[Jojo101]

Hello I'm 24 years old a female from the United States. I've been with this man now my husband for almost 9 years and almost married two years. From the very beginning I've had issues of him putting his hands on me. He's my first love my first boyfriend and we were 16 when we met and he is a year older than I am. Whenever we argue get into a big fight or even sometimes a little fight and I just want to walk away and deal with things myself he cannot deal with that and he will block exits blocked my path of leaving and eventually pinned me to the floor and sit on top of me. I would be so fearful although he would never hit me physically I would scream and cry frantically begging him to get off of me while sometimes he would laugh and act like I was crazy for doing what I was doing . this has escalated drastically especially in the months before my wedding however in the last two years since I've been married he's only done this twice. I love this man and I told him if this ever happens again I am leaving. Since he is my husband and I want to start a family this February I got pregnant with my first child and I'm about to give birth in a few weeks and so far he has been very sweet and kind to me. I am very fearful that this behavior can return and I am looking for advice from any women that have suffered physical abuse from their significant other whether or not the Buse stopped completely during pregnancy and then returned afterwards . I have researched abuse but never sought counseling especially since his behavior has seem to have declined but from when I read it appears that there is a cyclical pattern of abuse of tension building then the abuse and then a period of no abuse. Aside from my fear calling out to all women that have experienced abuse should I be worried this abuse will return as I am more concerned as ever for my new poor child. I know old habits never die and he never seem to think this was abuse and therefore never wanted to get help for it and even myself at times debated whether or not I was making a big deal out of things and that perhaps it was my fault . The months leading up to my pregnancy I felt tension again but anymore when I know it's coming I change my behavior to be submissive to not trigger that behavior. Please any and all advice and please share any personal experiences related to pregnancy and abuse before during and after because everything I read abuse was supposed to get increase in frequency during pregnancy and that it's not been the case . Thank you

[Skeezyks]

Hello Jojo101: The Skeezyks cannot address your issues. However, I see this is your first post here on PC. So I thought I would simply say... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

[Writer82]

1. The way people treat you is never, ever your fault. It is theirs.
2. Consider the following: Would you want him to treat your child this way?
3. You may love him, but sometimes love and friendship means letting someone go that is not good for you, or your child.
4. One partner hitting the other is never okay.
5. You are NEVER obligated to satisfy his sexual needs. Sex is about two people coming together in the most intimate way.
6. Gas lighting is when someone makes you feel crazy for thinking or feeling a certain way. This is abuse.
7. Abuse does not always involve hands. It often involves words and the way they treat you as well.

Urge him to change, but do not count on it. This is about bringing your child into a healthy environment where it can grow and flourish. Being a parent is a privilege, not a right. Your child has a right to grow up around loving parents who will not mistreat them.

Also, congratulations!

[nicoleflynn]

I hope you will call the domestic violence hotline. Women are murdered every year by the abusers. The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Abusers rarely change, unless they think they have a problem and spend a long time in therapy. I lived with an abuser for 31 years. One thing you should know is that you do NOT trigger his behavior. He CHOOSES it. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his issues. Look up the "wheel of violence" I tried to copy and paste, but it didn;t work.

Yes, you should be concerned the violence will return; he is angry about his own issues and until those are resolved he will stay the same. Get into therapy with someone specifically trained in verbal/physical abuse and I hope you will read the book I mentioned. Quite often abusers are jealous of a new baby (the attention they are given), and will abuse you. You must get help to protect your child. Living with an abuser is like living in a landmine; you never know when they will explode. Do you have family/friends you can stay with?

[Open Eyes]

This is something your husband needs therapy for so he can get to the bottom of why he behaves this way.

[*freak*]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

This is something your husband needs therapy for so he can get to the bottom of why he behaves this way.

My mother would become submissive in order not to trigger my father's violent outbursts too when I was growing up and it affected me really badly. She seemed to think us kids wouldn't notice but even though we couldn't rationalize or verbalize it, we knew full well that something was very wrong. It not only impacted me negatively but over the years my mother kind of... "shrank", to the point where she's now just a shell of the vibrant, caring woman she used to be. Please seek help.