TRIGGER: about sex and sexual abuse

REALLY TRIGGERING.....please don't read if you will get triggered!!!!!!

Umm...i'm a little nervous posting this but I need to get it out. I was sexually abused and emotionally abused several times as a child, by males and females. The last week or so I've been extremely stress because I'm trying to find a job, i have little money right now just to cover my bills, i've been lying to my parents about having a job, and I had sex with a guy from my past who broke up with me basically told me I was too fat for him....I felt so ashamed and dirty....then over the last couple of days I've been having phone sex with guys I don't know....but it gets worse because the phone sex has been with people degrading me, and pretending that I was there little girl or a stranger and they were abusing me....and I played along....oh my gosh....i feel so dirty, I don't even like to talk about sex so why am i doing this, i feel like such a horrible person....someone who is sick and perverted and deserves to be punished and so thats what i do....i punish myself by cutting away the pain......ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I'm such a horrible person......sorry for bothering you all with this stuff I just really needed to tell someone.....

:-(

wow - it's really strange that you post this...

just recently i posted a 'personal' ad on one of the adult sex friend sites - but i'm a virgin & i don't want to have sex now! recenlty i have been SI -ing really badly & very intent on hurting myself. i feel like right now letting men have sex with me will be the ultimate form of SI for me!!!!!!! it scares me....i'm not quite at the point of going through with it....but the fact that i'm really considering it an option....scares the hell out of me!!!!!

so i understand your having phone sex and letting men treat you that way and playing along. sounds like you are doing something very similar to what i'm thinking. and i really think its just another form of self injury!!!

i do hope you are able to stop. it sounds like you are being immensely hurt by this and you don't deserve to be hurt.

(((((((((((((((((justbeingmyself))))))))))))))))))

I think it is actually pretty common among abuse survivors -- I don't know the psychology behind it, but I can tell you I certainly have issues surrounding sex after being abused -- including being attracted to people who look like my abuser.

((((hugs)))) if OK, PM if you need to talk -- I don't know if I can help, but I'll try.

Don't feel bad - I teared just reading this because I can feel your pain. A person who has self esteem and was never abused wouldn't do something like this - but you have had terrible things happen and it's what you get use to and believe in.

The part that makes me sad is that you are letting people degrade you intentionally. Do you think that little girl that was abused would deserve degradation? I don't think so. That little girl is part of you and you have done NOTHING wrong.

Please try to be kind to yourself even if you are pretending it's for that hurt little girl.

Tranquility

Thanks to both of you.....it's good to hear that I may not be a horrible person......and I was a virgin until I had sex with the guy who said I was to fat for him.....it is scarry that I'm doing this stuff....i called my pdoc and she understands me so much....she told me it was just one of the ways that I'm trying to cope with all that's going on right now.....it's just hard for me to think that I'm not some kinda of sick person and that it is just a way of coping......she talked me out of cutting and made me promise I would call her if things got worse......but then I did it all again today.....I want to do it more tonight.....I'm so ashamed, I guess it's better than suicide but it makes me feel like a freak, dirty and worthless!

Thanks tranquility....i'm trying to be kind to myself and no i don't think that little girl deserves degradation but....well I don't know why i'm doing this, i don't want to but at the same time i feel like I can't stop.....:-(

one of my ex's treated me ruff reminded me of abuse
sometimes i thought of it as comforting cos id been in that so many times before
healthy or not we have made no mistakes

I know and I'm sending you lots of healing energy and toys so you can play and have fun. How about a bottle of bubbles to just mindlessly blow? And some jacks - those are fun to play with! Then maybe some hopscotch -

Wouldn't it be fun to do those things you should have done when you were little? Maybe you should try

Tranquility

Thanks elsqueelio, I'm sorry you've been thru so much as well....i wonder why it is so comforting at times, when the abuse was so horrible.....something i just don't understand.....

Thanks for the toys Tranquility.....I wish I could enjoy them as if I were little and innocent.....I guess I don't really remember how it feels to be like that....to enjoy life like that.....I've blocked a lot of my childhood out....most of my memories are all the bad ones....

gostryter......i'm new on here and so I don't know much about you....but do you mind telling me how old you are? Really no matter your age I'm sorry you understand what I'm going thru so much.....and if you can don't give up your virginity....that is so precious and you can't get it back and it honestly isn't worth it if you are doing it as a form of SI....if you need to talk you can pm me....i don't know if I can be much help considering i'm going thru similar stuff but i'm willing to listen...

hi sweetheart - i'm pretty old to be a virgin - 32! i used to value my virginity...but i don't care much about it any more...don't care much about anything anymore....

