My Family Doesn't Love Me

I don't know how to talk about my childhood, but I developed PTSD partially from abuse and an unstable environment from childhood into adolescence. My parents don't think they did anything wrong. And I'm inconvenient because I try to hold them accountable. Somehow I alienated my brother and sister by being...I don't know what I did. I guess something but I literally don't remember. After my serious psychological issues started I became the black sheep of the family that everyone resents and doesn't want to deal with. I'm always the problem, though I just try to live and not be a problem at all.

My mother's behavior suggests she doesn't love me. I accused her of hating me and she said she didn't. Maybe she doesn't, but there is no love between us. She told me to my face that she hates my personality. That she'll never forgive me. And so on. We live in the same house but we go days without talking. She won't look at me most of the time, and when she does she never smiles. When I ask her for help she throws a tantrum and acts like a 3 year old. I went to the ER last weekend due to seizure symptoms, when I got home afterward she verbally attacked me saying its probably because I don't eat breakfast. There was no question about how I was doing, what's going on, what did the doctor say. Just accusations that its my fault I was in the ER at all. Every now and then she blows up at me over small things, that most people don't get irritated about.

It brings me back to my childhood. It shakes me up. Scares me. Makes me cry and want to hide somewhere to get away from her. I feel fear. She use to be violent and volatile. While she never hit me that I can recall, she would throw things and smash things. Which was equally scary. My dad has a volatile temper too, blowing up and punching, smashing, breaking, throwing, and yelling and cussing over the smallest things. I'm really scared that he's going to hurt someone one of these days. Or hurt himself. But I get the same reaction, becoming a child again wanting to hide. It shakes me. I remember the fight my parents use to have, the door slamming when my mom would abruptly leave and disappear for several hours or almost a day. I never knew if she would never come back. Sometimes I hoped she wouldn't.

My dad has never told me that he loves me. But I think he might because he does things for me without complaint...well, he does complain, but its not the same when its my mom. My sister doesn't speak to me. I sent her texts about being in the ER and she never responded. Despite her asking me to update her, there's just...she acts like I don't exist unless she is physically there with me. My brother lives at home too, and he doesn't have much of anything to do with me, though at least acknowledges my existence and sometimes he opens up to me.

Without my cat and my friends, I wouldn't feel very loved at all. It just blows my mind, because I am the victim of abuse, but I'm the one who did everything wrong and caused all the problems in my family. How does that factor? It doesn't make sense at all.

Be uniquely you, because you are a beautiful person regardless of whatever diagnosis you have.

Bipolar Type II with Psychotic Features
PTSD with Dissociative Features
Borderline Personality Disorder
ADD
Social Phobia
Creative Writer and Artist
Genderfluid

I've had much the same situation with variations. I have never felt loved. I am the black sheep of the family. In the hierarchy of the family I am pretty much the bottom rung. I am not saying any of this is true or right. In fact, I know I am better than all of them. I accept my place but I have the truth inside and it keeps me from being brought down.

I live with my primary abuser, who gives with one hand and stabs me with the other. (figuratively) I still get hurt from time to time, but inside I know it is their problem, not mine when they accuse, malign, insult, lie, blame. You can learn to live with it and not let it touch you inside. Getting to know yourself perhaps with therapy or other methods can help a lot.

The biggest thing to remember, is when they do those things, it is THEIR problem, not yours. You don't cause them to throw fits and break things. You don't ask them to hurl insults and critique your personality or life. THEY are acting out their own issues and it has nothing to do with you. You, like me, are the most convenient target for them to aim at.

Be kind to yourself and do what you can to avoid situations that you know will turn out bad. It might help to research online resources about how to handle such situations, maybe self esteem issues too. If you are not in therapy, it might be an options also.

Can you afford to move out of their house and live on your own?

Unfortunately as long as you remain there you will continue to be maltreated which will only make your condition progressively grow worse.

