[dcs_no1_fan]

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this or not.
While with my ex husband in bed there were a lot of times when he wanted to have sex and I didn't, he will try over and over to have it even though I would say no, he would carry on and I would keep telling him over and over that I don't want to have sex with him at the that moment in time, in the end he would put that much pressure on me to have it that I would end up giving in and let him have sex with me, while he was doing this I'm just laying there crying and screaming no inside my head because it's not what I wanted to do, he would also do the same thing to have **** sex with me as well.

I'm now with someone else, last night while having sex he jokingly said to me about having **** sex with him I told him no and he asked again and I still said no he asked again and again I said no but this time I froze as the memories came flooding back from being with my ex my o.h noticed that I had done that and I couldn't tell him, in the end I did tell him what had happened in the past with my ex and that I didn't want to tell him because he hates my ex as it is because of how he treated me, all he could do after that was hold me telling me over and over how sorry he was that he had done that, he respects me enough that if I say no he will not make me do anything I don't want too.

But with my ex he would carry on until I gave in would that be classed as rape or just that he didn't respect me because in the end I let him do it?.

[Cleo6]

Hi yeah that's rape I'm sorry you've gone through that my ex use to do that and I'm still finding it really hard to admit that really it was rather than me being at fault

[MiddayNap]

I would classify the situation as coercion, as the guilty party got the "yes" from you, thus satisfying the criteria that both parties "consent", for lack of a better term. That by no means suggests it was actually consensual, mind you, but that he manipulated you emotionally into giving in and could therefore convince himself you gave the OK. "Well, she did say yes!" That sort of thinking. Such events can cause emotional trauma-as it clearly has in your case-and the like, so it is by no means something to be brushed away. It is a traumatic event.
In conclusion:
Rape is forcing sex with the absence of a "yes".
Coercion is forcing sex with a "yes" gained through manipulative means.
Both are committed by horrible people with no respect for their fellow humans.

[dcs_no1_fan]

Originally Posted by Cleo6

Hi yeah that's rape I'm sorry you've gone through that my ex use to do that and I'm still finding it really hard to admit that really it was rather than me being at fault

I'm sorry to hear you went through it as well, I'm trying to get my head round that my ex husband could do that to me.

[dcs_no1_fan]

Originally Posted by MiddayNap

I would classify the situation as coercion, as the guilty party got the "yes" from you, thus satisfying the criteria that both parties "consent", for lack of a better term. That by no means suggests it was actually consensual, mind you, but that he manipulated you emotionally into giving in and could therefore convince himself you gave the OK. "Well, she did say yes!" That sort of thinking. Such events can cause emotional trauma-as it clearly has in your case-and the like, so it is by no means something to be brushed away. It is a traumatic event.
In conclusion:
Rape is forcing sex with the absence of a "yes".
Coercion is forcing sex with a "yes" gained through manipulative means.
Both are committed by horrible people with no respect for their fellow humans.

I never said yes to him I just stopped saying no and pushing him away even though I had told him no about 5-6 times, in the end he took that as he could have sex with me even though I just laid there sobbing or crying to myself while he had sex with me.

[MiddayNap]

Originally Posted by dcs_no1_fan

I never said yes to him I just stopped saying no and pushing him away even though I had told him no about 5-6 times, in the end he took that as he could have sex with me even though I just laid there sobbing or crying to myself while he had sex with me.

You wrote that, in the end, you "let him have sex" with you, which I took as indication you gave him some form of consent. Again, it was not actual consent due to the methods he used to obtain it. By that did you mean you simply stopped fighting his advances because it seemed pointless, rather than you gave consent? I feel both would cause a woman to cry, so that information does not aid my understanding. Then again, my understanding is not really important, as it was you who asked the question and went through the traumatic situation.

[Cleo6]

I remember asking my ex once why he carried on even though he could see I was crying and not looking at him and just said he didn't know why he didn't stop. I don't understand how they can enjoy something that is clearly upsetting the other person. He wouldn't of done it out in public and definately shouldn't do it during sex. Have you seen the cup of tea consent video. It's really good and I would recommend watching it

[Pflaumenkeks]

In my country rape is (in legal terms) an extreme form of coercion. The requirements are met if there was penetration.

So this situation is rape.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I experienced similar and are currently in trauma therapy.
I hope you have supporting and loving people that surround you.

[dcs_no1_fan]

Originally Posted by MiddayNap

You wrote that, in the end, you "let him have sex" with you, which I took as indication you gave him some form of consent. Again, it was not actual consent due to the methods he used to obtain it. By that did you mean you simply stopped fighting his advances because it seemed pointless, rather than you gave consent? I feel both would cause a woman to cry, so that information does not aid my understanding. Then again, my understanding is not really important, as it was you who asked the question and went through the traumatic situation.

