[TerriLynn]

So, this last couple of days there has been a thought peeking through my brain. Just surfacing. So I am feeling it out and seeing how I feel about it.

My SM was my abuser, still is emotionally and mentally neglectful and abusive. She is just Mean, no getting around it.

I didn't grow up with my mom around much at all, never had that mother/daughter bond, and desperately wanted it, needed it. I tried everything to get that from SM, but never could.

My choices were always, she is the abuser, or she is mom. Even at 45 years old, I still want her to be the mom I never had and continue looking for that from her. The thought occurring to me, is that maybe she doesn't have to be anything. I know maybe this doesn't sound like a novel thought to others, but to me it is. There was never any other choice in my head. It occurs to me, that maybe she can just be Dad's wife. That's it. Maybe I can be polite to her and expect nothing more from her than I would any other acquaintance of my father's.

I am milling this around in my head. I don't know what I will do with it yet. But I wanted to put it in words and see how it sounds and feels.

TerriLynn, the thought sounds right. Some people cant give others cause they cant take care of themselves. they cannot give what they dont have. you got it! takes a load off of us. secondly stop expecting from others and you will be amazed how that heals things. blessings.

[nicoleflynn]

Sometimes our family are the ones who love us. Unfortunately family members are not what they should be. I became the mom I always wished I had had and therefore, nurtured myself. xo

[starfruit504]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I know maybe this doesn't sound like a novel thought to others, but to me it is. There was never any other choice in my head. It occurs to me, that maybe she can just be Dad's wife. That's it. Maybe I can be polite to her and expect nothing more from her than I would any other acquaintance of my father's.

I'm learning to think this way too and it's strangely comforting. Something holds onto the idea to having that parent, when I kind of never did, or at least it wasn't any kind of parent I ever heard of.

Your SM didn't embrace the role properly and she sure didn't fill it the way you would have. It's like saying, "Hey you weren't a bad mother, you weren't a mother to me at all. You're just dad's wife."

[marmaduke]

Accepting the truth and stopping looking for something that will never be given is quite freeing IMO.

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[Simone70]

If you can find that distance and that ability to disconnect from her, I applaud you. I haven't been able to do it with my family. I wish you all the very best.

[TerriLynn]

Simone, I am not sure if I can, but it is a new concept for me and I am hoping that I can.