[aarya10]

This post is going to contain details on child disciplining, so please don't read if you're triggered by details.

I come from Asia, where beating your child is seen as a norm. And regardless of severity, all forms of child beating is seen as the same and therefore, not taken seriously at all. It's part of the culture I'm from. It's considered normal.

I spoke to my therapist about it and she shrugged it off before I could elaborate on my experience, saying "it's normal to have been beating as a kid. It's not a big deal.'. The thing is... this is what I've been told by everyone. My friends, my family, everyone. It makes me feel like I'm being too sensitive about the whole thing and I should be more grateful to my father.

When I was a little girl, from the age of 6 to when I was a teenager, my father used to beat me. A lot, almost every day. I don't mean spanking, I mean full-on beating. And it was usually for the pettiest things like not washing the dishes or watching the television.

He'd slap me so hard my face would bruise; he'd punch me in chest; he used canes and belts on me too (he used them more than he used his hands) until I couldn't sit for days. Throw his shoe at me.

I remember asking him if I could hang out with my friend and he beat me for asking that too. I wasn't allowed to do anything. He was also very verbally abusive, when he yelled at me, the entire neighborhood would know. He would track what I did online and didn't let me chat with my friends because he didn't trust me. He scold me all the time, he's always angry about something, I can count the times I've had a normal conversation with him.

When I was 16 and my mental illnesses started becoming more severe, I asked him if I could see a professional and he got so, so angry. He called me horrible things and until today he refuses to acknowledge that I'm mentally ill. He thinks I'm choosing to be this way.

But the problem is... he cares about me. A lot. I'm sure he'd die for me if it ever came to that. He pays for my education, he feeds me, he makes sure I have everything. He loves me and I love him too. But I also hate him, and that makes me feel so guilty.

He never gave me a chance to be a kid and learn/experience things, and now I'm an adult and I don't even know how to talk to people. I also feel so guilty calling what he did to be abuse, because I don't think he even knows it's bad.

I don't know what to think. I'm so sorry this is so long.

[skeksi]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I understand why you feel conflicted.

Parents can inflict harm out of their ignorance. You can see your father's actions through a cultural lens and recognize that it is accepted and persists in your culture, but that doesn't mean it is right or okay or not terrifying and painful for you.

Is there any way you could seek out a therapist who might be more receptive to helping you deal with this history? Maybe someone from a different culture who won't see it as routine?

[aarya10]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I'm sorry that happened to you. I understand why you feel conflicted.

Parents can inflict harm out of their ignorance. You can see your father's actions through a cultural lens and recognize that it is accepted and persists in your culture, but that doesn't mean it is right or okay or not terrifying and painful for you.

Is there any way you could seek out a therapist who might be more receptive to helping you deal with this history? Maybe someone from a different culture who won't see it as routine?

Thank you for replying.

My main problem is allowing myself to acknowledge it as abuse, but I was terribly affected by it but everyone around me keeps making me feel like I'm being too sensitive.

I know in the West, parents have been arrested for just spanking. I just feel like it's unfair and therefore, I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about my pain.

Mental health services here suck, unfortunately. I've been to many psychologists here and they're all the same and I don't think it's possible to find someone from a different culture without moving out of the country. And my father already hates that I see a therapist at all.

I'm Asian from similar culture. Hugs to you!

And what you experienced IS abuse. Sometimes entire cultures can be wrong - eg female genital mutilation, foot binding, as yes caning, slapping and beating!

[aarya10]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I'm Asian from similar culture. Hugs to you!

And what you experienced IS abuse. Sometimes entire cultures can be wrong - eg female genital mutilation, foot binding, as yes caning, slapping and beating!

Thank you for replying. Hardly anyone responded, and it made me feel like my therapist was right. She refuses to believe that what I went through was abuse and I've seen two therapists, and both of them said the same thing and I'm too embarrassed to talk about my problems to anyone anymore.

A recent huge study analysed of 50 years of studies on "spanking" defined as "open hand to butt or limbs".

It showed that spanking is bad for mental health.

What more beatings?

Also another study showed that parents which use physical punishment (spanking) on their children frequently severely underestimate how much they do it and how hard they hit, and think they hit when calm when they're actually angry. And they also hit as "first resort" for minor things.

And that's not even looking at beatings done in Asian cultures.

Even if it's "just" a few whacks (eg less than 5) it can also be bad.

Most people in my SE Asian country think beating in anger is wrong.

I kept asking my Asian clinical psychologist if I was abused and she thinks yes based on things I've told her and it is milder that what you describe!

You were beaten frequently for minor things, almost every day!!

You had marks, welts, bruising, how is that NOT physical abuse? Any person would call it domestic violence if it was your significant other doing it to you, what more a child?

The yelling , name calling, controlling - emotional abuse.

So what if he pays for your education? No offense but many parents do that - their duty, especially as we Asian families tend to value education.

But he still treats you like property, which is a mindset certain Asian parents have due to cultural mindset.

Of course you feel conflicted especially as no doubt people have told you that he loves you and you should respect him and love him - filial piety, face, family honour.

But none of it is justification for his abuse. Intent doesn't matter when he is damaging you, has already wounded and injured you!

Your therapists....sadly I have heard fellow survivors recount similar. That does not mean the therapist is right - it means the therapist is invalidating you and loyal to a cultural system which silences abuse survivors and thinks abuse is OK!

Again, like foot binding and other practices, just because it is done with the intent of love, it doesn't make it right.