[TishaBuv]

I read this book by Patricia Evans, thank you Nicole Flynn for recommending.

In my marriage, the only abuse is the denial, forgetting, and withholding of affection that turned our sex life into a nightmare war zone that caused me a PTSD reaction and has me running away (huge problem).

The entire book, which talks about someone who wants to control you and says hurtful things, reminded me most of my mother. She is someone who I am able to manage a relationship with. Even though she was verbally abusive, she was a very loving and giving mother. Even though she did a lot of psychological harm to all her children and husbands, she did a lot of good and we love her (even though we hate her a little).

I never had a romantic relationship that cut me down and called me names. There was a BF fairly recently (long story) who started spewing names at me, every insulting name under the sun, and I told him that was the last time he would ever talk to me like that, and it was. I immediately told him I would not allow him to speak to me that way, he said 'too bad, I'll say whatever I want' and I said, 'no you won't, we're through'. And that was that.

As I am up again in the middle of the night, knowing how exhausting it is to think about how unfixable my marriage is and trying to understand why, I know it is abusive. I blame myself and I blame him.

I might have BPD, OCD, PTSD, Depression. So I ponder how if it is having those MI's caused my marital problem. However, he is doing/not doing real actions that are causing the problem. So, how can me having MI be causing him to be the one doing things to me to cause me hysteria?

Anyway, the only thing for me to do is what I have done, which is get away from him. I am so sad and feel like a failure. But I am safe and happier to be alone than to be tortured.

Yes, I feel like I am trying to be a survivor of abuse. I am not a survivor of this yet. I am trying to save my life.

I'm not being over dramatic. Two days ago, I OD'd and drove. Somehow I made it home and threw up then passed out for hours and woke up again. I really didn't think about what I was doing when I did it. I just did it.

The psychological abuse my husband is covertly giving me is incredible. Last night he told me that he is the one with the problem (anxiety) and somehow I worked this up to be more about me (getting hysterical) rather than helping him.

[TishaBuv]

Not proud. I can be verbally abusive myself. But I couldn't hold back from getting in the zinger. I called him to have it out early this morning because I am so angry and scared.

I said, "I may have all these MI's, but my problem is not the MI's. I do amazingly well considering. My problem is getting hysterical over the action you keep doing to me. I am not making that up. You really are tormenting me and I didn't have all these MI's before I knew you."

He said "Yes you did. You had the unrequited love thing over the ex bfs".

I said, "but nothing like this. Nobody was as lame and horrible as you."

This whole marriage has been so abusive. What happened here?

1. He did not act in the way that felt physically loving to me. Instead, the way he physically loved me, made me feel bad.

2. I explained what I needed and asked for it.

3. He did every extreme but what I asked for and acted like he didn't understand.

4. Eventually, I became hysterical every time he acted not in the way I asked for.

5. I used everything I could to explain my needs over and over.

6. He said he understood and would comply.

7. Repeat from #3 over and over and over.....

[leomama]

I couldn't even read your whole post.
When you say your husband withholds sex it sounds like your describing a cerebral narc.
I also checked out that book.

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[nicoleflynn]

You are so welcome! I find myself recommending that book at least once a day; I belileve it should be required reading for everyone. 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted and it all begins with verbal assault. I presented my paper (Society's Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault0, if you would like to read it, you can pm me with your e-mail address. Abuse causes physical illnesses also. Every time you are under stress, the body releases cortisol; cortisol damages the immune system; it is a wonder that after 31 years of abuse (physical, also) that I didn't die.

Another helpful book I found: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum.

The one sentence that helped me the most; "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.......win."

I hope you will, xo

[leomama]

I'm working on it.
You're an academic?

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[nicoleflynn]

A little "secret"--abusers NEED a constant supply of you (the abused) explaining yourself, ourselves, once you understand that you can stop. I finally got that clue and did just that. Knowing the difference between our stuff...and their stuff is important....responding to abuse validates their craziness.

[leomama]

They often accuse us of being the emotionally abusive one. This is a very difficult situation you are in. The question to ask yourself is what is he doing that is causing you to act this way? Is he violating one of your core values?

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[TishaBuv]

He's saying he loves me, but not giving me love. He's refused to love me, unless he can cause me pain first.

