For a while now, I've been feeling really sad but haven't dared to stop and examine it.. Now I feel I have to in order to move on..

For a long time, I've been grieving the fact that my dad didn't love me.. Now I feel there's something about this I need to make sense out of.

I don't think I've ever really accepted that he didn't love me.. I always knew he didn't, but thought this was a problem I could solve. That if I could just come up with the answer, I could 'change his mind'. But that's not how it goes.

What he feels and does is completely and utterly about him and up to him. He doesn't love me - that's his choice.

You might think I'd be devastated about not being able to do anything about this, but I actually feel relieved. There's nothing I could have done - there's nothing I could ever do. I don't have to go on thinking there was something wrong with me nor trying to change myself into the sort of person I think he'd like. I'm me - some people won't like me. He's one of them. Of course, it's sad, but I've already learned that that sadness won't kill me even though at times it can feel like it will.

I feel like I'm another step closer to my true self - the one with nothing wrong with her in the first place

[cluelessgal]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I had a horrible relationship with my dad too.

When your parents hurt you, there always a wound created that remains unresolved. I read about this somewhere and maybe you can try this -

Write about the incidents he hurt you or wasn't there for you...everything bad he did or said...and everything good he didn't say. Write about how you felt. Then re-write the scenario, this time imagining him as the ideal father, who apologized for the wrong he did, fulfilled you emotionally the way you wanted to, during that time.

This is not to improve your relation with your father, but to heal your emotional hurt...

Just a suggestion, I hope it helps you.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Thankyou for sharing this, notdeadyet. I recently began therapy for the first time, and the things you wrote are things I'm coming to grasp. I wish I had been in therapy 10 years ago.

I like what cluelessgal wrote. Writing is cathartic for me and that is a great suggestion.

[nicoleflynn]

Sometimes, family are not our blood relatives, but the people who love us. I didn't know my father and met him when I was 30.

[Klaraja]

I agree, family are people who are close to you and love you, blood dosent mean anything