[binnder]

Hello, I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place so please tell me if this should be somewhere else.

My boyfriend and I started dating around 5 months ago and the first month or so was really great, we got along really well and there weren't any red flags on my end. As we continued though, I noticed that he had a problem with me being with friends and giving attention to other people. He became paranoid and controlling very quickly, but I went along with it and tried very hard to do what he wanted me to.

Two months in or so he began lashing out at me over messaging, calling me names and saying things he knew would hurt me. He claimed it made him feel better, and that it was "transferring hurt," and I went along with it as well. The emotional abuse got worse over time, he began manipulating and calling me names over the phone and in real life, among other things.

About two months ago began the "moods" he claims to have, in short these are the moods I've observed:
- a mean mood, he will call me names, disregard my feelings, tell me he hates me/wants to break up with me, tells me to shut up when I'm crying, and physically abuses me
- a meaner mood, many of the things above but often sarcastic and condescending in the way he talks, sexually abuses me
- a depressed mood, he threatens to kill himself a lot and brings me to the river, sometimes forcing me to either talk him out of it or phone the police

There are other moods I don't really mind or that I like, like a very childish mood, and some of the traits can cross over sometimes. It's almost as though all the parts of himself split off two months ago and became their own moods/personalities. I personally believe he has some control over them and that they're manipulation on some level, when I've talked to him about this he says he thinks it could be manipulation. The physical and sexual abuse is recent (within the past month or so).

My situation feels different than those of other people's whose stories I've heard because he's not forcing me to be with him or threatening to do anything if I leave. If anything, it feels as though he wants to break up to some extent and that I'm the one making us stay together. I don't know why I don't want to leave, but I'm positive that my wants are conflicting with what I know is best for me.

I need advice because my mind has completely blocked the idea of breaking up with him, but I'm in a very abusive and dysfunctional relationship and I understand that needs to change. Thank you for reading!

[Skeezyks]

Hello binnder: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find whatever amount of time you spend here to be of benefit.

Honestly, I don't know what's going on with your boyfriend. And I also don't know why you would want to stay with someone who treats you the way you say he is treating you. From what you've written here, it sounds as though the two of you are in something of a co-dependent relationship.

I guess in some instances people can change... if they really want to... & if they really work at it. Neither of these criteria seem to apply to your bf at the present time. That being the case, if you re-read what you've written here, I think you'll see what your future with this man holds. Is that what you want? I hope not. But, under any circumstances, I wish you well...

[Pflaumenkeks]

Welcome to PC binnder

You did a great job by acknowledging that this is abuse, I wish I was that clever!

My first impuls for a suggestion would be: RUN

But I know it's not that simple and it's your decision so it's more important that you get support.

I just want to add that I know people that went to similar. Not all abusers are forcing you to be with them or threatening to do anything if you leave.
He is isolating you so I guess you don't have much other people you are close to anymore. And considering how fast this went downhill and he being "hurt" this looks like a situation were he is manouvering you into a position were you feel like you have to help him and he is a hurt soul.
He is doing this to safe you from him but deep down is his true self.
Something like that.

Maybe this isn't true for your case, but that's what I saw (and experienced) many times. If you like to help people, this setup can be a hell of a trap.

But for your situation now I think the most important step would be to stop the isolation. Especially when you'll stay with him you need support.
You need friends.
Maybe there are groups in your area for partners in abusive relationships?
The more contact you get to the outside world the more strength you can find for your further steps. May it be leaving him or staying.

Are you living together? If yes, maybe consider to move out. Go see a councellor.

In this post you can find some helpfull tipps on making first steps https://captainawkward.com/2014/10/3...-gone-too-far/
(and in this case: read the coments)

I wish you stength! You are not alone, not in your situation and not in your blockade. I hope this ends well (and imho soon) for you.
P

[nicoleflynn]

Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans (or google, verbal abuse). The key issue of an abuser is CONTROL; they feel they must control everything, and are excruciatingly insecure. Yes, please see a therapist (make sure they understand what verbal abuse is and what it DOES...sadly, some do not.

He isn't forcing you to stay, but this is called brainwashing (or look up the term, "gaslighting"); they draw you in a little at a time, and by the time you know you must leave, you are so confused. ..you can google "The wheel of violence"--also; I stayed foor 31 years, until I found that book, and then began a long journey to sanity; educating yourself is the best thing you can do... without it, you become more confused...See a therapist specifically trained in verbal abuse; read books on the subject, there is also a lot of information on the internet.

You need to be careful and not talk to him about what you are doing (if you decide to see a therapist, or become educated about abuse); abusers are insecure and full of anger.......not at you, but at whatever issues they have that they haven't. resolved.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ab...-and-abuse.htm
Abusers rarely change (unless they think they have a problem and do some long hard work with a therapist.

He is a typical abuser. They are all alike, they just have different names.

[binnder]

Thank you for the advice everyone, I'm not living with him and I'm currently going to school so I do see my friends at school, I just need to find ways for him to be okay with me going with them during other times. Co-dependant seems to fit, so I'll read more into that and see what I can do. (I might have a look for that book mentioned as well)
Thank you for the suggestions, I think I have a better understanding of what's going on and what I can do!

[makeyourself]

This man needs compassion. Tell him from the heart that whatever it is you believe in him and just listen to what he has to say but ultimately he needs to learn to help himself otherwise being with you will turn into a need, which is not healthy. By giving him compassion he will learn compassion but only if he's ready. He needs to be very honest with himself about why he is doing what he is doing and only he can answer this, don't make it your job to look after him. He needs to realize he's doing himself, it's the only way he can change it. He's conscious of the fact he's doing it which is half the battle, he just needs to know why and then practice thinking in a compassionate way toward the source of his troubles. It takes practice but it works. It's just a chemical reaction in the brain, a negative thought or belief system. To change the result of any chemical reaction, you change the chemicals or in this case thoughts and beliefs.

Of course no one can tell for sure from a post in a forum, but borderline personality disorder sounds plausible. The emotional instability and hostility isn't something very controllable, unfortunately. You can extend all the compassion, love, and ego-boosting support to a borderline but 99.9% of the time they are unchangeable. BPD and other cluster B personality disorders are notoriously difficult to address through therapy. You might want to do a little reading on the topic to be aware of what you are likely facing.

Regardless, 2 people committed should be building each other up - not one tearing down the other. I would move along.

Good luck to you.