I just stopped telling him no and stopped pushing him away because he was not taking any notice of what I was saying and doing even though I had told him over and over and over no or no I don't want to have sex with him.

[dcs_no1_fan]

Originally Posted by Cleo6

I remember asking my ex once why he carried on even though he could see I was crying and not looking at him and just said he didn't know why he didn't stop. I don't understand how they can enjoy something that is clearly upsetting the other person. He wouldn't of done it out in public and definately shouldn't do it during sex. Have you seen the cup of tea consent video. It's really good and I would recommend watching it

I can't understand why they would carry on either if you are upset over what they are doing to you, I know if I was to say anything to my ex he would deny that it ever happened, no I haven't seen it I will have to have a look at it, I still can't get my head round him doing that to me.

[dcs_no1_fan]

Originally Posted by Pflaumenkeks

In my country rape is (in legal terms) an extreme form of coercion. The requirements are met if there was penetration.

So this situation is rape.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I experienced similar and are currently in trauma therapy.
I hope you have supporting and loving people that surround you.

I'm sorry you went through something similar, the only other person that knows about this is my fiancé he only knows because as I said in my post he was mucking around and I froze because of what he done, I had never told him about that happening to me before the other night but as soon as he done it and how I reacted he stopped and asked me what was wrong, I didn't want to tell him because of how he feels about my ex husband anyway but he got me to tell him in the end, he's been amazing about it he just wishes I had told him sooner as we have been together a year and a half but he understands why I didn't tell him before.

Originally Posted by Cleo6

I remember asking my ex once why he carried on even though he could see I was crying and not looking at him and just said he didn't know why he didn't stop. I don't understand how they can enjoy something that is clearly upsetting the other person. He wouldn't of done it out in public and definately shouldn't do it during sex. Have you seen the cup of tea consent video. It's really good and I would recommend watching it

He knew exactly why he didn't stop- the power and control was what he thrived on.

[dcs_no1_fan]

I'm still trying to get my head round this, the more I have looked into it the more I can see now that he did rape me, my heads a mess I don't know what to do.

[Pflaumenkeks]

Do you have someone you can talk to? For me it got better the more I accepted what happenend and, more important, that it wasn't my fault.

It's not yours either.

If you have the ‎opportunity I can highly recommend seeing a councellor or similar. Talking with other survivors is also a good way of not feeling alone and finding stength again.

*hugs if wanted*

I am glad you are here. I am glad that you found the strength to talk about it.

[Cleo6]

Have you got any rape centres near you? They have helplines you can phone so you can tell them how you are feeling. I've never been brave enough and alway hang up before they answer or just after they speak as I freeze. They can also do counselling. I'm also a member on pandys forum and they have a whole section on relationship rape as well as loads other and I find that really helpful as everyone has experienced it so can understand and it feels safe as its members only

[dcs_no1_fan]

No I don't have anyone I can talk to other than my fiancé, it's hard to talk to him because he hates the though of me going through that for over 13 yrs and there is nothing he can do about it, I don't know who to turn to about this and I don't know if there are any support centres where I am, I am still trying to get into my head that I was so stupid that I couldn't see what he was doing to me.

[Pflaumenkeks]

Don't blame yourself. We have this picture of a stranger in a dark passage. They nearly never tell us that most of the time the perpetrator is someone you're close to. So it's only natural to just not believe it - I mean, this person loves you, why would he do that?
It can take time to get something like that inside your head. Don't beat yourself up for it.

[dcs_no1_fan]

Originally Posted by Pflaumenkeks

Don't blame yourself. We have this picture of a stranger in a dark passage. They nearly never tell us that most of the time the perpetrator is someone you're close to. So it's only natural to just not believe it - I mean, this person loves you, why would he do that?
It can take time to get something like that inside your head. Don't beat yourself up for it.

Thank you, I was (is) as he still puts it the love of his life who would do anything to make me happy, so how can he do that to me, as I said I can't get my head round that I didn't see what he was doing to me, I would tell him no over and over and over in the end I would stop telling him and stop pushing him away because he wasn't listening to me so I just let him get on with what he wanted then he would leave me alone, I should have seen it was wrong what he was doing to me, I should have known I feel so stupid that I didn't see it, I don't feel like I can do anything about it because no one will believe me over such a wonderful husband and dad, I know it will be looked at as just another way of me hurting him for making me unhappy, no one knew how unhappy I was in my marriage up until I ended it.