...sometimes i forget who knows what about me! but i was actually never sexually abused (at least not that i can recall) i'm just an insanely pathetic person!!!

but i am pretty good at listening!!! and i'll definitely be here if you need to talk!!

I am such a sick, worthless, piece of sh**, that deserves to be done away with. As much as I hate what i've been doing...i did it again all day today, I even gave my phone number to complete strangers just to have phone sex with them...not only did it most of the afternoon but I'm up now at 5 am and just got thru talking to someone that was suppose to be my "daddy" and he was abusing me....what kinda of sick person am I? And i even took it a step further...i got on a web sight for bondage, and all kinds of stuff and i joined as a free member...i don't have many benefits, but i have messaged several men, and couples...to see if they were interested in doing things with a "newbie" as they would put it.....what the He** am i doing....I'm going were i've never gone before and that scares me!!!

ugh --- justbeingmyself...i hope i did plant a seed w/ my post!!!

i know what you're feeling....don't follow through with anything!! pls!!!

be careful and stay safe

pm me if you need someone to talk to

Are you in counseling? Can you call a counselor when you have the urge to do this?

You need to try to find a way to break this pattern, even if you want to do it. Either call someone - go out - write - draw - something!

Do you live alone or with someone? If with someone can they put a password block on the computer so that you only go on when someone is there with you?

Trying to think of ideas for you.....

Tranquility

Thanks Gostryter, tranquility....everyone else that replied....I called my pdoc today after reading these encouraging posts to reach out and she was busy but called me back later. I have a wonderful pdoc that understands me more than I do and is willing to share her painful experiences (to an extent)....which has helped me soooo much to know that not even my pdoc with all the degrees is without pain (not that i want her/anyone to experience pain). Anyways she really helped me a lot tonight, and I deleted all the accounts that I had set up over the last three days....blocked and deleted all emails....I'm going to change myspace, get a new e-mail address, and get a new phone number hopefully tomorrow.....I feel greatful to all that has helped even if it was in their mind such a simple gesture....i'm afraid I might have done something that would have just caused more pain and lots of regrets later....im now listening to praise/worship music that helps me to refocus and relax......

AHHHH....*laying down, closing eyes, relaxing and falling asleep feeling relieved for the first time in more than 30 hrs...or more* Nite to All.....Hope you all have sweet dreams!!!



......kari

i know this is an old post but i just read it and had to write. i feel sick and am sweating and dizzy after reading it. i understand and it terrifies me. ive been in the same situation. almost exactly the same except ive never given out my phone number. and its been with both sexes. and i sometimes get so so so afraid i will do it in real life. my head hurts. i think maybe i was feeling something similar the night a few years ago that i blacked out and woke up in a strange guys bed. it felt like SI as you say. where does this come from? anyone?
ive been working on some stuff with T recently and before i told her about a memory i have from my childhood that was possibly abuse i was doing this sometimes all day. so much. i havent done it now in a few weeks but the thought makes me feel like cutting my heart out and yet i want to so badly. its like a compulsion.
this post has really triggered me. i completely understand about feeling like a perverted freak. abhorrent and disgusting are not strong enough words for how i feel about myself. im sorry if you read this justbeingmyself that i cant offer much support. your post has just shaken me. sorry i cant help. i hope you have been being kinder to yourself since you wrote this though.
take care

Just being, I was abused as a 6 year old, and i feel like it made me sexual when i should not have been...i kept the secret my whole life till i was in my 30's. I am in therapy now and trying to remember what all happened to me, and put an end to my mental torture. I have to try to recall what he did to me and when something comes out, i find more comes out after that at times it triggers sexual feelings in me and makes me hyper sexual and causes guilt and shame in me. I hope everyone finds peace from their abuse....one thing, can anyone tell me a way to get back memories to know what happened in the past....should i pay closest attention to my dreams or what seems to ring true when i recall events. I know there's more, i just can't know for sure what and don't want to imagine it, i want to know it is truly what happened to me.

Hi JustBeingMyself, really feeling for you but the GOOD thing about this is that you realised that you were being degraded and that you didn't deserve that. And absolutely you didn't because you are NOT a horrible person.
And you have no need whatsoever to feel ashamed, you've been through some really tough times which have left some effects that you're needing to work through, it was THEM who took advantage of that so THEY should bear the blame NOT you.
It is great that you're talking to your pdoc and absolutely DON'T stop but maybe work on the trying to talk yourself out of cutting yourself too because you are NOT worthless or inside of you any of the things they or your experiences have made you feel. You are so much more than that.
And I'm sure people on here looking at your thread don't think ANY the less of you because of what you've been through or what you've done- we just want to help if we can.
Now put yourself first, you really do matter!! Allow yourself to do what's best for YOU.
I do know it can't be an easy path though, but one step at a time........
Best wishes
Alison