Abused as a child and my mother abused her whole life.

I live my life constantly thinking about my mother. Constantly remembering everything that has happened to me as a child and knowing it will never change for my mom. I can't get this sick feeling out of my stomach. My father is a narcissistic man. He abused me and my three sisters when we were children. He abused us mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's effected my life in a lot of negative ways. But I at least I was able to leave. At least I'm away from him. My mother met him when she was 14. They got married when she was 18 while she was pregnant with my elder sister. Now almost 45, she has spent her whole life as a victim. She will never know real love...and as I write this, I know she is probably still being abused. I've moved to another country, I thought it would somehow help me but all its done is made me feel sick. I can't stop thinking about my beautiful mother. She used to be sweet and loving. Now she's a shell of herself. She is an alcoholic. I've heard her say " I hate my life." Some many times. She works and he doesn't. He calls her the worst names imaginable. He's physically abusive towards her, yet she still stays. He takes her money and screams at her when she doesn't want him too. When I tried to stick up for her in the past, I was verbally and physically abused. Eventually I stopped...I ran away. My mom's life was completely ruined because she met my dad. She won't leave him....
I can't sleep at night because I think about her. I think of her crying. I think about how her life was miserable. I think about my childhood and utterly terrible is was. I want my mom to know what it's like to live a happy life. I want my dad to just die. My older sister still loves him and makes accusses but I hate him. He abused my grandfather while he was a frail old man. It makes me sick thinking about the things he did to him when he could barely walk.
I am so consumed with these feelings that I don't know what to do. I feel overwhelmed. I've never seen a psychologist. I don't even know the mental disorders that I have.
I haven't told a lot of people about this but I feel like I need help. I can't hold this weight yet I refuse to let it go.

Its very sad for your mother, but she chooses to stay so you must let go of feeling responsible for your mother.
I assume your mother was loving toward you? If so do you really think she wants you to suffer?
She wants you to be free and happy, so let go of that pain.

Hello GemmaLucy: I'm sorry you and your mother have led such difficult lives. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support for you at least.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hi Gemma.

In spanish, there is a saying: "Yo tengo la verguenza de ajenos" That means, I have the shame of others. You cannot control others, Gemma, you can only control yourself. I would send you mother books/pamphlets detailing resources where she can get help. It sounds like alcohol and domestic violence resources could be useful. Send them to her, and then set yourself free.

Hi Gemma-Lucy
Your history is a sad and horrific one to read about. I understand how hard it must have been for you to share it, even in writing on here so for that well done. I feel s
You should try and see a doctor, not so much for a diagnosis but in order to get the help you need. There may be nothing you can do to help your mother, but you certainly cannot help her while you yourself are ill. Please get some help for yourself. Hugs, Hef

The only thing you can/could do is to give her information regarding the Domestic Violence hotline, shelters, and what abuse is and what it does. It is sad, I know....many women don't leave.The Verbally Abusive Relationship is the book which saved my life after 31 years of abuse. She might agree to read it; all you can do is give her the information.

You should know that abuse is literally brainwashing; it changes your perception of reality and is called "crazy-making" behavior.

Hi Gemma, welcome to PsychCentral.

I am sorry to read that you are grieving so much not only for yourself but for your mother. Unfortunately your mother was so young not only when she met your father and began having a relationship with him, but also she was very young when she married him as well. Your mother never had a chance to actually learn how to live on her own either which is one of the reasons she stayed in an abusive relationship. Also, unfortunately, we are what we know and your mother only knows how to live in and abusive relationship even though she is unhappy. Also there is a syndrome that women, even children can devlop where they give into and even protect their abusers called stockholmes syndrome.

It's good that you have gotten away from this environment, and even though your mother is still dealing with it, I am sure a big part of her is glad to see that you have found your way away from it where you now have a chance to learn how to live on your own and hopefully when you choose a partner you will make sure this partner is not abusive.

It would be very helpful to you if you found a support group or therapist that you could spend time with that can help you grieve and also heal from being exposed to such an unhappy environment growing up.