[AVerySadThrow]

Hi! So I'll be honest and blunt. I've had to come to terms over the last six months, and overcome my doubts, about my parents. My parents were very emotionally abusive to me. I can go into detail if its wanted or needed, but I'm trying to keep this short. Regardless, I am no longer in contact with my entire family.

As a result of this, its come to my attention over time, and especially in the last week, that my emotional development was either significantly stunted, or just never happened at all, on a number of key emotions. It came to mind especially after someone highlighted how parents are supposed to be associated with feelings like "love, compassion, empathy, caring, connection, and safety".

I can say with absolute honesty that I received none of these from my parents. It was a relationship completely devoid of any feelings of affection or connection. Add to this emotional suppression and depression for nine years, which I still struggle with today alongside massive self-esteem and confidence issues, and it wasn't healthy for my emotional development.

But it goes beyond this, in that I honestly don't understand or even comprehend the emotions listed above that most people associate as the positives in life. I don't understand what its like to feel or receive love, or compassion, or how to receive empathy. Its like I don't have the receivers or emotional intelligence to recognize, or even feel, these emotions.

I guess, for a short end to this, how do I learn emotions I never was able to learn as a child?

[Frankbtl]

Hi AVerySadThrow

I'd say that you've already made a massive step towards learning some of those feelings by really acknowledging how wrong it was in the way you were treated
So kudos!!!
And I'd say that some of the learning will come together with working through what happened to you.
For example some of that learning will come with truly recognising that you did/do deserve more than to be treated and viewed the way your parents treated you, that you do really matter.
And of course that can sound "easy" to some people (or logical!!!) but as I'm sure you know that can be real hard to come to believe/feel deep, deep inside yourself after going through.........
But from there you can maybe come to trust in (some) people more and build more emotional connections with them, which is a better place to start letting yourself feel more of those emotions.

But however you feel, absolutely don't "beat yourself up" for not feeling those things, it is completely understandable how you're going to have difficulties with them after everything you've been through.........give yourself time and go at your own pace in coming to terms with what happened and in moving through and away from that.........it can be tough

There may even be things that come up in working through what happened which give you signposts to being able to experience the feelings you talked about more............e.g. it might be that feeling those things would give you a sense of vulnerability...........and you feel vulnerable enough without opening the doors to those feelings, meaning the barriers are automatically up...........but with work............., or it might be that you learned to numb some of those emotions as a means to "survival"...........but with work...............
Those may not be your reasons...........but their could be other signposts you find that could help you on your way forward.............

In learning........one step at a time.......maybe a good place to start would either be with someone closest to you or someone "a safe" distance away e.g. an acquittance or someone online. Some people find the first option the easiest, others the second.
And it can be about gradually building that connection.............some people find it easier with people who've been in similar situation, some with people who haven't............
But try not to see those feelings as the "end goal" so much..............maybe just start with trying to "let go" emotionally a little more with them over time.............

Just a few thoughts for now.................

But lastly, all of this might seem next to impossible right now with this feeling so "alien" to you, but remember it completely is possible given time.
Some people who have been through seriously abusive experiences can still emerge as the most amazingly caring, empathetic people. This is possible, just take it at your own pace, in your own time.



AlisonSave

[AVerySadThrow]

Hello Frankbtl, and sorry for taking so long to reply…its been an…interest…week.

The process hasn’t been easy. I only started to acknowledge it was abusive about 5 months ago, and even then despite having no reason behind it, and to a certain extent I still do, doubt really kept me from fully admitting it to myself. I’m trying to ensure that I do say it, but you know…not fully behind it yet. Kind of like my mind still doesn’t understand it yet.

I…I’m not saying that I don’t deserve more, but I have difficulty with that concept…I’ve never seen really a parent who wasn’t like my parents, so I don’t really have anything to compare that to. Overall, since I don’t really have a point of comparison, I don’t really feel like I can understand that there was a different way I could’ve been parented.

I’ve been beating myself up a lot, but not on my lack of progress. I’ve stopped communicating with my parents, and they’ve been writing about how worried they are about me, and I’ve been thinking about how upset they’ll be when they realize around Christmas that I’m not coming home, and I just feel like a terrible person for it, despite rationally knowing I shouldn’t. I just feel so guilty…and then I’m also terrified of them getting upset and tracking me down…I…just…I don’t want to talk about what I think will happen then…

I’m not sure I understand how to connect with people. I’ve always felt either unwanted, like I’m dragging someone with me or imposing on someone if I ask for anything or suggest anything, like I annoy people, and like people secretly dispise me or want me gone whenever I’m around. I’ve never felt like anyone actually enjoys my company. I’ve never felt…connected…to anyone, and I’m not sure how to “let go”…