I'm sorry that you have been abused and scapegoated by your parents and siblings this way ... Often these kinds of parents turn siblings against one another so that the one child that's receiving the brunt of the abuse has no one to turn to for comfort.

I truly hope you can find a way to distance yourself from them and find the help and support you need to begin recovering from this most awful form of abuse!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

You haven't done anything 'wrong'.
You seemed to have been singled out as the family 'scapegoat' who they all dump on.
I was a scapegoat too. No fun.
I knew at a young age that I was unloved.
My mother told me she 'Hated me'
Broke my heart.

Like pfrog said the best thing to do when living with toxic people who do nothing but put you down, is to get away. As far as possible.


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Oh I tried to get away. I applied for grad school several states away, deep in the South and got accepted. I moved and began starting my life over. When the psychotic episode happen I had to abandon school and move back in with my parents to get treatment. My sister knows that my main motivation for moving to Texas was to get away from my family and she has never forgiven me for this. It was okay for her to abandon me when she met her fiance, but for me to want a fresh start and continue my higher education? Apparently that was a huge no-no.

As of right now I'm drowning in student loan debt and not getting any assistance from my family. My parents make me pay $300 rent, even though they know I'm struggling. This month I know I won't be able to make that payment, because my student loans come first. My bills are roughly $648 a month, and I make a little over $800 a month if I'm lucky. I'm only part time. Sometimes I work five days a week, sometimes three. I have no control over my work schedule. So how much I make is never a guarantee.

I remember when I was job searching my mother told me no one would hire me. Yet kept pushing me to get a job. She tried to put me in a mental health housing community despite being way too high functioning to qualify. My therapist thought it was absolutely ridiculous that she was even entertaining that thought.

I'm not saying I'm easy to live with, what with medical problems and a really defective memory and the fact I don't drive. I know how inconvenient I am. And I'm making efforts to change this. As soon as I get the EEG results back, and if I'm not epileptic, then I'm working on getting my license. Even though I couldn't possibly afford a car. Not even a used one. But having a license will help me get a better paying job. Which is my only ticket out of here.

I just got a new therapist, who is assessing me for whether or not I should do EMDR therapy. At home I spend most of my time by myself, isolated from the rest of the family because I can't handle being around them. I'm hyper alert when in the same room as my mother, and just waiting for a verbal attack. A look. She sneers at me often. And it just makes me leave because who wants to be around someone like that.

I think my dad does love me though, he just shows it through actions. Like when I just gave him change to grab me a single bottle of Pepsi and he brings me a 6 pack. Sometimes he really just surprises me. I know his anger isn't directed at me, its from his own abusive childhood, and the...um...unfulfilled relationship he has with my mom. I'll just say they have separate bedrooms and seem to love their dogs more than each other.

Be uniquely you, because you are a beautiful person regardless of whatever diagnosis you have.

Bipolar Type II with Psychotic Features
PTSD with Dissociative Features
Borderline Personality Disorder
ADD
Social Phobia
Creative Writer and Artist
Genderfluid

I'm glad you have a therapist and can work on this now, rather than later, which is what I did. I could have written your first paragraph. I didn't seek therapy until I was already 40, and it's been a five year journey so far and I'm far from feeling better. I logically know none of it is my fault, but the rejection of parents hurts so much. It's about learning to love yourself. The faster you can get out of the house, the better. Wishing you luck!

I can relate to your title, I feel the same. I've never felt accepted or 'fitted-in' with my family. I feel outcasted, the black sheep, the scapegoat. You feel you've committed murder since you get people who use to talk, no longer talk to you. I feel sad about it as I was close to some of these relatives. Unfortunately the next generation who are now entering adulthood I do believe have been contaminated by my siblings, sad. So they will carry on the toxic dysfunction in their lives and heads. I value truth and open communication but I find my family is not interested. Many years ago, i moved interstate to survive and find myself. It's working. I hope you can too once your mental health improves. There's a lot of great Youtube videos about survivors dealing with narcissists and dysfunctional families. Check them out!

PH