[Gentle Lamb]

Once again my husband and I, had another fight, the good thing is that I didn't get angry nor did he intimidate me, not this time.

We have been married 42 yrs this June. I have no work history, no credit, no money, no one to turn to or stay with were I to leave. Then to make matters worse I am sick physically and in need of medical care which his insurance provides. And I struggle with major depression and anxiety.

He is a narcissist who loves to use gas-lighting against me (been going on all of these years_I just learned what it is called), I could never pinpoint it nor name it until now! Well, 42 yrs of long term damage from this form of abuse and his many other techniques of mental and emotional abuse has me seriously broken down!!!!!!!!!!!!

My self-confidence has been destroyed, and I am terribly confused, feel helpless and hopeless; trapped! I want to leave but cannot see my way out. He will LOVE THIS, that feeds his narcissium.

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

The above describes me to a tee!

[Mondayschild]

I'm so sorry you have had to endure this for such a long time. With all the issues that essentially make you feel like your stuck, maybe try seeing a counselor.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

[nicoleflynn]

I stayed with an abuser fr 31 years. You can pm me if you like; I am a moderator of an abused survivors' group. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. There IS help for you; there are so many women living as you are. One quick tip: STOP sharing anything with him (they are emotional vampires and LIVE to torture you). Can you see a therapist? Call an abuse hotline; call a hospital and ask to speak to a social worker; I can give you more informaation, if you PM me (or email: wacalice@aol.com); put psych. in the subject line so I won't delete it. It CAN get better...xoo

[vonmoxie]

A therapist of mine used to refer to the same process that gaslighting describes, as crazy-making. After years of hearing hordes of people spout off the premise that no one else can make us feel any particular way, and everything that happens in one's life is as we destine it to be through our own actions... bla bla bla, there is some truth in these ideas but they are far from absolute, as anyone who's been gaslighted, manipulated, etc. by family members and others close to us knows.

I think you are very blessed just to be able to see his actions clearly, even if after many years .. for me it took being away from the pure narcissist I was once involved with (for about 7 years) for a long period of time (an accident of fate due to his taking a job in another state while I still had to fulfill a project commitment where we were living) to even realize at all how unhappy I was, how I hadn't breathed freely in years. He had manipulated me into what was eventually near-total isolation from my family, from my old friends, from making any new friends, without my even realizing he was doing it. My biggest mistake at the time was telling him I thought the time apart would be good for us, which threw him into a vindictive frenzy that nearly resulted in his committing various punishable crimes against me. I ended up hiding out in a cheap hotel room for 3 weeks while he ransacked the house looking for evidence of another man (after all what else could cause me to want to be away from him? couldn't be him, mr. perfect...). When he finally went back to where his new job was I went home and started planning for a new life. Which was for the best, but if I could go back in time I would have been more secretive about my feelings, and made my plans under the radar.

One of the things that really bothered me about the whole thing was the idea of how much time I'd wasted being subjugated, put down, etc. but eventually as I separated myself further and further from him I came to realize that even while I was in the situation with him, I was always learning and becoming the person I was meant to be, though perhaps silently and in spite of his not encouraging me to do so.

Wishing you strength in your journey.. which it sounds like you are gaining, that you got through the fight you mentioned without becoming emotionally manipulated. Nicole is right, it can get better