[xRavenx]

Have you ever been manipulated by a narcissist where they all of the sudden act kind to you and make promises to you, but then all of the sudden, they are nowhere to be found, do not return your calls, and do not show up places where they say they will be? I got fooled twice in this way by a Narcissist. I had my hopes up, only to be left feeling humiliated, confused, hurt, and many other conflicting emotions.

How have you coped with this? I know that I should not given this person chances, but I feel that I've been brainwashed by some erratic behavior by this person. He was emotionally explosive at the end of our relationship, although he ended it by telling me he didn't "deserve me" and that he felt very depressed. I also wonder why someone would contact me weeks later and all of the sudden pay a lot of attention to me, take interest, apologize, say how much they want to see and be with me, beg to see me, then go "missing" as soon as we have a time planned out to meet. It's like he works to build my trust, just to shatter it.

What is their motive? I had not contacted this person for weeks, and then he goes and does this. He did this once before after I went No Contact the first time, but he made up some excuse a few weeks later. I was feeling good during No Contact, then he got my hopes up, and now I'm back to square one in the healing process after our break up. Any similar experiences, feedback, etc. is appreciated.

[MiddayNap]

I've a step-grandmother who does this very thing to my cousin (excluding the erratic emotional behavior, luckily). She used to get so excited to go places with her grandmother, but, after so many instances of being given the rabbit, she stopped expecting anything. I will give you the same advice I gave her. Show this person they have no control over you by showing you are not dependent upon them. You don't need this person to have a good time. You don't even need this person to have a ***** time. When and if they ask for your company again, politely refuse. A simple "No, thank you" will do. It feels a lot better when you are the one to cut the ties.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by MiddayNap

I've a step-grandmother who does this very thing to my cousin (excluding the erratic emotional behavior, luckily). She used to get so excited to go places with her grandmother, but, after so many instances of being given the rabbit, she stopped expecting anything. I will give you the same advice I gave her. Show this person they have no control over you by showing you are not dependent upon them. You don't need this person to have a good time. You don't even need this person to have a ***** time. When and if they ask for your company again, politely refuse. A simple "No, thank you" will do. It feels a lot better when you are the one to cut the ties.

THE RABBIT (Jack Rabbit) is what my mother even called him!

I had one of these. I could write a book about this! I think I will!

[Open Eyes]

I think that instead of just affixing a label of "narcissist" when an individual shows behaviors like you are describing is to recognize the individual is "self protecting" and often this is something they developed as a result of abuse or neglect or that something they experienced left them with low self esteem and the doubt is not so much about you but themselves. Often these individuals self protect by leaving, not showing up, disconneting "first" because it's something they feel is a way of "them" having the power "first".

If you think about how you need to "cut any ties", that is also how they feel too as often if the individual was neglected or abused they developed these "protective" behaviors unknowingly. Remember, every human being has to have "some" narcissism so it's like a spectrum and everyone can exhibit "some" symptoms that be on the list of what is considered NPD.

[TishaBuv]

They really like you to some degree, or they'd have chosen someone else. They may even believe what they say at the moment. Mine has drug addiction and used me for a 'booty call'. I was just too naive to know what that was at the time.

He was conflicted because he did care for me to some extent. This made him nervous and he got close then darted away.

You should also ask yourself why you partake in it.

On some level, I knew this was someone who wouldn't be real, so I was safe from it actually becoming real.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I think that instead of just affixing a label of "narcissist" when an individual shows behaviors like you are describing is to recognize the individual is "self protecting" and often this is something they developed as a result of abuse or neglect or that something they experienced left them with low self esteem and the doubt is not so much about you but themselves. Often these individuals self protect by leaving, not showing up, disconneting "first" because it's something they feel is a way of "them" having the power "first".

If you think about how you need to "cut any ties", that is also how they feel too as often if the individual was neglected or abused they developed these "protective" behaviors unknowingly. Remember, every human being has to have "some" narcissism so it's like a spectrum and everyone can exhibit "some" symptoms that be on the list of what is considered NPD.

I understand what you are saying regarding labels, and maybe I should not have used the label. Yes, I do recognize most can exhibit some traits on the NPD spectrum. I also try to remain empathetic to others who have some of these patterns, but these behaviors can be very hurtful if you are on the other end of it. I do understand and agree that this must be the person's way of protecting himself. It makes a lot of sense.

I admit it's hard for me to remain objective, probably because this person displayed a lot of other troubling and even abusive patterns too, so I guess I'm just trying to process it all. I wish him well and that he learns other ways to cope, and none of us are perfect. I still have a lot of healing to do though. I guess I need to just move forward and detach from the situation. I also need to come to terms and understand my role in why I stayed in this type of relationship. Luckily, I finally found a good therapist recently.

[eyesclosed]

Please detach from this person. I'm divorcing my wife because of this. These people have very angry emotions and were taught in early childhood not to express emotion the only way they feel better is by hurting usually one person the target and they are very innocent looking by others and are always the victim. U are probably a very kind unsuspecting person that's who they target. U will have a hard time getting him out of your life, run away as fast as u can.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by eyesclosed

Please detach from this person. I'm divorcing my wife because of this. These people have very angry emotions and were taught in early childhood not to express emotion the only way they feel better is by hurting usually one person the target and they are very innocent looking by others and are always the victim. U are probably a very kind unsuspecting person that's who they target. U will have a hard time getting him out of your life, run away as fast as u can.

