Abuse from narcissistic relatives?

Hello all. I hope everyone is okay. Ive written about my grandmother and my abuse on here before. For a long time, I've wondered if she was narcissistic but then I thought, "I'm not a clinician yet, so who am I to make that judgment call". However, in my counseling externship, I counsel groups and individuals and one of the members in my groups was giving me a lot of trouble. I spoke to my supervisor for advice and she told me the woman had narcissistic personality disorder and what to look out for and how to respond to her in a way where she doesn't feel invalidated and hurt. I knew the woman reminded me of someone but I couldn't figure out who. It didn't occur to me this weekend that the woman reminds me heavily of my grandmother.

So now I am looking into narcissism in families and seeing if it does fit her. She is extremely self-absorbed and, for example, if you tell her you had a bad day, she has to one up you and say how much worse her day was. It's sort of like a competition with her. She makes everything about herself and, somehow, when you tell her a story, she has a story exactly like that starring her and how great other people think she is. She tried to put my mom and I against each other when I was around 7/8 years old by telling us bad things about the other person. She put my mom and her sister against each other and now my mom and her sister don't even talk. However, my uncle was the golden child and could do no wrong. Even now, my grandma puts him on a pedestal.

With my grandma, everything is my fault. I can never do anything right and she has to either tell me, "Why didn't you do this/that/etc...?" I can't sweep right, I can't iron right, I can't cook right. These are all legit examples. Apparently, it was my fault my family never didn't anything when I was molested. She told me, "You should have said something" instead of "You shouldn't have been sexually abused". However, I DID say something but I was 5 and couldn't articulate the whole thing. But I did say a teenager undressed me. She just convinced my mom not to confront the perpetrator's family.

My worries are nothing but she cares a lot more for other people and strangers. With me, I am "Always making something into a problem".

She insults me but is very clever about it. Sometimes she is just upfront like, "Don't smile, you look retarded" (she said this when I was 6/7), "Your acne ruined your face" and "You're weird. If you dressed different, people would like you".

There is more, but those are the things that come to mind. I know no one on here can formally diagnose someone, but all I am asking for is for your opinion. It would be great if others who have had to deal with narcissistic family members can chime in and tell me if they see their family members in my grandma. I know NPD is on a spectrum, but I really need help with this. I have been dealing with this for 21 years and I'd like help. Thank you.

Sounds like you hit the nail on the head. So the next question is, what are you going to do about it? I can point you in the direction of several communities for survivors of narcissistic abuse as well as some books.

Actually I'd love some suggestions on communities or books that can steer me in the right direction. Thanks a lot for the offer.

Also, have you ever had to deal with narcissistic relatives? If so, how did you handle it, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm on my phone right now so I'll post some more communities and books when I get on my laptop.

For now in terms of communities you can look up BPD family, a website; thrive after abuse, it has a YouTube channel, Facebook page and website , Melanie tonia Evans has a YouTube channel, Facebook page and YouTube channel.

In terms of books there is mean mothers by peg Streep, she has a Facebook page; psychopath free by Jackson Mckenzie , he also has a website; will I ever be good enough by dr. Karyl mcbride, she has a Facebook page.

All of my relatives are narcissistic. I've gone low contact and gotten help from therapists. You might want to read my threads about narcissistic injury. I had to learn to communicate in such a way that would not provoke it.

These kinds of people, are in a word: INsecure.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, saved my life and I believe everyone on the planet should be required to read it.

I have that book too but haven't read it yet.

Thanks so much for all of your help. I'll be sure to read your threads on abuse and I'll check out that YouTube channel. I am currently getting a new therapist so I'll be sure to talk about my grandma's narcissistic behavior with her. I live with my grandma so it's hard for me to go low contact with her, as I see her everyday. But I stick to myself in my room and that sometimes helps.

Yes, I agree! However, some new studies have come out that are saying that people who are narcissistic actually get a rise out of being that way, and it's not because they're insecure. I, personally, still believe that they're insecure deep down.

If one is secure, there is no need to be abusive or controlling Secure people are busy living their lives and have no time for negativity, etc.

Yes, I had a similar experience with my aunt ! Narcissism is definitely a possibility.

My narcissist mom just euthanized my sisters cat when she was in the hospital... its making me sick and I'm not even my sister.. ......... her thought on it.. "that cat was too expensive.".. deciding for my sister for she was in the hospital and taking away the lifelong pet of her two boys.. its just wrong

I'm in a similar boat. I don't feel comfortable diagnosing my biological parents or my mom's boyfriend. I don't know what their problems are. I'm pretty sure I know, but I've decided that it doesn't matter.

I mean, my way of dealing with it is saying to myself, "I'm not their therapist. They don't want to change. What they do is wrong and hurtful. I don't owe them my attention." I ignore them as much as possible. I haven't spoken to my mother's boyfriend for several years. He'll text me about once a year asking why I'm mad at him...which blows my mind. I never answer. I changed my number last year though! No more texts!

Anyway, I only acknowledge my biological family when they are being nice. If they aren't, I ignore all contact and do not visit them. Even if they are mad at me about it.

So far, it's worked. I'm still trying to figure out family events when my sister invites them, but life is a learning process.

Oh, I read a bunch of books about how to deal with difficult people to feel more comfortable interacting with them. And - it may sound silly - but I practice speaking in the mirror. I practice what I will say and not losing my temper or crying.

Another book suggestion - Healing your emotional self - Beverley Engel.

This one is a good introduction as covers lots of different forms of emotional damage and covers dealing with any anger arising from realizing the full extent of it. One thing emotional abusers are expert at is hiding what they're doing in plain sight. Making out the abuse was all for your own good etc. It's a relief to finally break free from the controlling lies they use. And take back your own peace of mind.

What makes family abuse so awful is that we want to think the best of those closest to us - and abusers prey on that belief. They use our best motives and use them against us by striking when our guard is down. They're people who never worked through their own issues so instead project them onto others. Who attempt to bolster their own diminished sense of self by hurting, shaming and humiliating others.

The thing I'm trying to hold onto after my own experience of emotional abuse is that the resulting emotional damage requires two participants to keep it going, and I'm one - so I really need to fully recover my own self esteem to survive this and have compassion for myself. I also know that victims of narcissistic abuse often attract other narcissists into their lives - it's like we're easy targets - so boosting my own self compassion will also protect against that happening (again).

But I'm not suggesting any of that is easy. It's been a year since I suffered the ultimate attack from my family abuser and I still often get gripped by anger and confusion over what happened (which is of course exactly what they intended). There's a lot of healing still to be done.