[PaulK]

I grew up in the 1970's with an emotionally abusive father. We seldom had a home, most of the time we lived in run down travel trailers parked along the road. My father worked for a while , then somehow got disability when I was small. I'm not sure what he got it for but it was probably some scam or other on the government anyway. We moved around a lot mostly between Elko Nevada and Barstow Ca. Often we stopped along the highway and just lived in a parked trailer. We moved around a lot there was never any running water and electricity came from the battery of our pickup truck. We did have a 12 volt black and white TV for a period of time. The abuse took the form of constant put downs with explosive episodes where my sister and I (usually me) were cursed violently and often threatened with death. My mother was treated similarly though we were usually the victims. I learned to withdraw and to converse in a way that preempted any possible put down. Basically anything you said was a potential trap for some insult or put down. To this day I still have a very reserved way of speaking based on the same formula I worked out as a child. I find I even do this when I'm thinking to myself. I can always feel a constant stress and anxiety in the back ground as if I might be attacked at any time. I'm wondering If I have PTSD form my past experiences.

I experienced the same thing, but had other parts emerge because of it. I suffered for 18 years being physically, emotionally, and mentally abused. I escaped when I turned 18.

Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) lasted well into my late 20's.

I was shell shocked, withdrawn, beaten down.

PTSD is more an event thing, like war, incidents of trauma, but C-PTSD is from extended times of abuse. I drank and drugged mine away. What I got left is like a multiple personality type thing.

I'm sorry that you are still suffering. Our body is 47, so it finally wore off 10 years ago.

[WibblyWobbly]

The hypervigilance that you described is a symptom of PTSD. It would help you to see a psychiatrist for your anxiety and find either a therapist that specializes in trauma or a trauma group. Trauma therapists have a different skill set and approach then regular therapists. They really dig deep and get to the root of your dysfunction whereas the general therapists that I've been to only know how to deal with what's on the surface.

I'm sorry that you have been through so much. I don't understand how anyone can treat children that way.

[NoGreaterLove11]

It could be complex PTSD. But it's hard to tell unless you see a trained professional. Would you feel comfortable going to therapy? Anyway, sorry to hear about your dad. Even if it doesn't feel like it you are very strong for surviving all that
Hope you get that answers you are looking for.

[NoGreaterLove11]

I'm sorry

[TerriLynn]

I do something very similar to you with the conversations. I don't have a formula, but I plan out every conversation in my head. I actually have the conversation over and over in different ways so that I can plan how I am going to react to each response that the other person could give. Its exhausting. Noone knows I do it. Except now you!

[Fuzzybear]

[PrairieCat]

Yes, bizarre childhood with emotional abuse. Me, too.

You are not alone. I am now in EMDR therapy for the C-PTSD. Complex PTSD. Lots of initials but they all mean something. I hope you can get therapy because it can actually change the way you think and talk. It can make it all better, so i am told. Good luck!

[hjames]

I can relate! My mother "taught" me to be very clever in my words and actions or she would drag me out of bed and beat me in the middle of the night.

I don't bear too many direct scars except that it stunted my childhood and all the huge collateral damage of that...

[Oghamargyll]

My father was physically and emotionally abusive while I was growing up. Part of it I think was his generation and culture and part of being in war. As he got older he got worse. Could hear him dreaming and reliving his war experiences.
He would go off at the least provocation.
I was called every name in the book and demeaned in front of others. Physically I was beaten with about everything there was. there were tire irons, wooden flooring, both ends of a belt. I was beaten until I bled. I was punched and kicked repeatedly all about. At Christmas gifts were given to me and told to wrap them my self or they were taken away or I was told I didn't deserve more.
I had guns pointed at me never knowing whether they were loaded or not. Needlessly to say my self confidence was very low and everything was impacted. It took me years to get thru college and only with a C average. I had many jobs but found one and made a career of it. I climbed ranks s-l-o-w-l-y. I did manage to get national ranking in my sport later in life. I had episodes of depression thru my life but I survived. In the past year though events at work triggered my emotions and brought things to the surface. It has been difficult day to day but I'm still here.

[MyFriendAmy]

I can relate. I dealt with a lot of emotional/verbal abuse as a child, at home and at school. I'm glad you brought this up because someone else's mention of C-PTSD might help me put a name to all the effects it had on me, so thank you. I've come a LONG way from when I left home 11 years ago but I am still dealing with a lot and lately am seeking some answers. This might help me get a little closer.

[mugwort2]

I too can somewhat relate. My mother was emotionally, verbally abusive to me. My father wasn't but he didn't do that much to stop it. Don't get me wrong he didn't encourage her. One thing was he wasn't home much. He was a musician (guitarist) and he traveled throughout the US a lot. He wasn't home that much. Later he was a record exec so he kept long hours. There was lots of pressure for my mother to be thin. Her doctor prescribed diet pills, ie amphetamines. I believe that;s why she yelled and screamed at me from when I was four until I was fourteen when she came off of them. She said she was truly sorry how she treated me and from then on never abused me. Yet even though its been decades my sense of self worth, self esteem is stil quite effected to this day. I see a therapist. I was diagnosed with PTSD.

[Oghamargyll]

I have slowly been getting stronger. Have seen therapists for past year. Took several long breaks from work. Trying to give back to others by volunteering. Taking courses. Went for a hike today. Cold and beautiful. Thankso everyone for suport.