associate with him (because he pays them). Then I remember what he said about my brother and what I'm sure he's said about me since I stopped talking to him.

[Simone70]

Originally Posted by globularrae

Good for you, protecting your son from the abusiveness. I know that couldn't have been easy. I'm sorry your mother won't take responsibility for how she makes everyone feel. Try to focus on the other things in your life, the non-soul-sucking things, the things you're trying to preserve and protect from your narcissistic mom. Put yourself into those things and people, be there for them, make your own Christmas. If you make it a tradition not to be with your mom then it'll be a better holiday every year, it will get easier and easier and soon you won't be thinking about how she'd wreck it.

Yes indeed, less soul sucking and more love. I'm doing my very best to achieve that. My son knows how much he is loved and that I am here for him unconditionally. I don't want to sound corny, but I guess I am aren't I? I've just made an unwavering commitment to parenting my son the way I should have been parented. I don't always get it right, but I do most of the time, which is what matters.

[Simone70]

Originally Posted by starfruit504

I went no contact with my NPD dad this year so this will be my first xmas not speaking to him at all. I limited contact with him for about 5 years, but he'd just find a way to be controlling and belittling to me in the short span of time I did see or speak to him.

Earlier this year I had a health scare and was screened for Parkinson's. I told my husband "If I get diagnosed with something chronic, I'd stop talking to my dad immediately." That kneejerk thought told me everything I needed to do, the control and the emotional abuse was never going to end until he was completely out of my life.

He's more terrible every year. The day before my wedding he told me that he wishes my brother was dead because he's such a disappointment to him (because my brother has schizophrenia). My brother was deeply traumatized by physical and emotional abuse from our NPD dad up until his psychotic break -- so yeah, my dad also takes no responsibility for anything. It's not his fault he forgot to bring home corn flakes and it's not his fault he cheated on his wife and it's not his fault he emotionally tortured his kids, etc etc.

I didn't confront my dad. He doesn't recognize that he's abusive at all. He won't own the fact that his behavior hurts others - if someone feels hurt he says that's their fault. He has to be right about everything otherwise he explodes with anger and will disown/alienate/estrange someone in a heartbeat. He won't speak to either of his elderly parents and they're both very ill and in hospice care.

So I just literally changed my phone number and didn't give it to him. He lives in another state and hasn't shown up on my doorstep yet. I know there's all this hate and venom sitting there waiting for me but I'm not going to pick it up.

At Thanksgiving I had a bad moment when I realized me and my mom were talking about dad and I quickly changed the subject -- I didn't want him to be here, not in person and not in my thoughts. Most of the things he's said and done are poisonous things that wear me down to a miserable pile. He's toxic. I'm practicing really hard to stop hearing his judgment and caring about what he thinks of me.

I feel bad sometimes that he's alone, that he's been so manipulative and toxic to everyone in his life that only his employees will associate with him (because he pays them). Then I remember what he said about my brother and what I'm sure he's said about me since I stopped talking to him.

That's the thing that cuts me the most - they don't see themselves as abusive. My mother will never, never accept that she has done anything wrong. I am the problem because I dare to confront her. I'm the only one who ever has.

I'm so sorry that your father has caused you and your family so much pain. Saying that about your brother is just appalling beyond words. I'm glad you have cut contact and you are at peace with your decision. These sort of people just cause pain and suffering to all around them. Everyone in my immediate family has developed depression over the years...it's like everyone around her falls to pieces while she just sails through life feeling nothing but smug self-satisfaction.

I am really seeing very clearly that I am not losing anything by going no contact. And neither is my son. She isn't any kind of grandparent, any more than she was a parent.

[starfruit504]

Originally Posted by Simone70

I am really seeing very clearly that I am not losing anything by going no contact. And neither is my son. She isn't any kind of grandparent, any more than she was a parent.

Only you can really know what's right for you and your family. I couldn't find much support when I decided to go no contact because people just can't wrap their head around the suffering it causes, "blood is thicker than water" and all that. I'm not dealing with a normal person, a normal parent. But if I was, you could bet that they'd forgive me for going no contact, they'd patch things up and move past it, if I ever wanted them back in my life. But my NPD dad would make me suffer for it forever and always. And that's just one more thing that informed my decision.

All I lost was literally just a guy I called my Dad. He didn't know me well, not really, he just knew how I was useful and unuseful to him. He made me feel worse than anyone I've ever met in my life. With him gone the wounds finally started closing up.

I spent so much of my life jumping through hoops to keep the peace with him and I still only got negativity from him, got belittled, and was generally disrespected. He'll never appreciate all I went through just to make him the least bit satisfied, and even then it never lasted. What's the point in spending life that way? I have good people around me who do appreciate me and mirror my own kindness and respect.

Being a part of your life is a privilege. Nobody is entitled to that but your kids. And I appreciate what a good parent you are, Simone70, we need more of them like you.

[Saltine American]

I felt this conversation was close to my heart Since my mom is either schizophrenic like her mother or BPD with schizoaffective disorder like my sister. Over the almost 20 years I have witnessed her arrested while taking down 3 cops and numerous Hospital visits. Before my sister had her first psychotic break we committed my mother and she was let out in FOUR days. She has been in and out of the hospital well over a dozen times and not one time has she stayed longer than 7 days. It has been almost 5 years since her hardly leaving the house and the psychosis just kicked in a few days ago. needless to say, I will not be joining the Christmas feast. I'll be staying home with my Alcoholic NPD father eating frozen pizzas. I hope this makes you feel better!

