[understandmoon]

Lately, I've been losing alot of motivation. Simple commands from my mother causes me to lose enegry. Here's a good amount of history between me and my mother. I love my mother and I can say that but it is a one sided love in honestly. At a young age my mother would yell at me for simple childhood wants. My parents got divorce (one heavily effected by her) and at 5 I told her I wanted my family back who got divorced when I was 4 and she screamed in my face on how I could be so selfish. When I talked about my dad she would say he would only do stuff only every blue moon. I heard the phrase in class and almost cried later in life but before that 6 yr old me almost commited suicide and I have no idea how 6 yr old me would grasp that concept. (This part is belief so you can skim) That night had a dream with a thunderous voice telling me to do good and from then on I wouldn't try suicide but I still wasn't a happy kid. My parents weren't around much and when I saw my mother rare times was she just happy. She told me my father's family disliked me and my dad was a mean guy. I would argue and be punished at young ages.
My dad was another story, he told by my mother that we likes her better,(we only felt more comfortable in the home but not with her) so he usually let us stay. My father seems to have good intentions but he was also a bully in ways. We would have fun playing with lightsaber or something but one mistake or saying anything he didn't like (telling him that I wanted to mail the president to make pokemon, I was young) would get me yelled at or punished. Things I didn't understand or I wasn't taught I would get blamed for. Even know it happens time to time. I benched two 80lb dumbbells but he says I can do the 100's, I get into a fight by being sucker punched and he says I could have handled him, and more. I often can't feel comfortable around him in a learning environment. It makes me almost cry everytime. He's harsh. He's forgetful, forgetting a birthday of mine instead to spend with my ex-step family. He's usually a great wise person to talk to but sometimes I just don't feel comfortable around him and it's weird because if I'm with him long enough I'm usually quite jolly and laughing.
My mother's claims aren't on these reasons though. She is narassistic, she would crush my dreams for her dream of a new home. Only saying she loved me when I did thinks for her like pour water in her cup while she sat and watched TV over and over. Yelling at me for being disrespectful( she once chewed me out in front of my little cousins 3-6 yrs old, over putting popcorn in the microwave for 2:20 minutes to 2:10 because I knew it would burn so I was like no). Shes bullied my brother, threatened to hot me with objects, one a laptop, and more. She kicked me out for standing up and blocking my brother from her threatening to fight him over science talk they were having. She lacks response when I cry, beg, plead or try to talk to her in a deep way. She claims God is on her side,though she's lacking in the biblical knoweldge and tries to use him as a scapegoat. She sometimes will just zone out when she knows she's wrong and stare somewhere for almost 10 mins with not a word. It's sad and disturbing. She'll even try to get us to be at each other just to avoid blame. She never apologizes really. 2 times.

Her family, my uncles had a abusive father who once pointed a gun at them and a mother who did much of nothing but yell at them. In result , her and my uncles all have weird traits ranging from perfects to lazy junker to conspiracy theorist. Only one of my uncles is a decent parent but he has the same defensive responses as my mother to situations.
I don't try this, I'm not a bad son but if I were to chew her out and scream and maybe break something, she would just act angry and then act normal. Now that I'm 18, she only tells me I'm lazy even though I turn her light off when she sleeps because she passes out. whatever her parents did was bad. I learned she asked for the divorce, signed the papers and has been feed me, my brother, and my dad lies but I still have issues with him just less.
My dad and I don't see eye to eye. He knew she was crazy yet did pretty much nothing to stop her. I've had to yell at him in heated arguements just to get him to really act or breakdown. We got into a arguement over a Facebook page he claimed wasn't pro black and evil but there was nothing on it and claimed my actions were stupid and ,knowing and him always saying she's crazy, that she might be right about me and thinking I'm some big adult now and something broke then. I later brought up crap and how he actually made me feel and how the argue was invalid and he then apologized but my trust for him is ehh now. I haven't even talked about the fact I have to watch over my brother as if I'm his dad and deal with his issues too. I have a gf now and she is the only thing that makes me feel better. I became a love doctor very young and have been helping people and even started a youtube channel and have help alot of people. Even with problems like rape, yet I can't seem to help myself. I can run for prom king and make everyone recognize me and move people and make friends all over yet. I'm always so tired. I just want to move away you know? Looking for jobs, but I've been losing enegry applying to so many. I can't drive till my mom teaches me and scolds me. nothings super fun. It's hard to edit youtube videos. I just wanna talk to my girlfriend and sleep. Anyone have anything that you could tell me? Maybe effects of this kind of parenting? It's not the worse, I'm lucky to be able to eat and sleep. I just can't help the lack of enegry I used to have. I've been kicked out 3 times over similar terms With my dad coming to sorta bat for me. My mom must have a mental issue from her parents and it makes me sad that I can't really get to know her. She's like a walking shell.

[Skeezyks]

Hello understandmoon: I'm sorry you are having to deal with these difficult relationships. I'm afraid I'm kind-of a fatalist when it comes to these sorts of things. My perspective is that your parents are who they are. You can't change them... too much water under the bridge, as the saying goes. Maybe a therapist could help you to learn more effective ways of handling your interactions with them. I don't know.

My thinking is that, now you're 18, the best thing you can do is to begin to work on getting out on your own. Continuing to live in the midst of this confusion is only going to wear you down even further than it already has, I fear. From what you wrote about losing energy, etc. it sounds as though you may already be struggling with some depression, which might be another good reason to see a therapist, if you have the means to do so.

I know you wrote you've been applying for jobs. But it sounds as though you may be having difficulty finding something. I would presume, at your age, you don't have a lot in the way of a work history, if any at all. Hopefully you're registered with your local state employment office. Of course, what would be great would be if you could go to school. I don't know if there is any possibility of that for you.

Anyway, these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I hope things begin looking up for you soon.

[understandmoon]

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it. I'm gonna keep in mind of what you said.