Need to get this off my chest. (Trigger warning: Sexual abuse)

Sorry if this is poorly written. I've held this in for far too long so I'm just going to be blunt and say it outright. My father molested me when I was 7 and sporadically as I got older. I never really thought of it let alone remembered it for most of my adolescence. But as years go by, repressed memories emerge. Many memories are unsettling to me and I refused to accept that my father would do such things. I just forgot so many nasty things that man did to me. I wanted to maintain the image of my good, caring father and sometimes still do but he ruined me. I don't know what I'm allowed to feel because I acted like nothing happened for 12 years. Sharing any of this with someone in my family or outside of the internet, is terrifying. I feel like they would think I;m making it up which I rationally know is ridiculous. Why would I ruin a "good" relationship with my father? It was only good on the surface. Don't even get me started on my father's relationships or lack thereof with my brothers. I used to defend the man which makes me feel sick. I'm scared to let myself feel and remember and accept.

Thanks for reading. I'm of course open to questions, input and help!
Riesa

Hunny, the most upfront input I can give you is this: get thyself to therapy.

When children are abused by a primary caregiver like a parent it often creates a split - or a dissociation in the conscious awareness of it - because the child doesn't have a way to reconcile the two realities (that is the parent as a 'normal parent' and the parent as an abuser). The child either becomes completely unaware of it or 'doesn't think about it' for years and years and years. Why? Because it is easier to repress those events than to be consciously aware of them and still face the person (and the rest of the family) in day to day activities. So you just 'get on with it'. (Life, that is.)

But

that stuff has still happened. It has still hurt / confused / terrified / traumatized and affected parts of you in a million different ways. It still matters. I wholly understand all those feelings you described, because I have them myself.

On both sides of the conflict. The ones about feeling sick about what has happened

and

the ones about not wanting to upset the 'status quo' in the family.

Personal growth and integrity can only happen when we find a way to bring those two sides of the internal conflict together. If we deny one side of our self we can never be whole - there will always be a part of self that is suppressed. We will always be living a lie.

This is my own dilemma, so forgive me for going on. I am telling myself as much as I am sharing my thoughts with you.

I am just letting that last bit sink in for me.... if a part of self is denied one will always be forced to live out a lie. There can be neither healing nor wholeness for the self if any part of the self is denied.

So get thee to a therapist, I say. It isn't easy work. It hurts. It changes things. It has ripple on effects that affect others. But it matters. You matter. The child in you matters. What happened matters.

I'm sorry for your experiences. I hope you can receive help from a therapist if you're not already. I'm finally going to be seeing a therapist myself about my own experiences after having put it off for so long. There are also support groups which can be greatly therapeutic as well. Just know that you're not "ruined". The things that happened to people like us are terrible, but we can still find hope for our future and healing for our spirits. Stay strong and know that there are many people here and other places that can empathize and lighten the burden.

You are my new hero

Can I use this sentence and a few other things you said? I feel like crying. Your post touched me.