[paradox22]

I'm free and on my own but I'm sooo upset and I don't know why. I want to punish myself so badly and I feel like I don't deserve to live, but I'm not going to kill myself. I'm just so upset and I feel so much hatred for myself and my mom tells me I have to make myself not upset but I can't. And I feel so much shame when I talk to my mom because I know she's thinking how ridiculous I am when I tell her I want to hurt myself. She says that's my choice of I hurt myself. And she says if I call her upset again she will bring me home back to the abuse.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by paradox22

I'm free and on my own but I'm sooo upset and I don't know why. I want to punish myself so badly and I feel like I don't deserve to live, but I'm not going to kill myself. I'm just so upset and I feel so much hatred for myself and my mom tells me I have to make myself not upset but I can't. And I feel so much shame when I talk to my mom because I know she's thinking how ridiculous I am when I tell her I want to hurt myself. She says that's my choice of I hurt myself. And she says if I call her upset again she will bring me home back to the abuse.

Ok first -

GOOD JOB IN GETTING OUT AND CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Second -

Your mom cannot make you go back to an abusive atmosphere - if she is threatening to n is able to get to you, then go somewhere she will not b able to know where you are (a shelter preferrably) - if you are still a minor, talk to a counselor and tell the counselor about the abuse and the threats to return you to it

Finally -

She is right about one thing (and its hard to hear because I had to face it too because I fight depression as well) - it is your decision whether or not to harm yourself or to cause your life to end - it is also your choice to embrace happiness again if you like. No, I don't mean just decide "I am gonna b happy today" - that is not possible and I know that, but you can embrace happiness and allow it back into your life - regardless of whatever else you may go through - if you choose to do so. I can explain that another time if you like. Right now, the most important thing is that you stay safe. Your mom sounds like she wants to b supportive but doesn't know how n is frustrated n as a result is causing you more harm than good. For this reason, I would recommend you limit your communication with her until you heal a bit more - and concentrate on you getting yourself emotionally stable again.

When you first get out of an abusive atmosphere it is very confusing. You want to feel happy about it - but you feel scared bc of the unknown. You want to feel free - but still you wonder "did I do the right thing?" , "maybe it was me ... maybe it wasn't really abuse". You want to feel "safe" - but instead you are more jumpy than ever. I've been there. I understand. It isn't you being "crazy" - it's you starting to try to make sense of something you were forced to deal with that may never truly make sense - and starting the healing process. If you don't have a counselor yet - get one, you will need it to get you through the rough times ahead - trust me. If you ever feel you may truly harm yourself or cause your life to end or harm others, get yourself help before it goes any further than that - this stage of your life is going to be very volatile n chaotic - not a time to test yourself!

Be good to yourself and you will soon see how special you are, I promise!

*hugs*

[globularrae]

Take it one day at a time. I left home when I turned 18 and felt like I was going to implode too. Just focus on getting through today. Tomorrow focus on getting through tomorrow. Be gentle with yourself.

[DesigningWoman]

I just escaped from my emotionally, mentally abusive and controlling parents. I lived with them over 35 years. I moved out in August. They told me terrible things would happen to me if i ever left them. That I was weak, sick, and incapable of caring for myself. They were wrong.

Freedom is scary though. I will admit to many times I have wanted to return to them. They loved me, right? They told me that they loved me more than anyone did. That however isn't true. I just sent them an email that said i wouldn't see them for Xmas. I feel like I an awful person for hurting them. Odd that.

Be proud that you have escaped. But freedom can be very lonely and trying. For me, professional mental health help and the support of my friends has been key. That and taking responsibility to be my own loving parent. I will never have the families that others have. I just don't. So I have to work with what is in me and my control.

I would urge you to try and develop a real loving relationship with yourself.
That's what I am trying, anyway.

[paradox22]

Thank you guys so much for responding!