I told him how I took the two mixed meds yesterday then drove, making it home and throwing it up, then sleeping it off because I am so upset over this.

He said 'yeah, that's bad'. Then he says it's most important for our son to stay in our house and I should cone back in our house and he'll go sleep in the other room.

I say no, I do't want that. I want him out f the picture. And my son and I can sleep in either house. The new one is fine. At least it's not haunted with bad memories.

[leomama]

Tisha he's reading your posts on pc. How is that helpful to you , him or your marriage?

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[TishaBuv]

It's so sad to live 20 years in a house, raise your children, and have bitter memories. Crying every week, crying. This pretty house, never rally enjoyed, always looming sadness.
This wasn't how I'd dreamed it would be. This man killed my spirit. He had to really hate me.

[nicoleflynn]

He is violating human values......love doesn't hurt

Abuse is a human rights violation.

[nicoleflynn]

Actually he didn't hate you. That is what people don't understand. Abusers hate themselves and take that all out on the person they are supposed to love. Abusers have issues they are often unaware of...they take their anger and frustration out on others, instead of being responsible and getting help.

[TishaBuv]

There's nothing I could say that he'd care about anyway. Nothing would have made him change. He knew it ment the world to me. I'd have done an6thing for him. He just couldn't put my needs first.

Even today, after I told him I had od'd and could have died, he said 'oh, that is bad' then turned around and said I should come back and stay in he house with him so our son could have me stay in th house.

I said to him that he needs to go and b out of th picture because he will never stop this torment of me.

[TishaBuv]

And here I wake up after zonking myself out with a pill and my first thought is I wish it were all just a bad dream and we were together and happy and he didn't do this to me!

[TishaBuv]

How do you deal with a life time of things in your house and memories that are tainted by my hysterical tears. Everything was always ruined. Beautiful parties we made, me concealing swollen red eyes. Always dreaming of the day I could finally escape. Knowing the struggle would never resolve.

The heaviness on my chest to have to pack and move these things. I feel like breaking them all. They mean nothing when I was the miserable loser. Such a facade. It could have been real, but he just couldn't give of himself to me. He just couldn't be real with me. It took some small effort that he just wouldn't give.

I just want to black out with more drugs again. I can't deal with this.

[Marylin]

Hold fast Tisha, you know what you have to do,cut him off,no contact,he is a narcissist,the verbal abuse as described in Patricia Evan's book,The Verbally Abusive Relationship,is designed to emotionally wound you and cause you psychological damage.While you continue to have him in your life you will continue to feel in chaos and distressed,End it quickly walk out don't go back,the man is a narcissist so the relationship is doomed he won't be happy until he has destroyed you,literally!
I was saved by that book my sister used the verbal abuse techniques in it on me for years,once I had her sussed her game was over!You don't need to suffer anymore,walk out!

[TishaBuv]

Now I'm reading "Dangerous Relationships" by Noelle Nelson, Ph.D.

I don't have and never had a physically abusive relationship, but this book is a great eye opener and touches on how abuse develops. Really worthy of reading!

[WrkNPrgress]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

A little "secret"--abusers NEED a constant supply of you (the abused) explaining yourself, ourselves, once you understand that you can stop. I finally got that clue and did just that. Knowing the difference between our stuff...and their stuff is important....responding to abuse validates their craziness.

This resonates with me so much.

Now that I'm out of that relationship for about 3 months — I can see how often I was put in the position of defending and explaining myself for the littlest of things and how often I felt like I needed to apologize for stuff. I was obsessed with what SHE was thinking or feeling.

This all stemmed from my own core issues, my own lack of self-worth and the default state of mind that I had that I had to 'fix' it whatever the problem was no matter whose issue it was. In almost any argument, I felt the need to take care of HER emotions first and often instead of my own. Thing is that doesn't work in any circumstance. It dawned on my one day, why doesn't she ever do this for me? Why am i always explaining and apologizing — especially when I did nothing wrong.

Thing is, we literally CAN'T act or feel FOR other people and we can't be responsible for THIER emotions or actions. We have to be responsible for our OWN.

Now that I'm away from this relationship I can finally start taking care of my OWN stuff and understand more about how and why I was drawn to this relationship.

That really is the first step, IMO. Taking care of yourself. Owning your own stuff, your own power, your own life.