[abnormallady]

Background: I'm in therapy right now. I feel like I've finally found someone who understands that it is my past that affects my present. We've been working for 3-4 months now and I'm noticing a difference, though I still have breakthroughs of pain/anxiety/tension related to my childhood/teen trauma.
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Does anyone else feel fine until they start to dwell on how abnormal they are? I start thinking on my life and though I've accomplished a lot at 23, I feel like my childhood and teenage years were stolen from me. This, in turn, has caused me to be different in comparison with most people. My therapist, literally, has to teach me things that my parents should have taught me growing up, but they were too unhealthy and abusive to be good parents.

I think I use television to pass the time a lot because it keep me from dwelling on life, but when I turned it off today, I started thinking about what all I missed out on:

- I never got to go out (not even once) while in high school because my mom wouldn't let me

- She always told me that all men were ****, marriage was a game, and men couldn't be trusted, so it took me a while to let go of that lie

- She didn't let me go to sleepovers and so I was an outcast

- She dressed me in ugly clothes and kept me ugly and outdated in school as a manipulation

- She called me a slut for looking at porn when I was a teen. I was a virgin that was naturally curious and when she found out, she made my life hell, projecting all her issues on me, calling me *****, slut, etc.

- She controlled the few relationships I had by not letting me go out sometimes, threatening to kick me out of the house if I continued to date the guy, lied to me about my boyfriend, pushed me to dump them, would beat on my door and make me get off the phone with them, etc.

- She controlled my money and I would have to ask permission to use my paycheck for things and she wouldn't let me have the online banking password

- She made me believe that my self worth was based on my performance in school, which is why I became Valedictorian

- She made me believe my self worth was also based on having my nails done and my hair done to cover up how ugly she made me feel

- She would find random reasons to scream at me or slap me for

There was so much abuse going on. To this day, it affects me. I'm a loner because it's my comfort zone. I wasn't allowed to go out and socialize with friends in childhood and my teens. I wasn't allowed sleepovers. I wasn't allowed to date. I wasn't allowed to explore my sexuality without feeling guilty. I wasn't allowed to grow up normally. I wasn't allowed to make mistakes.

How has it affected me now? Today, I've been sorta numb because everything somehow got triggered in my mind, which set off the depressive feelings that arise when I realize how much I've missed and how it has made me irreparably different.

I have picked men like my mom for so many years because of having my self worth berated and thinking I deserved to be treated that way. I didn't know any better.

I have no self-esteem and constantly dress myself in baggy clothes, which make me feel good at first, but actually make me look bigger, only continuing my self-esteem issues and insecurity about my chubby body.

I don't know how to be secure, yet dependent on someone in a relationship. Getting close to someone and letting them in fully scares me to death. Even the exes that were bad news always said I didn't act like a girlfriend...because I couldn't open up.

I don't know a lot of dating social cues because I was never allowed to experience the heartbreak/dating part of your teenage years like everyone else. That's why everyone my age is starting to settle down and marry and I feel like I'm just learning the lessons your learn as a teen.

I don't know when someone's flirting with me, so I can be awkward and not realize it, taking them seriously and making a fool out of myself, especially when it's flirting encompassed around a joke.

I don't talk to my family on a regular basis. My therapist says it's the best thing I can do because they won't change and it triggers me to talk to them, especially because my stepmother says things to see me upset. I have cut my mom out of my life for good. I sparingly talk to my dad and stepmom, who are vastly unhealthy individuals. I don't have that comfort, love, and support that most people do.

I have to think of rape and domination fantasies to help me get off. That's how deeply rooted my feelings of being worthless are and how deeply rooted my shame for my sexuality is. Though on a more surface-level basis, I am very comfortable with sex and how I feel about it now, as I have formed my own opinions.

As I sit here in bed, typing away at this when I should be working on my lesson plans for the week (yes, I'm a teacher), I just feel empty, which I know is probably my defense mechanism kicking in to shield me from the vast pain that has somehow been triggered today.

I am getting better in therapy and I'm such a happier person, but deep down, I can't shake the fear of never becoming normal enough to love myself, find someone who loves me, and to fully love and trust another human being.

My townhouse is so empty and I long so bad to have a man in my life to cook for, share my day with, and to love. Knowing that I'm too flawed for that right now tears me to pieces. I see everyone my age in relationships, happily married, etc., and I'm sitting here single for almost 4 years with some not-so-nice and crazy guys in-between that I lucky saw through after a while.

Today, I hit that low by questioning if I'd ever heal enough to feel normal and let go of my past. Is my therapy worthless? Am I trying to change something that cannot be changed? Did I lose so much of my early years that I'll never be normal? Will this gaping hole in my soul ever be healed?

Why do I get up and try every day when I am so flawed and unhappy? When will it all be worth it? When will someone come into my life and treat me well, loving me for who I am?

Why out of everyone in the universe did I get chosen to be the outcast who lives life alone, staring in from the outside on the lives of people who have what I want: LOVE?

How could anyone love someone as flawed as me?

[Skeezyks]

Hello abnormallady: I'm sorry you are having so much difficulty. I would simply like to send some warm wishes your way with the hope that you will find deep peace in your life.

[nicoleflynn]

You were programmed to believe those things; none of them are true....as adults we have to DE-program ourselves. There is nothing wrong with you, except that you are in pain Stay in therapy and perhaps keep a journal; then you can look back and see how far you have come. hugs

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I can't say I know just what it's like, but I've certainly experienced similar "backwardness". It's mortifying and frustrating to realize you're learning, as an adult, things others learned naturally growing up, or to just have constant memories of control.

Best to get over the victim mentality though. It's weak and only makes you worse.

Originally Posted by abnormallady

How could anyone love someone as flawed as me?

First of all, I read your whole post and am so sorry that you had to grow up in all that! ...

To answer your last question, and at the risk of sounding cliche ...

It begins with learning to love ourselves first - especially those parts we think are flawed, ugly, broken!

These are the parts that helped us to survive it all in the first place ...







Embrace Them Mightily!

Wishing You The Best Throughout Your Healing Journey!