**trigger** the virginity question w/ sexual abuse****

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One of the other posts triggerred this memory in my mind and I haven't been able to "let go of it".

I lived in fear... of being found out.. being an incest survior and also a survior of sexual abuse from a pedophile...
left me not a virgin...
So when I had severe medical problems at 16, I was terrified that my doctor would tell my mom that I had been sexually active - during that "day and age" in a small town - something to live in fear of... now days I believe that there is some protection for teenagers that the docs can't share - but back then... such was not the case.
I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mom would blame me... and I was right as after becoming an adult, I did share briefly some of my experiences.. being called names just adds to the pain...

I also think back..to my first sexual experience with my husband and the scene that followed that... my husband was a physically abuse person...
I never to this day shared with him that I had been abused.

I don't know, sometimes I wish I could take back what was taken from me.

Doubt that anyone would truly understand the totality of being so alone and so young with no one to turn to. Just the terror and the pain all rolled into one package..

freewill

I wish I didn't understand the terror and pain of it, but sadly I do. I told my husband (now x) a tiny bit before we married - and never was anything else said. I don't think he cared, he just spent 20 years complaining about how much I hated sex. He was abusive too - scary how we repeat things, isn't it?

It sounds like telling your mom was a bad experience too. I'm sorry for that. I've been thinking about telling mine - even though it is 30 years too late, but I'm terrified she'll blame me.

I hope you can soon put this memory to rest and find peace again. Do you have a therapist or group to help you with this?

Thank you .....

yes I have a T.... this was a memory that got triggered and wouldn't go away... it will now...

Sometimes, I think that it is diffcult for others to understand the far reach that sexual abuse has .... in a person's life.

I told my husband bits and pieces before our relationship got physical... then as yrs went on I would tell him more bits and pieces, but he still does not know all... We did have some issues earlier in our marriage regarding this topic...

I hate being asked the question about how many ppl I have had sex with b/c for some reason I feel like I am suppose to include the experiences with abusers ... So my response is usually... willingly 2 .... Or when I first had sex.... my response is usually: willingly 16....

I didnt tell my parents until last summer, at age 35 about being sexual abused over approx a ten yr span... I didnt b/c two were family members and 4 were known and I knew my dad would probably kill them literally b/c of the mind set he was in back then... I didnt want to upset the family or cause anymore stress for myself... I was in survial mode and just wanted to get thru the next day... I am not sure that I even knew that it was wrong so to speak but I knew I didnt like it....

I felt very alone, but knew one day I would be free from the control those pple had over me....

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))))