[Cleo6]

My brother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 5 and relapsed when I was 8. During both times I was sexually abused first time was a family member who's now dead as he use to say I needed punishing and it should of been me with cancer. The second time was by a parent at the hospital. I told my mum about the 2nd one when it was happening she told me to eat my dinner so she could get back to my brother then I was left alone at the hospital again by myself as due to his treatment I wasn't allowed into the room. When my brother got better I remember them always cuddling on the sofa and there was never space so me so I would always sit on the other sofa alone or go to my room or out. I was 11 when i started my periods and we never talked about it. I use to have to by towels out of my own pocket money once i didnt have enough so i used one of hers and she shouted at me so if i ran out after that i would just use loads of toilet roll til i could get some. At 12 I started self harming and at 14 I was drinking and regularly taking overdoses my mum found out and she just shouted at me saying why am I doing this to her I just shouted back saying I'm not doing anything to her. She threw away the empty tablet boxes but left me with the full ones and the alcohol. When I started college I joined the local gym and became obsessed with it I would go at least once a day and ended up stopping eating properly living off diet coke and apples. I lost so much weight as before then I had been binge eating for 5 years. She encouraged me to keep losing weight my dad stepped in and forced me into start eating. There's even more but it's getting to hard to write anymore. I just don't know why she couldn't love me or care I wasn't a bad kid never got into trouble at school and was quiet at home

[nicoleflynn]

I am so sorry. Sadly,there are no answers why a parent doesnt love their child....sometimes family are not blood, but the people who do love us.

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through all that That sounds absolutely awful..

At first when I read your brother had cancer I thought maybe your mum was just preoccupied with him and perhaps overwhelmed by his condition.. But the fact that she'd just tell you to finish your dinner when you told her you were sexually assaulted makes me think she must be sick somehow.. Really, that's NOT the reaction of a healthy person.

I obviously can't know what her problem was as I don't know her.. My own mother has always preferred my brother, I think it's because she likes men more than women. I don't know why.. Maybe growing up with a violent father, she never learned to love herself.. Maybe she feels women are weak because her mum didn't protect her. There are lots of possible reasons..

Just know it's not your fault. It wasn't anything you did or didn't do. Really, she sounds ill..

I'm so sorry you didn't have a loving mother

[Marylin]

Hi Cleoyour mum was awful to you I can't think of a reason why.I hope you are well away from her now and doing ok. My mother didn't love me either and used me all my life for to get her needs met,I was the parent and she acted like the child!My mother is and was a narcissist.I didn't always know this but when i found out it explained an awful lot,like why she never loved me.
Narcissistic Mother

House of Mirrors

If you read up some more about this it might help you,it did me.
It is never too late to give yourself the love and attention your mother never gave you Cleo.Love and hugs from me!

[Open Eyes]

(((Cleo6))), I am so sorry that you feel so lost and unloved. You are not the first person I have come across that struggles this way and having a sibling that suffered with a major illness where the mother's attention was focused on that sibling and the mother was distant.

Sadly, sometimes a mother can be so frightened by a child being so ill like this that they can be distant from their other child. I have even come across individuals that not only experienced this challenge but also was sexually abused too.

First of all, NONE of this is your fault and it never meant you did not deserve to be loved. For some reason a parent can get overwhelmed and get distant from their other child and the mother genuinely doesn't realize how much she is hurting that child because she is so self absorbed and frightened herself. Often a mother can struggle so much emotionally with one child that she can push the other child away unknowingly. It's alway hard on that child and it does create challenges, some of which you have described struggling with too.

Please know that it's not your fault and often a mother is so unaware that the other child does feel this way. Sometimes this rejection of the other child is from trauma because to lose a child is one of the most challenging traumatic experiences for a mother that the mother unknowingly distances from the other child out of FEAR of loving in that if something happens the pain is so unbearable. It is not unusual for a mother to say to a child that presents a challenge to her "how could you do this to me", and what she is really saying is "I am in so much pain, I can't take any more pain" and it's really not about not loving the other child, but more of what I mentioned "fear of loving and losing or facing a major loss" that is being "avoided".

What is sad in what you are describing is that no one made it a point to talk to your mother, help her with dealing with her deep fear of possibly losing a child and that she needs to make sure she doesn't hurt her other child because of this deep distrubance/fear and emotional challenge.

It isn't that she doesn't love you, it's is "fear of loving and losing" that has consumed your mother and often that can come out by distancing and anger where the mother doesn't realize the harm she is causing.

We think our adult parents are supposed to know, be worldly and strong, but the truth is often parents really do NOT know and genuinely struggle and at the same time confuse the children they are supposed to love and nurture and help to develop a healthy sense of safety and self esteem.

[Unrigged64072835]

My brother had a heart condition that caused him to pass out when he was excited or anxious. He had to have a pacemaker put in when he was 12. My parents fretted over him and didn't see too much of me. Needless to say he stayed with the parents until they died and I got booted out of the house at 18. I joined the military and did a lot of stuff. It wasn't until my mother was nearly dead that she said anything to me. My dad never did.

I can somewhat understand your situation. I was abused for quite a bit of my life and didn't get the care I should have. I'm still going through therapy as a result.

[Cleo6]

Hi thank you for all your replies. I still see her I try to keep my distance from her though as even now she constantly puts me down or makes jokes about things that I've done in the past. Had to go and see her with the kids the other day managed half an hour before I had to get out of there. I'm in therapy I've shared bits with her but some of it feels to bad to talk about then I worry if I tell she may think it's nothing and that I'm being dramatic over it

[Open Eyes]

Cleo6, a good therapist will not think what you shared here is nothing and that you are being dramatic over nothing either. What you said here is important for you to talk about and work through.