[RedSun]

Hi
I've posted threads on here before about this situation, so apologies to those who've read them before. Because I'm posting the same thing! I feel that I don't address these issues straight on in therapy, but I think about them more outside of therapy. Like Im going round and round a staircase, and end up at the same place every now and again.

And this is the place. Part of me feels that, a 14 year old

*trigger*

Who has a sexual relationship with a male family friend who is in their mid 30's

Isn't to blame for that because they're still a child. I can see how that applies to all other 14 year olds, I can see that they are children. I work in this area and I would never ever expect that child to take responsibility.

But, for me, I know it was my fault. I was old enough to say no. I can't remember much detail, and I've only remembered any at all in the past year or two (I'm in my late 30s now) but I know that I didn't say no. I was upset etc and there was some force...and I know that for anyone else, it shouldn't matter cos it's still the a users choice and fault whether they needed to use force or not.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to think. I feel that I just cannot acknowledge that it wasn't my fault because someone will tell me that, no, it was my fault, it was all my fault, and now I'm trying to be a victim too.

Anyone else understand?

[IrisBloom]

Tell me if I'm wrong, but I think you are saying that you feel guilt that you allowed it to happen and didn't fight him off? If so, you need to understand that you were a child and he was not. He was bigger, stronger, manipulative, overpowering. You were not in a mental or physical position to resist his manipulation. How can you be blamed for that? In my opinion you need to start forgiving yourself, not for giving in to him, but for holding yourself accountable for something you had no power over. It is a process and does not happen overnight. If you make a conscious decision to forgive yourself, you will in time feel free from this burden.

[RedSun]

Hi Iris
Thanks, yes I feel guilty that I didn't tell someone, and I didn't say no... Thanks for saying I need to forgive myself. I'm not quite there yet though. The feeling that follows if I even consider that is that someone will be angry with me for not feeling bad...it's hard to explain. Like if I tell myself it's not my fault, I will be reminded that,up yes, it is my fault, and I'm even worse because I'm trying to say its not.
It's confusing, and I feel stuck. I know I need to talk to my T about it, but I feel that she will also think it's my fault and will just say it's not because she's my T

[IrisBloom]

Maybe talking it out will help sort out your feelings about it. I don't think any professional will think it was your fault. Even if you were willing it still wasn't your fault. You didn't go seeking for it to happen. PM me if I can help you in any way.

[precaryous]

Redsun,

Hi, I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

At fourteen years of age- our brains are not fully developed. Impulse control and good decision making are some of the last areas to develop....around age 21-25years old. That's why fourteen year olds are not allowed to drive, join the military, etc. At fourteen years of age we lack life experience and maturity. You were incapable of giving any sort of consent at fourteen. You were not at fault....even if you did not say no...or fight him off. It doesn't matter if force was used against you or not. It's not your fault.

The abuser was in their 30's.. A person in their thirties is expected to know that sexual contact with a fourteen year old is wrong. A person in their 30's has the life experience to know this was wrong.

Sometimes when we are sexually assaulted, we cannot hear "It's not your fault" enough.

I hope you bring this up with T. I know it's difficult.
I wish you well.

[nicoleflynn]

You have nothing to forgive yourself for. You didnt do anything wrong! An adult took advantage of a child....YOU. He committed a crime.

[Open Eyes]

((RedSun)),

You are in your late 30's now so it's VERY IMPORTANT to realize that your maturity level is very different then that of a 14 year old. What you see/think now was wrong is very different then what you understood back when you were 14 and so very impressionable and naieve. What confused so many when looking back years later is they can feel themselves at that age but they are doing this with so much more life experience and knowledge so they are simply not the same. When a 30 year old takes advantage of a 14 year old, they groom that 14 year old into getting what they want and they know what works too. It's very important you do not feel guilt and traumatize yourself with this life experience. It's important to also consider the overall society at the time too, there was a lot of exposure to sexual things that focused on making "sex" into something "fun, adventurous, and exciting" and it was everywhere really, on TV, Movies, advertisements, and clothing lines in the fashion world to entertainment and the music world.

Try to allow yourself to look back on this life experience as something that didn't kill you, but now with your maturity level would not choose to do, but there are lots of things we all experience that we can look back on and see as mistakes. But at the time we just did not know.