[FallenIntoDarkness]

Well, I was the victim of a terribly abusive relationship that lasted almost three years. It was not only physical (where she would hit me), but mentally, financially, and emotionally as well.

One example is when I was playing a game with my roommate and my friend, and she came storming into my house. She interrogated me, demanding why I wasn't instead making plans with her. She slapped me across the face after I told her that I'm just simply with friends, and she slammed the door, breaking it (resulting in me having to pay for the damages).

Financially - she was completely financially dependent on me. When we did live together eventually (bad decision), she demanded that I buy things for her or else she would start flirting with other guys and showing that "other guys are interested in her too".

She also did a variety of other things such as cheating on me, claiming it was rape, then subsequently denying it while having dinner with the "perpetrator" the next day. Completely knocking me off balance mentally for a good few months.

Not to mention the countless times when we were together and I would see her phone light up with messages from other men (sexually suggestive, indicative of a reply to another message).

After I tried to get back together with her after we broke up (bad decision again), I found her with another guy, literally a day after we were back together. Me, questioning it, resulted in her sister blowing up on me and threatening me. Me, being an idiot, responded accordingly by threatening back. However, they called the police and I was subsequently arrested and jailed for a week (while I was waiting for bail conditions).

After I was released, I was in utter disarray and couldn't get out of bed to save my life. I worked midnights full time to cover my legal fees and I, quite honestly, attempted suicide many times.

Two years later, I'm out in my own apartment with roommates while my charges were dismissed. However, there are still nights when everything comes flashing back, like a train about to hit me and I become completely useless during this time. I can go from staring into space to curling in a corner and crying for an hour. It seems to happen more often when I'm stressed out.

I've met other people, but I haven't been able to develop a meaningful relationship with them. Either I do not develop a connection for fear of it, or I just simply feel nothing at all. When it does happen, they end up feeling I am too much to handle; too much baggage once they find out my past.

These experiences have honestly ruined my academia. I made it easily into a Pre-Med program coming out of university with a 90% average. However, my former partner compromised my marks immediately, resulting in me going from a 90% average to a 65% average. During the time after my imprisonment, it lowered to around a 55% average. My marks have slowly improved overtime, with my lowest being 65% from then to an average of mid-70s now. It's frustrating to know that I have the ability to perform at a high level (80%+), but I have so many mental barriers blocking me from doing so. As such, I've had to make secondary plans such as going into Nursing school as opposed to Medicine.

Does anyone have any experience with past abuse and how it has healed them?

[PumpkinPieHead]

Sorry you're having a rough time love. Your ex sounds like she is from down under...as in hell. Keep reassuring yourself that her behavior is no reflection of you and who you are. You are smart, you are worth it and don't give up on med school.

[nicoleflynn]

Abuse doesn't define who you are. YOU get to do that; perhaps therapy could help. Also,you don't need to tell anyone about the abuse. Sadly, it is all too common. Keep living your life and do what you want to. I was abused as a child and then for 31 years in a marriage. I used my life story and won a scholarship.

So, it sounds like you were dating a narcissist. These are very toxic people that thrive on making others miserable -all their self worth is about having power and control over other people. And, narcissists cannot be reformed. Receivers of narcissistic abuse become traumatized with PTSD. Your post hints at that.
Please search YouTube for "Thrive After Abuse", Richard Grannon, Lisa Romano. Google articles on Narscissists. If your ex is indeed one of these people, a key to healing is really getting your head wrapped around it and then moving forward. Therapy can help.

You cannot see this now, but great, unforeseen opportunities appear for people on rough roads . . . I understand how distressing your educational issues are, but a great future is still awaiting for you. It's just not going the way you had planned.

Thanks for reaching out.