Thank you. He did have very angry and explosive emotions. He can act very "nice", then over something as small as someone not getting his order right, he would blow up. He is on very poor terms with his ex-wife and extremely angry that she left him. They have gotten into physical altercations before, which he revealed much later in our relationship.

Of course, he was on his best behavior in the beginning, and everything seemed great for the first couple of months. Then, slowly, I started questioning things, but not confronting them. Yes, I think I probably was a target based on the fact that he knew I was getting over a very hard break up and the death of someone who was very close to me. I was very vulnerable at that time, plus I struggle with Bipolar Disorder and issues with anxiety.

My "people pleasing" traits did not help the situation. He started out very nice and nurturing in the beginning, but subtle red flags turned into serious ones. I wish I never trusted him, but I keep mourning how we were when things were good. That being said, I do not plan on contacting him. It's been almost 3 weeks no contact. I do have a strange feeling that in the next few weeks, he will try to contact me to repeat the cycle.

[eyesclosed]

x raven x hope u are well. Does he make feel guilty and confused like u have done something wrong, is he sympathetic. In the beginning he was now he knows how to hurt u and boy it will. After my cbt figured this out and I confronted her she left. Don't do that run away.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by eyesclosed

x raven x hope u are well. Does he make feel guilty and confused like u have done something wrong, is he sympathetic. In the beginning he was now he knows how to hurt u and boy it will. After my cbt figured this out and I confronted her she left. Don't do that run away.

At the end of our relationship, he had me walking on egg shells. He was using demeaning put-downs, then he would turn around and later say sorry, but his words would never match up with his actions. He was acting explosive towards his daughter too, who is seven and acted like everything she did was wrong. After our break up, I guess he felt surprised that I didn't beg him back, so he tried to get back into my life with apologies and would ask me out. He would blame his behavior on the hurt from his somewhat recent divorce. Then he would ghost. It did make me feel like: what went wrong? Is it me? Why does he bother to make apologies and lead me to believe these things just to do the opposite? Is he testing me?

Then he repeated the pattern with all the "I miss you...I'm so sorry" stuff. I thought, why not just go out and see how it goes?(stupidly), but then he'd disappear and not call with no explanation, acting as if we never had plans in the first place by no contact. The weird thing is, he initiates these plans....not me, and acts like he is so excited and genuine. It plays with my emotions that bit of hope that maybe he will come to his senses and change. I don't think it's normal for others to reel people in with promises and set a time up to meet with your ex, then just disappear...twice in a row. Why does he bother even making these plans and acting like he is so interested and sorry?

I fault myself for getting caught up, but I empathize with the challenges he's had in his life, which is why I find myself giving him excuses for unexcusable behaviors. Part of me wants closure and to contact him just to find out what's going on, but other days, I want to run far away. I'm trying to stay strong and fight those urges and stick to No Contact, trying to tell myself I'm worth better treatment, and maybe there's no closure. Today is a trigger since most the time we would be together on a Saturday. I'm starting to see someone new, but I have a hard time with trust and getting past the hurt.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like somewhere in his childhood he was abandoned and hurt and what his actions mean has nothing to do with you, but instead is his way of feeling "he" has the power by disconnecting first. He doesn't really care about getting back together with you, he cares that "he" is the one that has the power. Unfortunately, he has not realized "his" problem and prefers to lay that blame on others.

Any person that has been in this kind of relationship struggles, often needs some therapy and feel they did something wrong. The hurt individual tends to keep going back hoping to regain that initial "being the center of his world, when he was nice", but once that is over, it's over, even if there are promises, it's just over and all he/she wants is to feel "they" are the ones that have the power.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It sounds like somewhere in his childhood he was abandoned and hurt and what his actions mean has nothing to do with you, but instead is his way of feeling "he" has the power by disconnecting first. He doesn't really care about getting back together with you, he cares that "he" is the one that has the power. Unfortunately, he has not realized "his" problem and prefers to lay that blame on others.

Any person that has been in this kind of relationship struggles, often needs some therapy and feel they did something wrong. The hurt individual tends to keep going back hoping to regain that initial "being the center of his world, when he was nice", but once that is over, it's over, even if there are promises, it's just over and all he/she wants is to feel "they" are the ones that have the power.

I definitely see what you mean. I get a sense that as soon as he starts to see that I'm slipping away for good by not contacting him, he tries to gain control of the situation, even if it is through manipulation and flattery so that he can feel in control. I guess since I've been hurt in childhood and have been through trauma, and I never ever wanted to hurt others, it is still baffling to me that someone can be cold like that and have the whole "I'll hurt them before I get hurt" mentality.

I would just think that he would understand how it feels to be hurt and not want to treat others like that, but I see trauma affects everyone differently. Either way, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that these patterns in someone rarely change unless they recognize it and get help. I can't get caught up in his games anymore though.

[Open Eyes]

it is still baffling to me that someone can be cold like that and have the whole "I'll hurt them before I get hurt" mentality.

That is because it's about their need for "control". But also they did not have help when it came to them learning how to understand emotions, so they tend to get "angry" instead because emotions can make them feel too vulnerable.