[MtnTime2896]

Growing up, I didn't just get into fights at school and get bullied. At home I would spill a glass of water and get hit so hard in the head, face and/or body. I would watch my dad throw a vacuum at my brother and I at 4am telling us to "clean the ****ing house" (when it wasn't even dirty and we'd spent all day doing chores). I would watch my parents get wasted and start hitting each other. My mom would laugh after giving me a kidney shot that had me pissing out blood for the next twelve hours. My dad would see crumbs on the counter that I forgot to clean after making my little sister dinner that night and then listen for a solid half hour (at the very least) that I was a useless, selfish piece of **** who didn't seem to know how to do anything. I was kicked out of the house several times for shutting myself in my room (even though I did it to get away from him calling me "retarded" and he'd walk behind me all the way to my room and then kick down the door). One time in particular I was kicked out when it was 7 degrees Fahrenheit and had no where to go. I slept out in the woods that night and made a small fire (that didn't even help). My brother would beat the **** out of me. My older sister would ask me "What'd you do to set dad off now?" when I tried to talk to her about it. At school I had a teacher who made me stand in front of the class and "admit" that I was stupid and was going no where in life.
If all of these people who rarely ever met (some never did) all came to this same conclusion that I'm just a stupid, going no where, bad news, piece of ****; can they all be wrong? I've always known that I'm nothing special, hell not even average, but maybe even then I'm giving myself too much of a compliment. I **** up everything I touch and create a toxic radius around myself. Maybe I deserved it and still do.

[88Butterfly88]

So sorry to hear that. You didn't deserve any of it. You are a valuable person worth good things.

[MtnTime2896]

Sorry, I wrote this post when I was in a bad place in my head. Didn't mean to rant like that.

[Idler]

I can really empathize with the way you think about this - I've also struggled with the notion that so many people, who couldn't have shared ideas with one another since they didn't know each other, had the same low opinion of me. After all, it can't be that everyone but me are jerks, right?

I dealt with this in therapy quite a bit, and my therapist often trotted out the business about how abuse affects self esteem, and that I have a tendency to warp information so that it fits my poor self image (which itself was formed in the crucible of the cycle of abuse).

I don't really have a solution - I still struggle with this on a daily basis. I just wanted to chime in with a "me too!" and send you best wishes at getting through it.

[Deeplyhurt77]

No one deserves to be treated that way! I know someone else that has a similar story and it makes my heart ache. I can't imagine the pain you've gone through. Please note that you didn't deserve such abuse and they can't hurt you anymore.

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks guys. I just get in that mode sometimes, well, most of the time. It's like I can't stop thinking this way no matter how hard I try.

[Marylin]

You aren't bad or stupid and you don't have to put up with your dad anymore,he was cruel and nasty.Try and see yourself without the filter from their eyes nobody was very fair to you when you were growing up.I hope you are well away from all that now and doing better you should not internalize what was said about you back then and believe it.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Marylin

You aren't bad or stupid and you don't have to put up with your dad anymore,he was cruel and nasty.Try and see yourself without the filter from their eyes nobody was very fair to you when you were growing up.I hope you are well away from all that now and doing better you should not internalize what was said about you back then and believe it.

What sucks about it is the fact that he's never acknowledged what he did. When I brought it up once he basically repeated what he'd told me throughout my life. My mom apologized without me even bringing it up and our relationship went from none-existent to actually being mother and daughter. I still talk to them and everyone pretends it didn't happen except for my mom.
I really try not to think about everything, but it just kind of happens anyway. I'd rather just bury and forget like the rest of my family seemed to.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Idler

I can really empathize with the way you think about this - I've also struggled with the notion that so many people, who couldn't have shared ideas with one another since they didn't know each other, had the same low opinion of me. After all, it can't be that everyone but me are jerks, right?

I dealt with this in therapy quite a bit, and my therapist often trotted out the business about how abuse affects self esteem, and that I have a tendency to warp information so that it fits my poor self image (which itself was formed in the crucible of the cycle of abuse).

I don't really have a solution - I still struggle with this on a daily basis. I just wanted to chime in with a "me too!" and send you best wishes at getting through it.

That actually makes sense. I guess we are pretty much in the same boat here.

[Takeshi]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Sorry, I wrote this post when I was in a bad place in my head. Didn't mean to rant like that.

Please don't be, it appears that you know that you have a safe place to vent when things are tough, maybe with some luck and hard work, the memory will haunt you less, and you'll be able to manage your life, dream, achieve a goal and so forth.

Please don't mind the word 'less', I just wanted you to tell you that human memories can probably be reorganized, compartmentalized away to some extent, I don't know how it really works but you may be pulling strength out from it to overcome life's obstacles, even though the past can push you to where you'll feel like born with lesser value or something.

That's the impression I get from the words 'deserving bad things', we all can do good work, bad work, then we can think of karma and what have you, maybe some of us deserve,,,,what exactly? You may have asked yourself 'why?', it's a tough question for anyone to answer.

I think that you know that I know that you know what I'm trying to tell you here.

I'm sorry, I'm in this advanced mode and I can see the thread is rolling along, please feel better, and I hope your work's gonna pay off soon.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Deeplyhurt77

No one deserves to be treated that way! I know someone else that has a similar story and it makes my heart ache. I can't imagine the pain you've gone through. Please note that you didn't deserve such abuse and they can't hurt you anymore.

Thank you. I know they can't hurt me anymore, aside from some of the things my dad tells me during the holidays, but now I'm not a kid so it's easier to ignore. Where it's really noticeable is when someone moves too quick around me and I almost jump out of my skin and guard myself for a hit. The self-esteem thing is obviously an issue that hasn't gone away but I'm working on it.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Takeshi

Please don't be, it appears that you know that you have a safe place to vent when things are tough, maybe with some luck and hard work, the memory will haunt you less, and you'll be able to manage your life, dream, achieve a goal and so forth.

Please don't mind the word 'less', I just wanted you to tell you that human memories can probably be reorganized, compartmentalized away to some extent, I don't know how it really works but you may be pulling strength out from it to overcome life's obstacles, even though the past can push you to where you'll feel like born with lesser value or something.

That's the impression I get from the words 'deserving bad things', we all can do good work, bad work, then we can think of karma and what have you, maybe some of us deserve,,,,what exactly? You may have asked yourself 'why?', it's a tough question for anyone to answer.

I think that you know that I know that you know what I'm trying to tell you here.

I'm sorry, I'm in this advanced mode and I can see the thread is rolling along, please feel better, and I hope your work's gonna pay off soon.

I appreciate that. I know what you're saying. It's something someone close to me used say.