[MtnTime2896]

Fighting. That word seems to describe most aspects of my past and my personality. At home, everyone fought (physically, verbally, psychologically). You did something wrong, it was dealt with by fist and/or emotional battery. If you didn't join the fighting...well say goodbye to your bedroom door hinges.
At school; let's just say that it felt more like Friday Fight Night, every day of the school week. I got into fights so often, they'd place bets on me. I didn't lose so it was fun for people to watch when they sent in their resident "badass".
Sure, I only lost one fight out of all of them. Sure, I was able to take some serious crap at home and seem okay. But it's like people either didn't realize or didn't care that at my very core to this day, despite how full of anger I am, I hate fighting. I never liked it. I didn't enjoy laying my fist into someone's jaw. I didn't enjoy putting that girl in the hospital. I didn't enjoy the fact that my reputation at school was basically their Rocky Balboa. I wish I could take it all back. Take back falling into being exactly what they wanted me to become. I wish so much that I could have been above it.

[Open Eyes]

The first step in finally healing and developing skills to use instead of this "fighting" that your parents instilled in you is recognizing you have a problem and have a desire to change.

[eyesclosed]

I was wondering what type of work u do. I need a job working alone. Every time a co- work bully's me I don't fly off the handle but they can tell I want to it sucks we have this fight or flight response at work u can't do anything and no one will stand by u because there afraid they will be the next one.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by eyesclosed

I was wondering what type of work u do. I need a job working alone. Every time a co- work bully's me I don't fly off the handle but they can tell I want to it sucks we have this fight or flight response at work u can't do anything and no one will stand by u because there afraid they will be the next one.

I was a cashier at Walmart but had to quit because I moved and couldn't receive a transfer in the time I needed. All customers did was treat me like I was "the help" and they also very much enjoyed taking their bad days out on me. Misery loves company, right?
I didn't have many get too far, though. I guess, without realizing it, I'd get this look in my eye like I was going to do something. Believe me, I had no intention of doing a thing to anyone without real just cause, but I don't think they really knew that. I never really had issues with any co-workers outside of one and that was simply because the kid was lazy and didn't believe he had to hold up his end of things. I think the fight or flight response would just hit me naturally and I'd have to focus on keeping myself in check. To be honest, any hostility tends to trigger me because before there was no hostility that didn't turn into violence.
I don't mean to fixate on it though. I guess I write this stuff down as a means to figure out what went wrong and why. I'm trying to sort everything out in my head. Until this year, I never even let myself process what had happened.