[Simone70]

Originally Posted by starfruit504

He didn't know me well, not really, he just knew how I was useful and unuseful to him. He made me feel worse than anyone I've ever met in my life. With him gone the wounds finally started closing up.

I really resonate with this. My mother also makes me feel worse than anyone I've ever met in my life and it all it takes is one phone call.

Thanks for your kind words about my parenting. I appreciate it.

[Simone70]

Originally Posted by Saltine American

I felt this conversation was close to my heart Since my mom is either schizophrenic like her mother or BPD with schizoaffective disorder like my sister. Over the almost 20 years I have witnessed her arrested while taking down 3 cops and numerous Hospital visits. Before my sister had her first psychotic break we committed my mother and she was let out in FOUR days. She has been in and out of the hospital well over a dozen times and not one time has she stayed longer than 7 days. It has been almost 5 years since her hardly leaving the house and the psychosis just kicked in a few days ago. needless to say, I will not be joining the Christmas feast. I'll be staying home with my Alcoholic NPD father eating frozen pizzas. I hope this makes you feel better!

I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas, however you share it.

[Simone70]

I have been doing pretty good, really enjoying the lead up to Christmas with my son. And then I think about my mother and I am filled with an anger that frightens the heck out of me. I don't like feeling like this, but the hatred I have for my mother because of how she has treated me for so long is just bubbling to the surface. I have intrusive thoughts about her that frighten me, and while I'm not new to intrusive thoughts, these I wish would would vaporize. I am so angry at her.

[Simone70]

Thank God the anger has subsided. It's replaced with a sense of freedom I haven't felt in a very long time. I left my phone on voicemail on Xmas Day (waiting for my number to be changed) so I didn't have to speak to her. Speaking to her would have ruined our day and I wasn't going to have it. I can't believe how I feel ~ I feel free. My mother has controlled my feelings for so long, and Xmas time was just a crucible for those feelings for such a long time. This Christmas I actually feel relaxed and happy (apart from being awake til late on Christmas Eve). I can't say it enough ~ I feel free. I am going no contact and I.feel.free.

[ChavInAHat]

Awesome!

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[marmaduke]

Simone
The anger l felt about my mother scared me. I hated her so much. She spent her life trying to destroy me, and in many ways succeeded.

((((((Hugs))))))))

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[Simone70]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Simone
The anger l felt about my mother scared me. I hated her so much. She spent her life trying to destroy me, and in many ways succeeded.

((((((Hugs))))))))

I'm sorry to hear that Marmaduke. It's very hard to wrap your head around the idea that the people who are supposed to love you the most, actually mean to hurt you. The pieces that are broken can be healed. I have to believe to that.

[marmaduke]

As a little child I never understood why mother was so different.
In infant school I remember waiting for mother to turn up for open days I watched the classroom door other mothers came in, I saw their delight as they spied their little angels, the cuddles, smiles. Happy.

l cringed in my seat. l wished l could disappear.
My mother never came. l lost, embarrassed, aware of my aloneness.

My mother never gave a f##k about me.

It gets better, l've had to work hard on building self esteem as I had none. Now I know I'm as worthy as anyone else!

Simone, i understand and get it, that your mom is difficult. But, once they are gone they are gone. If she has a MI and you have an MI then you should understand her. Can you have compassion for her yet distance yourself from her? She sounds like she is not capable or responsible for her actions and you are angry. That is not healthy and can sabatoge you. Make peace and forgive her for failing you and your son. She has nothing to offer because she has nothing to give. Let her be and pray for her healing. And drop the rock of anger before it drowns you. hugss.... tc

[marmaduke]

Omegalamed
'Once they are gone they are gone'

Once my mother went (95) all I felt was relief FREEDOM! at last.

I don't like mental illness blamed. Most people who do bad things are NOT mentally ill.

They are 'normal' they are aware of their actions. My mother (NPD) was not mentally ill. She enjoyed her life, people around her suffered though.

A abuser is an abuser regardless, even if it's 'family'
Children get abandoned, ill treated and killed by their own parents all the time.

Becoming a parent unfortunately does not turn everyone into a saint.
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[Simone70]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Simone, i understand and get it, that your mom is difficult. But, once they are gone they are gone. If she has a MI and you have an MI then you should understand her. Can you have compassion for her yet distance yourself from her? She sounds like she is not capable or responsible for her actions and you are angry. That is not healthy and can sabatoge you. Make peace and forgive her for failing you and your son. She has nothing to offer because she has nothing to give. Let her be and pray for her healing. And drop the rock of anger before it drowns you. hugss.... tc

Thank you for your comment but I respectfully disagree. I had compassion for my mother for a large part of my life, which is what kept me going back for the same abuse. She is beyond help because she believes there is nothing wrong with her. I will not be putting myself or my son back into a situation where she has the capacity to do more harm, ever again. She doesn't have a mental illness, she has a personality disorder. I think your comment is heartfelt but misguided.