[bolair811]

I'm sort of a newbie, and I mainly post on the psychotherapy board. But, I have browsed the threads here, too. I have been working with my therapist on my history of emotional neglect and memories of sexual abuse. So far, I've been unable to really talk about what exactly happened except to say a few basic details about how old I was, where it happened, and who it happened with. I have been working with my T for almost 2 years, and I have finally developed the level of trust I needed to start exploring this. We've discussed it for a few sessions, and I do feel comfortable so far. Scared, but comfortable with his accepting and nonjudgmental reactions. He has over 20 years of experience dealing with many forms of trauma including all forms of abuse, addictions, eating disorders, etc. He has tried to reassure me several times that he can handle whatever I talk about. In the past, whenever I have trouble talking about something, I will journal about it and bring it in to read to him. He always responds very thoughtfully and in a supportive and caring way. So, I thought maybe I could journal about the things that happened and the fears I have in telling him because I really think I was just messed up sexually to begin with and I wanted things to happen. So, it's really hard to talk to him about it. At first, I couldn't even write out what happened in my online journal. It is so disgusting and shameful to me. Not just the abuse, but everything that's happened afterward that makes me think I asked for initial incident to happen.

But, I woke up around 4 am one morning about 2 weeks ago, and felt like I could journal about it. I just had to get it out of my head where it's been swirling around for months. So, now I'm wondering if I can read it to him. If it's worth the risk that he might confirm my fears or even if he doesn't, that he will never ever look at me the same.

So, I guess my question is whether someone with a strong sense of recovery and stability would be willing to read it and give me your honest to goodness thoughts about it and if it's too much to share with my T. It would be a way to let it out without having to be face to face with someone I have a very deep and trusting relationship with (my T). I feel weird and twisted even asking for this, but I guess I just need someone to tell me that it's not the worst thing they've ever heard. That T won't be totally revolted by me. Ughh... that sounds horrible and selfish of me to want to hear that it could be worse.

I'm sure you can imagine that it includes many potential triggers.

Please let me know if this is not an appropriate thing to ask here. I honestly mean no harm by putting this out there. Just not sure how else to go about it.

Thank you all.

[Out There]

Hi there Bolair , I don't feel that's inappropriate. I've heard many , many things in my life from people. I do understand how you feel. Journaling is a good way to get things out of your head.

[RedSun]

Hey bolair
I've felt the same too, that I would disgust and shock my T. But she was accepting and kind.

You are welcome to pm me anything if you like
Red xx

[bolair811]

Originally Posted by RedSun

Hey bolair
I've felt the same too, that I would disgust and shock my T. But she was accepting and kind.

You are welcome to pm me anything if you like
Red xx

Thank you so so much. I'm sorry I'm just now getting a chance to respond. I'll send you a PM soon.

[bolair811]

Originally Posted by Out There

Hi there Bolair , I don't feel that's inappropriate. I've heard many , many things in my life from people. I do understand how you feel. Journaling is a good way to get things out of your head.

Thanks! I used to balk at journaling because I hate handwriting, but since I found a secure online journal, I've seen how helpful it can be.

[Out There]

I never thought I would tell my T some of the things I have - its the fear of what he might say or how he might react , and perhaps we all feel it and fear it to some degree. I also never thought I would say things on here , but other people's experiences have drawn me out to speak myself.

[SkyBlueSue]

Journaling/writing are both cathartic. Start a blog, a fantastic outlet for me.
There is a blogging community out there that is very supportive.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you have volunteers to review what you wrote. However, the only one who will really know if it's too much to share is you. It's always a good idea when you write something out like this to give it time to set after you have done it and the urge to blirt it out eases up.

I think it's important to mention that a child can develop a desire not really understanding what it means. Human beings are designed to be sexaul beings and a child can discover this surprisingly young and not really know what it means. Children by nature are very curious and do explore, but they don't really have an adult understanding of what these feelings are.

You can talk about things that happened without getting into all the details, and that can actually traumatize a person when the idea is talking about it overall so that you can get an understanding that whatever you were involved in, at the time, you did not have the true maturity to understand the gravity of what you were doing as you do now as an adult. What you need to preserve is your own personal sense of sexuality instead of having any guilt about it. A sense of personal sexuality is something that develops with maturity and something you deserve to enjoy about yourself.

[bolair811]

Thank you so much.... I think what you said about developing my own sense of sexuality is spot on. I have really abnormal (to me) views about sex and love and how they are connected (for me, they aren't connected at all). I know it has affected my ability to be in a meaningful romantic relationship. It's definitely one of my big goals in therapy to be able to connect the physical act of sex with true intimacy.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It sounds like you have volunteers to review what you wrote. However, the only one who will really know if it's too much to share is you. It's always a good idea when you write something out like this to give it time to set after you have done it and the urge to blirt it out eases up.

I think it's important to mention that a child can develop a desire not really understanding what it means. Human beings are designed to be sexaul beings and a child can discover this surprisingly young and not really know what it means. Children by nature are very curious and do explore, but they don't really have an adult understanding of what these feelings are.

You can talk about things that happened without getting into all the details, and that can actually traumatize a person when the idea is talking about it overall so that you can get an understanding that whatever you were involved in, at the time, you did not have the true maturity to understand the gravity of what you were doing as you do now as an adult. What you need to preserve is your own personal sense of sexuality instead of having any guilt about it. A sense of personal sexuality is something that develops with maturity and something you deserve to enjoy about yourself.

[bolair811]

I've thought about blogging! How do I find a "community" of bloggers for this sort of thing?

Thanks

Originally Posted by SkyBlueSue

Journaling/writing are both cathartic. Start a blog, a fantastic outlet for me.
There is a blogging community out there that is very supportive.

[bolair811]

Reading here has DEFINITELY helped me feel a little bit less fearful in speaking about my experiences. Even if right now, the most I can really do is "speak" them in a journal entry. I still can't say the words, but I managed to read a small part of my journal entry to my T today. He responded in the calm and cool manner that I have come to expect, but up until that moment, I was so nervous! Of course, that's just the first tip toe in the water. But, it went okay. It gives me a little more confidence for the bigger stuff.

Hugs for you...

Originally Posted by Out There

I never thought I would tell my T some of the things I have - its the fear of what he might say or how he might react , and perhaps we all feel it and fear it to some degree. I also never thought I would say things on here , but other people's experiences have drawn me out to speak myself.

[caseygirl]

Go to Wordpress.com you can set up a blog for free. There is so much support in the blogging community for those with PTSD or anything specific. I was originally dealing with depression and PTSD when I set it up, information on blogs is invaluable. If you need help, leave a comment on my blog or here.

http://www.cherished79.wordpress.com

This is in response to Bolair811 about blogging, sorry, don't know how to use the quote thingy!!

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by bolair811

Thank you so much.... I think what you said about developing my own sense of sexuality is spot on. I have really abnormal (to me) views about sex and love and how they are connected (for me, they aren't connected at all). I know it has affected my ability to be in a meaningful romantic relationship. It's definitely one of my big goals in therapy to be able to connect the physical act of sex with true intimacy.

I am glad what I said was helpful ((bolair)). Everyone takes time to develop their own personal sense of sexuality and there is a private sexuality that one keeps to themself and then whatever they feel comfortable sharing with a partner in a relationship. You are not alone in the quest of connecting the physical act of sex with true intimacy.