[lovehel]

We have been going out 6 years, I met him when I was 17.
First of all, I do have anger issues due to things I have been through in my past and when I drink it tends to bring out the worst in me.
Nothing ever got physical before three years ago now, he was hiding talking to his ex from me, meeting her behind my back, I felt so betrayed, I pushed his back while he was sitting at the computer, he looked really angry and said "do it again", the fact he was threatening me, bothered me, so I did. Next thing all hell breaks loose, I was slammed on the bed, I end up kicking him, pinching him, grabbing his hair, he held me down slapped me grabbed my hair when I tried to get away, I was not backing down, and it was dangerous. He claims it was my fault for starting it, but it scared me how angry he could get easily. There was no drink involved this time, and he claims he was defending himself to this day. I ended up leaving his house and had to be picked up sobbing by my mom and sister, they were extremely worried, I felt terrible.
After this, we were at a party and his friend kept talking about another ex of his for about 15 mins, there was drink involved and I got into a drunk rage when he dropped me home that I have never had before, I pushed him, hit him, took his glasses and felt like breaking them so much but didn't, I felt such hatred towards him. He didn't fight back, and the next day I was in shock at how I behaved, I never felt so bad in my life. I apologized prefusely, and have never drank that much again. Recently he told me he told his friends about this, I was upset that he would humiliate me like that, and did feel it was disloyal. he said that he wasn't going to be "like a beaten wife, hiding the abuse".
I regret these times because I acted like my drunk father, something I always despised, and that hurt me deeply.
Now he always brings up these times horrible situations, whenever I feel he has done anything wrong, he says well remember when... and it does sound a lot worse than anything he is doing, so I end up feeling like a horrible person, thats lucky to even have him.
He has done things on a more constant basis that I feel is disrespectful, He would sometimes pretend to play fight, which was actually about humiliating me, he would be walking behind and shove my shoulders with his hands, almost tripping me. Everyone would stare. I got upset, he said you could have done it back, it was a joke.
I would try and have a conversation in a restaurant about a problem, he would talk about womens bodies really loudly, use the word cck, tts, put his fist up to my face as the waiter was there. When I looked shocked, he thought it was funny and said grow up,you're so reserved.
One of the things that really bothers me is this girl he has been jamming with for a year who I have never met,
She has sent him msgs with crying emoticons saying she misses him.
She says she falls in love with music every time she hears him. She feels cosy with him. That she has grown so much since she has met him. They send each other sweet messages.
He offered to cook for her when she was sick, they have been hanging out in his car alone.He has gone to doctors to get sick notes for her. I told him how weird it was, he said he is a good person and wanted to help her, and that I am just jealous. I found msgs he sent his friend saying he has mixed feelings for her, he hasn't seen a signal yet, he passed it off as a dirty joke, that he was single at the time and made me out to be over reacting.
Whenever I bring it up he just rolls his eyes like here we go again, calls me names like bipolar, psycho, tells me I embarrass him in front of people, thinks I am crazy jealous and immature so until I calm down he won't invite me. He said if I was to do that with another man he wouldn't mind, and he would trust me if I said we are just friends.
It seems no matter how sorry I am none of the mistakes I made will ever go away, and no matter how much he has hurt me, it is because I am crazy apparently and nothing to do with him?
He has told me he is not willing to quit the band he is in with this person he refuses I meet until I "calm down", that I am unreasonable. At this point I don't know if I can ever be around him or his friends after he has painted should an awful picture of me? and if I am so horrible, why does he want to be with me?

[nicoleflynn]

PLEASE read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. We all choose our behavior and he is abusing you. Hewants to be with you because you are his punching bag. xo

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I'll just lay this down right now: break up. Soon. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he doesn't actually want you for any kind of real relationship, and you clearly feel hurt by him. Don't keep living like this.

No, it won't be easy, certainly not if the two of you have been together for 6 years. I wouldn't be surprised if that's why both are allowing it to go on: sunk costs. It's becoming normalized. He's used to seeing you as his obnoxious, crazy little punching bag, and you're getting used to his mistreatment. Don't let this go on - I can't give you specific advice for breaking it off, but others probably can. There are resources out there; try searching "leaving an abusive boyfriend" or something similar. If you think you're in danger if you leave, approach a domestic shelter or legal authorities for advice.

Getting out of there is your top priority for your own safety and happiness.

So much here says the relationship is over. Period. And if you are looking to place blame then it is on the both of you. Your boyfriend needs to own his bad behavior and you need to own yours. If I may speak honestly, from what you have said it is your physical attacks on him primed the relationship for destruction.

The upside? You are learning some valuable lessons early in life. Free yourself of this broken relationship and work on healing your internal issues so that happiness is attainable for you in the future. My view is that how a person behaves when they are drinking is absolutely a window into how a person really is. This is based on my observations over the years and has proved to be a very reliable barometer for me personally. I would think that with the right therapy and a commitment to freeing yourself of the unresolved issues from childhood, you would not be condemned to being this physically reactionary person you currently seem to be. Ultimately, it's not the alcohol that is the problem, but the unresolved scars, hurt, and anger you have. Even if you were to meet the "ideal" man who did not directly provoke your anger, I think you would really be short-changing yourself not to pursue Self healing.

I am very sorry your father was real ***** - dysfunctional family members always leave their marks on the rest of us, in one form or another. I hope my response doesn't feel like an attack on you, and you can take it in the spirit it's intended . . . I wish for you a very positive future!