[Amethyst_Stargazer]

I've been abused in so many different ways and now I feel like I'm unable to trust anyone. I've also been raped by my abuser too and yet I still love him because I thought if I loved him enough he would "change". I even remembering telling my parents: "No he's not like that anymore. He's changed." I would complain what he did to me and then I would walk out the door and get into his car and my mother didn't understand this. There was a time I remember telling my mother, "Mom he's waiting! I have to go! I have to go now!" Because I knew if I took forever getting in his car.... he would yell at me. He'd just flip out and yell. Sometimes he would rant and rant forever and keep me in the car until he was done anytime he dropped me off. Once I got in I would pass out on the bed without changing and other times I would cry myself to sleep at night.

I cry a lot of the time and I'm always reminded of abuse and sometimes I get very paranoid. As of right now I'm dealing with a lot of low self esteem and I there's times where I actually don't even like myself. Than I'll have very good days and I'm able to cope with day to day activities. I'm prone to get angry sometimes and I hate this about myself. Than something will hit me and I'll just cry and cry, I hate whenever I cry because when I cry, I cry very hard. On top of it I have a learning disability and I believe this is why I'm an open target for getting abused by others. I was in an abusive relationship on and off for years and sometimes it was very hard for me to leave him because I loved him so much. Even when he was he cruel and abusive towards me, I loved him even more. Anytime he disappeared on me and came back to me I ended up going back to him because I missed him. I didn't understand why I would suddenly go back to a man who was so cruel and abusive towards me.

When I was younger I was sexually abused by my father and I witnessed my father hitting my mother. Now I'm starting to think I saw that I thought this was normal and I'm not used to being in a normal healthy relationship. I'd love to though and allow a man to love me the way I need to be treated. Right now though I must concentrate on my healing. As of right now I'm still struggling and sometimes it's hard. It's even hard for me to open talk to people and when I open myself up, I end up feeling guilty for becoming open about it because I fear what other people will think of me. If people are mean to me or act differently towards me, I blame myself. I blame myself for everything and I always think everything is my fault. It's like I'm my own worst enemy and I'm starting to realize it. I could never hate anyone, if anything I love everyone and I want everyone to be happy but I'm still suffering and I feel like I don't know how to be happy because I'm so used to getting abused and used by people. I'm not used to anything else. This deeply depresses me realizing this. For the first time I realized this last night and I cried a lot last night and was triggered because the hurricane is named after my abuser. Everytime "Hurricane Matthew" comes on the screen I can't even react or talk. All I do is think of everything he put me through. For the last time, he ended it with me again. He just disappeared and I think this is the last time I'll ever let him in again. I love him so much and I'm also angry at him for what he's done to me. I still remember when I first met him and he was my first love ever. It was so hard to let him go and now he's gone. Now I'm doing everything in my power not to go back to him. I'm so angry at myself for going back to him knowing he's an abusive person. So many people even ask me, "Why do you keep going back to him?!!" It honestly confuses myself to be honest. Now I'm just hoping that somebody out there understands and won't judge me or treat me harshly because I've been honestly punishing myself for weeks now. I'm tired of thinking everything is my fault and I hate keeping silent about this. Thanks for listening and I hope I didn't trigger anyone. There's so much more to the story but I think I'll stop here.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Amethyst_Stargazer: Hey... I hope you're safe from the hurricane! Thanks for sharing your story. I don't know a lot about abusive relationships. But I have the sense that what you have described is not at all unusual... sadly. I don't know if you see a therapist. If not, you might want to consider it. You have much to heal from. I send hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Amethyst, your post hit home. You deserve happiness, friend.

Finding the right therapist was the first step for me. It was like a boulder was lifted off my chest when somebody finally told me that the abuse wasn't right, wasn't normal, wasn't love,and wasn't deserved. All my life I had been told that it was.

Please check in often and/or PM me if ever need to vent.